The Middle Ages: It’s a tight race as readers decide whether I should ‘trash the ‘stache’

My mustache is the color now, as I turn 60, mostly associated with the outdoors. Like the mottled tail of an aging raccoon. Like a burger wrapper left too long on the side of the road.

So last week, I asked readers for input on whether the mustache should go. You thought I was serious, which I always am (I hate humorists who make jokes out of everything).

Hence, in the first pivotal election of the new year, the mustache was in a close race for its political life. Public sentiment seemed slightly in favor of keeping the “shaggy soup strainer,” or the “old cookie duster,” as some readers put it.

Some pundits pointed out that I could always grow it back, which seems a little too wise.

A common theme in the reader feedback was a fear that, after all these decades, the facial hair might be holding my face together, like some sort of exoskeleton. Or that, as with an old roof, we might find another mustache underneath.

In any case, thanks for the impressive turnout. Voting seemed to break down “along gender lines.” Men seemed inclined to want to keep it. Women mostly suggested that the ’stache go away. Red states liked it more than blue states.

One reader, evidently confusing me with sports columnist Bill Plaschke, noted that I am a “good-looking guy and the mustache adds a certain dignity.”

To that I say: “Thanks, Mom. Glad you’re getting the paper up there. In heaven, do they still throw it under the car?”

Your historical perspective is what I appreciated the most. Geppetto was a reference point, as were Clark Gable and Tom Selleck, who had the Monet of mustaches. Snidely Whiplash and Yosemite Sam, two of our greatest Americans, were also mentioned.

Also mentioned was the biblical Samson, who when he lost his hair, lost his fastball. “Wonder if you are no longer funny?” one reader asked.

Really? That’s never been my goal.

At best, I am only grindingly good looking – of Irish-pagan-Viking ancestry, with the pallor of a Valentine card. Meanwhile, my mustache grows whiter by the hour. To me, good mustaches have always seemed dark and saturated, though I always liked Teddy Roosevelt’s scruffy salt-and-pepper ’stache, as American as sagebrush.

Three voters suggested going to a goatee, and four others came out in favor of a full beard, with which I am pretty sure I would now resemble Santa Claus.

“Since [you wrote that] it is ‘whiter than a Mormon ski trip,’ I think you should remove it. You would look much younger and after 35 years it should go,” wrote Audrey Guidry.

Some votes were simple:

“Be bold. Lose it,” said one reader, which appealed to my sense of drama.

Similarly, Holly Hall said, “Be brave, do something that you haven’t done in 35 years!”

What, shower? Watch a CBS sitcom?

“No, no, no … never, never!” said Liz Richell. “You would be completely unrecognizable. Children would scream and hide; small dogs would yap and bite you in the ankle; big dogs would probably hide with the children.”

Honestly, most of that happens anyway.

“I grew a beard because I had no chin,” cautioned Terry Wimmer. “When I shaved it off years later... I had two.”

Like I said, Terry, nobody likes a wise guy.

“SHAVE IT!” shouted Maya Zigler, a psychologist. “Not because it’s in style/out of style/handsome/not handsome, but because I believe that despite our reluctance to change, it’s a great way to re-energize and move forward in life.”

Yewwwwww. Anything but that.

“Can you imagine Groucho without his?” Dennis Bain asked. “Salvador Dali? Hitler? Ohhh, sorry that’s a bad example, but, maybe if he had shaved it he would have just been a failed painter.”

“Just trim the left half,” wrote Peter Mehlman (speaking of wise guys).

One crank (must be a relative) suggested that no one really gives a hoot about my mustache. That couldn’t be more true.

Nonetheless, the “Trash the ’Stache?” campaign provided an interesting public discourse on the limits of love, aging, vanity, family, fashion, masculinity, personal hygiene, and the very limits of democracy itself.

“I’ve always appreciated the cowboy and most cowboys have ‘staches,” wrote Rich von Lossberg. “These are real men and you are a ‘real man.’

“Right, Chris?” he wrote.

Obviously.

By the way, Robert Redford used to sport a pretty decent ‘stache. But remind me: In any of his movies, did he ever get the girl?

The final tally? Well, there isn’t one yet. We’re still awaiting returns from Iowa, and there are some hanging chads in Chattanooga. As of press time, “Keep the ’Stache” was leading “Trash the ’Stache’” by a single vote.

As they say in Chicago, “Vote early and often.”

To vote, email the columnist at [email protected]

Twitter: @erskinetimes