Why was Paulina’s mother-in-law that way?

Follow 'Foretold' wherever you get your podcasts:

Episode 4: “The Train Station.” Now married, Paulina moves in with Bobby’s family in Orange County and is met with a host of expectations: cooking, cleaning, serving, working at the psychic shop and having children. This kind of family dynamic has helped keep the Romani culture alive across the centuries. But it still catches Paulina by surprise.

Read the episode transcript.
See all episodes and extras.

No one pictures their “happily ever after” by thinking of all the household chores they’re going to do. And yet, so much of married life is made up of just that: scheduling, paying bills, shopping, cooking, cleaning — the tasks and duties that make a household work. But who wants to fantasize about that?

Paulina Stevens was ushered into marriage at age 17 with several days’ worth of festivities, three showstopping dresses and an heirloom crown. But after she moved into her husband’s family’s home, reality hit her like a big splash of cold water.

If she’d only had to become a wife, that would have been one thing. But the biggest adjustment Paulina had to make was becoming a daughter-in-law. Suddenly the family friends she’d known all her life were the heads of her household. That distinction changed their entire dynamic.

Paulina thought she knew what would be expected of her.

But it wasn’t just a series of tasks. It was a whole mentality. Paulina describes having to adopt a mindset centered on pleasing the men — and, as she tells it, the person enforcing those expectations was her mother-in-law, Ruby.

At first glance, it could be easy to see Ruby as a villain. Paulina recalls being corrected and scolded over the simplest things, like which direction cups should face when put away in a cabinet. She recalls needing to dress well even while doing chores — exhaustedly scrubbing piles of dishes while wearing dresses and heels. Paulina recalls crying in the only place she could find privacy: the shower.

Why didn’t Ruby show compassion?

Well — maybe that was compassion.

There’s a lot we can’t know about Ruby because she wouldn’t speak with us, but by Paulina’s account, Ruby’s daily grind and, before that, her experiences as a daughter-in-law were very difficult. Ruby, too, must have gone through the culture shock of integrating into a new family and living up to their expectations. But she emerged triumphant, as her family’s matriarch.

Ruby figured out how to make the best of her time as a daughter-in-law. Maybe she was trying to show Paulina how to do the same.

It’s a very human response. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. Regardless of the psychology behind it, the pattern repeats itself. People who succeed within a system often reinforce the system rather than try to change it. It’s internalized. And eventually they become the system.

As square as that sounds, it’s surprisingly easy to do, especially for women who are conditioned to “go along” pretty much from birth. If you’ve ever noticed women congregating in the kitchen and cleaning up while men hang around somewhere else, especially during the holidays, you’ve seen this dynamic play out, too.

When a system is that deeply entrenched, it might feel like the best way to help younger women cope is to help them conform.

So Paulina went along. She tried to follow the path. But she couldn’t stick to it forever, and that positioned her and Ruby to clash.

— Jazmín Aguilera and Lauren Raab