Doctor finds the G spot -- in Poland

Did you hear that a doctor has found the G spot? Turns out it’s in Poland.

OK, wait, that’s not quite right: It’s the doctor who was in Poland. The G spot is where it’s always been -- meaning, somewhere men can’t find it.

(Honestly, this is why I don’t believe in intelligent design. Would any intelligent designer put something so important in such a hard-to-find location?)

Anyway, The Times’ Melissa Healy reported Wednesday on Dr. Adam Ostrzenski, a “semi-retired Florida doctor [who] conducted a postmortem examination of an 83-year-old woman in Warsaw Medical University’s Department of Forensic Medicine. Unlike the United States, which strictly regulates the research use of cadavers, Poland allows the dissection of human remains soon after death, when fine distinctions in tissue remain easy to see.

“Inspecting the six distinct layers of tissue that make up a woman’s vaginal wall, Ostrzenski said, he uncovered small, grape-like clusters of erectile tissue housed in a sac less than 1 centimeter across -- ‘a deep, deep structure’ nestled between the vaginal wall’s fifth layer, the endopelvic fascia, and its sixth, the dorsal perineal membrane.”

Aha! I’ve got it now: The G spot is between the “endopelvic fascia” and the “dorsal perineal membrane,” plus it’s 1 centimeter across. (Uh, and what’s that in inches again? Dang, why haven’t we changed to the metric system!)

Now, given that most men can’t find Disneyland without a GPS system -- and that’s doubly true if it’s dark -- I’m guessing this isn’t going to help a lot.

However, mostly I’m thankful that this discovery came after the passage of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act -- OK, “Obamacare.”

Had it happened two years ago, I’m sure someone in Congress would’ve wanted a provision to include color-coded maps to the G spot for all Americans. That would’ve prompted fierce fights: Roman Catholics objecting to the linking of sex and pleasure; feminists decrying the focus on the female orgasm; evangelicals demanding equal time for Scripture’s guide to the G spot; fiscal conservatives bemoaning the cost of the maps.

However, there’s probably a free-market solution, which should cheer Republicans. Surely someone is going to write a smartphone app with clear directions, now that we know where to look. Men can store it right next to their Viagra reminder app.

Personally, though, I’m with Dr. Irwin Goldstein, editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. As Healy wrote, “He’s not sure what the fuss is about. Despite its name, the G spot ‘certainly doesn’t have a flag on it, like X-marks-the-spot,’ he said.”

No kidding.

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