Is it ever OK to date your friend’s ex? What ‘Love Is Blind’ gets wrong
Throughout its five American seasons, Netflix’s “Love Is Blind” has been packed with dramatic moments — everything from a runaway bride, to one man chucking his fiancée’s engagement ring into a hotel pool, to a woman leaving her fiancé for another man on the show, and multiple folks second-guessing their engagements after seeing their pod crushes for the first time.
But none has been as shocking as the bombshell — and historic first for the reality dating series — revealed in its latest season: Two castmates, Uche Okoroha and Lydia Velez Gonzales, had dated in the real world and kept it a secret from his pod love interest, Aaliyah Cosby, for several days.
“This is f— up and I don’t like it,” Aaliyah told Uche shortly after having a cringey conversation with Lydia about the situation. “On the outside world, I would never date a friend’s ex. I would never befriend your ex.” The tearful confession proved to be too much for Aaliyah, who abruptly left the show just hours before Uche’s planned proposal.
I was proud of myself for getting to a place where I could love a man who could love me back. Nothing was perfect, but we were both growing. Then, she texted.
Since the episode premiered, devoted viewers have been flocking to Reddit forums, TikTok and YouTube recap videos to share their opinions on the circumstance — many have crucified Lydia for being a shady friend — and what they’d do if they were in these people’s shoes. But given that “Love Is Blind” creates its own world in order to perform a social experiment of having people date sight unseen, it begs the question as to whether this whole ordeal would have played out differently in the real world.
For some people, dating a pal’s former boo is an absolute no-no or a violation of an unspoken friendship code. But outside of the cozy pods, is there ever a scenario in which it’s OK to do this? We spoke to three relationship experts (and a TV and popular culture specialist) about the nuance of this age-old dating dilemma and how to respectfully broach the issue if you want to honor your friendship.
Is it OK to date your friend’s ex?
From “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” to “Mean Girls” to “Euphoria,” the trope of love triangles has been used for entertainment for centuries. Although it’s an engaging theme that writers keep coming back to because it creates conflict and drama — the perfect recipe for a reality show — dating your friend’s ex is still a touchy subject in society at large.
“If we ever thought, like from a personal standpoint, that maybe we could look beyond these unspoken rules, it just kind of shows on a broader scale that, no, we’re not ready to do that,” says Lauren Sowa, who lectures on the history of screen arts and public speaking at Pepperdine University. “We still have very strong feelings about what is done and not done. It’s not necessarily right or wrong, it’s more like what is acceptable and unacceptable in terms of behavior.”
Just as I was graduating from UCLA, my dad dropped a bombshell on me. He had been having a long-term affair with a woman and he insisted that I meet her.
While you can technically date your pal’s former partner, many relationship experts say it comes at a cost.
“I do believe that it is possible to date your friend’s ex,” says Aaron Martin, a queer licensed marriage and family therapist based in San Francisco. “At the same time, I think it adds this layer of complexity, especially around conflict because it’s no longer a duo. You’re essentially in a triad now … you’re in a triangle.
“The question also becomes, ‘Can I balance two new relationships?’ because you’re introducing a relationship with a friend’s ex, but then you’re also shifting the dynamic in a previous relationship with a friend, and you’re introducing new variables in that relationship.”
However, it’s less taboo for people within the queer community to do this, he adds. “I see a lot of queer men practice this in a way that is healthy and beneficial in their life.”
Denise Brady, a Long Beach-based marriage and family therapist, agrees that you can date a friend’s ex, but it depends on several factors.
“Is this an ex you dated when we were like 17 and now we’re 35?” says Brady, who posts recap videos about “Love Is Blind” on YouTube. “Was I really in love with this person, or is it just like ‘Yeah, we had two dates, I wasn’t feeling him, but he might be right for you.’”
She adds, “I think it depends on the context, the length of that ex and the type of relationship it was. Also, how secure are you in the person you are? How secure are you in your friendship? Or is it a complete no-go like, ‘No, you can’t ever date anyone I’ve ever talked to.’ It’s not black-and-white. I think it’s layered.”
In this recent example on “Love Is Blind,” Aaliyah considered trying to make it work with her friend’s ex because she was under the impression that it was a short-term relationship.
“With Uche, he had told me that they dated for three weeks in 2020 and that was it,” Aaliyah said during a recent interview on “Hanging With the Hamiltons,” a YouTube show hosted by the beloved Lauren and Cameron Hamilton from Season 1 of “Love Is Blind.” “So that’s why when I first talked to Uche, I’m like, ‘Oh yeah, you know, we can get past this. We can work through this.’” (Aaliyah later discovered that their “relationship” was much longer, according to Lydia.)
Is the reward worth the risk?
Though it’s a personal deal breaker for Fabiola Wong to date her friend’s former partners (and vice versa), she says that if one of her clients found themselves in this situation, she’d tell them that they “better be damn sure” about the person they are risking their friendship over.
“Because if not, you just put a friendship on the line for something that you didn’t think was going to be more valuable than the friendship,” says Wong, an L.A.-based relationship coach. “I feel like that’s when it feels disrespectful — when you’re willing to have a hookup or a fling with someone and put this long-term friendship on the line. It feels cheap. It feels disrespectful.”
She adds, “But if you and this person connected and you know it or you feel it, and you tell your friend, like, ‘This is it. I think this is the one. I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t think that,’ I think there’s a way to go about it, but it’s got to be worth it.”
At the ‘Dating Blind’ speed-dating experience in Los Angeles, there are only two rules: Blindfolds are required and you can’t ask your date about age or appearance.
When Uche first dropped the shocking news on Aaliyah, she seemed set on figuring out a way to maintain both her friendship with Lydia — whom she said she genuinely loved and could picture being an aunt to her children — and her romantic relationship with Uche. Outside of the pods, there are instances in which people can balance both relationships, but in the case of these three, it didn’t pan out that way.
“I don’t see a world where Lydia and Uche are going to be cool,” says Wong. “I feel like Aaliyah and Lydia’s relationship was built on a lie, intentionally or unintentionally. It’s not their fault because maybe in the real world, Lydia might have been completely honest with her.”
Brady says she doesn’t think Aaliyah and Lydia’s relationship would have lasted in the real world either.
“I think some people will always think, like, ‘What are your motives?’ ‘Are you really my friend?’ ‘Are you low-key trying it with my man?’” she says. “I don’t know. I’d always have this little side-eye.”
As for Aaliyah wanting to hold onto their friendship, Brady says she would have challenged her to consider these questions: “What are you getting out of this relationship?” “Is this the foundation of a friendship that you want, or is this more of a trauma bond?” and “What are you gaining from being in this type of dynamic in your life?”
Should you ask for permission?
If the Uche-Aaliyah-Lydia love triangle were to happen in real life, Martin says, he would have encouraged Lydia to be upfront sooner rather than later.
“It is going to be terrifying to reveal this. It’ll shift the dynamic in your relationship — all of that is real,” Martin says he would have told Lydia. “And relationships of any kind are hit by waves of conflict, and so how can you and Aaliyah ride out this wave of conflict with one another while knowing, like, ‘Damn we really love one another. We are friends, so we both want to make this work.’”
If you are weighing this dilemma in your own life, Wong says, you don’t necessarily need to ask your friend for permission, but you should have a conversation with them and acknowledge their feelings.
“You can say something like, ‘I can imagine that this might be upsetting for you or frustrating or maybe you feel like I’m betraying you,’” Wong says. “‘I want to know how you feel about it.’”
She adds that people should also share how they feel about the person they are interested in dating. For example, you can say, “I’m really excited about them and I really want to go out with them.”
“And if your friend is a real friend, then ideally they’re going to support you,” Wong says. “So I don’t think it’s a permission thing, I think it’s a willingness to address it and listen and be with the repercussions of that even if your friend is like, ‘You know what, f— you. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.’”
Even if that happens, Wong says it “is going to be far better for your own self-respect than doing it and them finding out — that’s the messy part. It’s not messy if you are open about it and you lean into it head on.”
An example of this conversation being handled with care is in the fourth season of the scripted Netflix series “Sex Education,” when one of the characters, Aimee, tells her best friend, Maeve, that she has feelings for her former boyfriend, Isaac. Maeve initially tells Aimee that she wasn’t comfortable with them dating, but she eventually gives them her blessing.
The Netflix series, which released its final season on Thursday, is celebrated for its diverse portrayal of teen intimacy, but it may be less relatable.
Martin says people should make sure to keep an open dialogue that feels “safe” with their friend in case their feelings change.
“I think about it as a two-way street of communication that me and my friend are constantly, in some ways, reassuring one another that like, ‘Yes, this is OK.’ Or if it’s not OK, if there’s that yellow light that’s flashing, what’s going on and how can we talk about it?”
Which dating rules apply where?
Although it’s unclear whether Uche and Lydia would have told Aaliyah the truth sooner — some fans have theorized that producers told them to save the information because it makes for great TV — one thing that is certain is that love triangles happen in and out of the pods.
“I think what we can all take away from this is when you avoid difficult conversations, s— blows up,” says Wong.
At the end of the day, “Love Is Blind” is a social experiment with its own set of made-up dating rules — getting engaged after 10 days would raise eyebrows in the real world — and unique constraints. On the show, everyone is dating everyone, so in some ways, they are technically dating each other’s exes. But while this is expected in the pods, it becomes an issue when it happens outside of them.
Given that this show creates its own universe, there’s only so much we can learn from this situation. So just because it didn’t work out between Uche and Aaliyah — it was later revealed that they tried to date after the experience — that doesn’t mean that dating a friend’s ex won’t work in your life.
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