The jokes, folks: Justin Bieber’s roasters get a walloping of their own

Comedy Central’s roast of Justin Bieber stuck with tradition, tearing down its embattled subject, to the delight of the audience. But some of the night’s funniest jokes weren’t about Bieber at all.

That’s the other great custom in these public displays of disaffection: the walloping the roasters themselves get from their comrades on the dais. Monday night’s two-hour roast, hosted by comedian Kevin Hart and taped earlier this month, spared few feelings and repeatedly went there. And there. And there.

Here, sorted by target, is a recap of those comic-to-comic quips -- at least the ones clean enough to be published by a family media outlet, and including a few that didn’t make it into the show’s final edit.

Actor-comedian Kevin Hart

“Kevin is hosting because he can’t say no to anything. Last week he hosted an ISIS beheading video on Reddit.” -- Chris D’Elia

“It’s an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s [genitalia] ... If you don’t know who Kevin Hart is, congrats on finishing college. Kevin’s next special is just him jiggling keys at you. Kevin, I loved you as black ‘Annie.’ Kevin is here because Katt Williams scares white people. Kevin Hart is literally the biggest comedian in the world... according to the Robin Williams suicide note. Sorry, that was for BuzzFeed.” -- Pete Davidson

“You hear a lot about Kevin Hart these days, especially when you’re talking to Kevin Hart.” -- Ludacris

“There is a lot of star power up here. These men combined have made millions in child-support payments. ... Kevin has a Napoleon complex. Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France. Ludacris, France is in Europe. Justin, Europe’s a continent. Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast.” -- Natasha Leggero

“Thank you, Kevin Hart. It’s great to be here. Sitting and listening to all your jokes for the past hour is the hardest time I’ve ever done.” -- Martha Stewart

“Kevin’s a big star now, but he doesn’t need private jets, because he likes to be shot out of a cannon.” -- Jeff Ross

“Now back to mini-me, and that’s Kevin. When it comes to your movie career you never say the N-word, and that’s ‘no.’” -- Snoop Dogg

“Kevin Hart can’t stay long. He has to be back on Shaq’s keychain before the clock strikes midnight. It’s amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here. Is this a roast or this Tyler Perry’s ‘Of Mice and Men’?” -- Hannibal Buress

“Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen. And for him, that’s an iPad mini. Kevin is so short he call Lil Wayne ‘Wayne.’ I love Kevin Hart’s career plan: Do everything Martin Lawrence did only [crappier]. “ -- Bieber

Comedian Pete Davidson of “Saturday Night Live”

“He’s the newest member of ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and the bad news is he won’t be there long enough to get addicted to drugs. This introduction is way longer than his Wikipedia page. Guy from New York, it’s Pete Davidson” -- Hart

“It’s good to see young comics getting a chance to show what they can do, you know, make a name for themselves. And you should because I have no idea who the ... y’all are.” -- Ludacris

“Pete, it’s really good to see you for the first time ever. ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ was based on your complexion.” -- Chris D’Elia

“You’re so talented. You’re going to be a big star, even though you’ve got a face only a mother could love, and even she’s like, ‘eh.’” -- Ross

“You look like Alf. You look like Alf’s light-skinned brother.” -- Snoop Dogg

“It’s good to see Comedy Central diversify its talent with whatever race Pete Davidson is. You’re just real vague, man. Weird vague face and I don’t like it. I don’t like your face at all. You seem like a nice person but when I talk to you I don’t have fun.” -- Buress

Rapper/actor Ludacris

“Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here. If I was 38, I’d be freaking out right now.” -- Davidson

“You might know Ludacris from your mom’s ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ CD.” -- Davidson

“Ludacris, not only is your music great but I love all your movie.” -- Leggero

“Ludacris has his own line of cognac, which is great to keep around the house if you have to poison a raccoon.” -- Stewart

“Martha Stewart went to prison for dumping worthless stock for idiot consumers to buy. Which reminds me, Ludacris’ new album drops tomorrow.” -- Ross

“I’m not proud to be here, man, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to keep the machine moving. You know it’s a [bad] dais when Ludacris is the best actor here. Ludacris’ last album was called ‘Battle of the Sexes,’ which is perfect because when it comes on, me and my girlfriend have to fight to see who could turn it off first.” -- Buress

“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life but that’s just because you look like the Mr. Potato Head I had when I was a kid. Luda and I had a lot of hours making ‘Baby’ together. In fact, he told me it was the only baby he ever made on purpose.” -- Bieber

Comedian and regular roaster Jeff Ross

“I’ve been watching these roasts since I was 9, and what’s happening to you, Jeff? You look like someone put Seth Rogen in the microwave.” -- Davidson

“It’s great to see you here once a year at these roasts. How’s the Uber driving going?” -- Leggero

“Jeff’s got a body like a cafeteria lady.” -- O’Neal

“How about the fact that if there weren’t roasts, Jeff Ross would be working at IKEA.” -- D’Elia

“Justin, you made a song called ‘Baby’ when you were a baby. That’d be like if Jeff Ross made an album now called ‘Fat and Gross.’” -- D’Elia

“Jeff once asked me if I had any beauty tips for him, so I sent him a complimentary Martha Stewart cosmetics gift bag and advised him to put it over his head.” -- Stewart

“I love the roasts, because that’s the one time in the year you get new jokes from Jeff Ross.” -- Buress

“You look horrible. Jeff is like a combination of every ‘Before’ picture ever.” -- Buress

“I’ve been driving recklessly, getting arrested, smoking weed, abandoning monkeys and urinating publicly. But my biggest regret is plowing my Maserati into Jeff Ross’ Saturn in the parking lot. And, Jeff, I feel really bad because I don’t know where you’re going to sleep tonight, man.” -- Bieber

“Jeff, you look like the emoji you send when you want to tell somebody you have food poisoning.” -- Bieber

Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart

“Martha, it’s nice seeing you interacting with black people for the first time since prison. No seriously, congratulations on your new job as house mother at the University of Oklahoma. Martha is so old her first period was the Renaissance.” -- Davidson

“She’s so old, if you look at the $100 bill you could see Martha photobombing Benjamin Franklin in the background. You know, you’re shady too: Your first sweatshop was shut down by the Emancipation Proclamation.” -- Ludacris

“All these rappers onstage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time. The most inhumane thing about the Cosby rapes is that a lot of them occurred on your linens. I’m not saying Martha’s old, but Martha needs a new Walker more than the ‘Fast & Furious’ franchise.” -- Leggero

“I’m not saying Martha is too old or too white, but before the show backstage, she asked me if she could buy Shaq. I had to tell her, ‘Martha, black people have been free for a long time now.’ She said: ‘Free? I was thinking I could get Kevin for half.’” -- D’Elia

“Martha Stewart is here because Paula Deen refused to sit with this many black folk. I guess somebody had to make the cornbread, right guys? I hope there’s enough sizzurp to go around. What is this, the Comedy Central March on Ferguson? Martha Stewart is the biggest thug up in here.” -- Ross

Rapper Snoop Dogg

“Snoop’s son just got accepted to play Division I college football. So Snoop found out that he had a son.” -- Davidson

“There’s not a lot of billionaires out there. There’s Dr. Dre and the guy that sells you weed.” -- Ludacris

“Snoop’s here. That means Justin Bieber might get shot. Snoop, you look like Shaq’s skeleton.” -- Leggero

“Snoop is now coaching kids’ football. He’s the only coach that makes a quarterback take two puffs before he passes.” -- O’Neal

“You look like dead Splinter from ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.’ You do not age well at all. You look so horrible, are we sure that Snoop wasn’t the one that Suge Knight ran over?” -- D’Elia

“One of the highest-rated episodes of my show ‘Martha Stewart Living’ was when Snoop and I made brownies together. I’ve used his recipe ever since. As a matter of fact, I baked three of them right before they called and asked me to do this roast.” -- Stewart

“Snoop, I see that you’ve been following my beauty regimen. You’d never know that Snoop is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.” -- Stewart

“You look great, Snoop. You look like a retired WNBA player. Seriously Snoop, are you aging in doggy years?” -- Ross

“Snoop looks like a cool-ass salamander. Or like a rejected Mortal Kombat boss. Now you have to fight Fake Crip.” -- Buress

“He’s way too shy to admit this but he’s actually Billboard’s top male artist the year I was born. And look at you now, Snoop! You’re one of the 10 dudes at my roast sitting right next to Martha Stewart and that Hannibal guy. How cool is this?! You made it!” -- Bieber

Former NBA star Shaquille O’Neal

“He had a 19-year career in the NBA and a one-weekend career in the movies. I’m talking about ‘Kazaam.’ Everybody, let’s get ready to mumble!” -- Hart

“Shaq, thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario. One of Shaq’s nicknames is Superman. And much like Superman, he pretends to be a reporter and hasn’t met his real father.” --Davidson

“I was so sad when you retired from basketball, but so happy when you retired from making music. You were truly one of the most original rappers, and by that I mean, most of your CDs are still covered in their original wrappers.” -- Ludacris

“Shaquille is an Arabic name for ‘handsome,’ and O’Neal is the Irish word for ‘just kidding.’” -- Leggero

“What is the dais, by the way? You got Shaq, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, Kevin. I will give anyone on this dais $100 if you could properly pronounce earth or birthday.” -- D’Elia

“People don’t realize this, but Shaq, those I Can’t Breathe T-shirts, they were about Shaq’s last season with the Celtics. ... I really like Shaq’s IcyHot commercial. I can’t wait till Kobe does it better.” -- D’Elia

“Shaq, I have every one of your CDs, because I love making crafts out of things that most people throw in the trash.” -- Stewart

“Shaq doesn’t shop at the Big and Tall, he shops at Barnum & Bailey.” -- Snoop Dogg

“Shaq’s a very unique player in NBA history. He’s the first player in history to have his shoe size, IQ and jersey all be the same number.” -- Buress

“How in 19 season have you only made one 3-pointer? I’ve hit more pedestrians with my car.” -- Bieber

Comedian Chris D’Elia

“He’s the star of the NBC show ‘Undateable’ and Chris’ stand-up is actually unwatchable. I’ve seen it. It hurts.” -- Hart

“The best part of ‘Whitney’ is here. Chis, you’re like the Hitler of comedy except Hitler could keep a crowd’s attention. I would write more D’Elia jokes but that would involve me remembering you the second you get offstage.” -- Davidson

“Chris D’Elia finally answers the question: What if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?” -- Leggero

“Chris is here because he’s Justin Bieber’s favorite comedian. Wow! What an endorsement. That’s like being Shaq’s favorite poet.” -- Ross

“Chris doesn’t smoke weed, he doesn’t drink, he’s never done any drugs. His only vice is performing horrible stand-up comedy.” -- Buress

“I’m a huge fan of Chris D’Elia. Chris gets a ton of girls. Wanna know why? ‘Cause I’m a huge fan of Chris D’Elia.” -- Bieber

Comedian Natasha Leggero

“Can we just address that this dais is just a bunch of old creepy guys, an old lady who’s never done comedy, and Martha Stewart. ... A lot of people say that women aren’t funny -- right after seeing Natasha Leggero.” -- Davidson

“Look at all these scrubs onstage. Chris D’Elia, Hannibal, Natasha, Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross. I haven’t seen a more disappointing line-up since the ... last Lakers game.” -- O’Neal

“Natasha Leggero is here right now, which means right now there’s a bachelor party discovering that their cake is empty.” -- Buress

“This is my first time seeing you peform. It was really great even though you didn’t shoot out a single ping-pong ball like Snoop promised.” -- Bieber

Comedian Hannibal Buress

“Hannibal, of course, is famous for exposing Bill Cosby, and only for exposing Bill Cosby. But he deserves it though. Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences: that Hannibal Buress would become famous.” -- Davidson

“I hate to tell you, but your career is like my free throws: You ain’t ever gonna make it.” -- O’Neal

“Bill Cosby wanted to be here tonight, but he couldn’t because you ruined his life.” -- Ross

“Hannibal, your act is putting more people to sleep than roofies. Your next special should be called ‘Hannibal Lectures: Silence of the Fans.’ Love you, Hanni, even though you look like Kevin Hart belly-up in a river.” -- Ross

“Hannibal Buress? Wait a minute, hold up, that’s the ugly guy over there looking like Isaac Hayes and Wesley Snipes?” -- Snoop Dogg

“Congratulations, you’re the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off of it.” -- Snoop Dogg

“He’s not just here to destroy my childhood hero. No that didn’t make him feel good enough. He’s here to destroy my daughter’s childhood hero as well.” -- Hart

“Look, I’m new to comedy but here’s a joke. What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens who call you a lesbian for two hours.” -- Bieber

Follow me on Twitter @NardineSaad.

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