‘Dancing With the Stars’ recap: Meet the season 22 contestants

Welcome to the season 22 premiere of the long-in-the-tooth yet somehow indefatigable ABC reality contest “Dancing With the Stars,” where you, as fans, can completely be forgiven if you repeatedly said, “Who’s that?” as the celebrity-pro pairs hit the floor Monday night.

Indeed, who are these folks? And where, oh where is little Robert Irwin?

Bear with me for a second. There was a time, briefly last year, that the sweet-faced 11-year-old emerged as a potential cast member. That was shortly after his big sister, the perpetually chipper and ultimately soulful Aussie conservationist Bindi Irwin, won the coveted Mirrorball.

A preteen preservationist as the youngest, possibly-most-earnest-ever “DWTS” contestant? How awesome would that have been? A cha-cha-ing child in a blaze of bedazzled getups?

But alas, we have no telegenic critter-wrangling kid in the scrum. Try not to be too disappointed. Instead, it’s three – count ’em, three! – NFL standouts, a Trump ex-wife, a network meteorologist, a Fox News correspondent, and a smattering of lovely/troubled/outspoken actresses and reality stars.

And since competitions bring out our betting, not necessarily better, nature, the odds-on favorite before anyone performed for the cameras was reportedly Ultimate Fighting Championship’s Paige VanZant. Vegas hasn’t weighed in yet, but the predictions came from longtime armchair handicappers, so you know they must be spot-on. (She may battle it out with the agile Von Miller, Super Bowl MVP, who came out on top of a number of preseason polls.)

But let’s give VanZant her props right up front. The lithe blonde mixed-martial-arts pro has a deep dance background – ballet, jazz and hip-hop – and obviously understands movement. She also knows how to throw a punch, which may not come in quite as handy, unless somebody talks trash to her. Hey, you never know.

That would spice up this long-running show, which executive producer Rob Wade recently told TV Guide would remain largely unchanged this season. That means familiar themes like Disney, switch-up, judge’s choice and Latin nights because they’re comfortable and audiences, at this point, expect them.

No one ever accused “Dancing With the Stars” of being challenging, after all. It’s chicken soup TV, with bare chests and skimpy outfits. It is admittedly and unabashedly what it is, which works (the show got an early pick-up from the network for season 23).

Wade did tell TV Guide that the current season will feature additional behind-the-scenes bits, skits and “editorial pieces,” which would make it more like a variety program. Again, no one ever accused “DWTS” of being a pure dance show. And more screen time with the celebs? It’s a popularity contest anyway.

But speaking of purists, Len Goodman is back, which is good news for all the technique sticklers out there. Goodman anchors the judge’s desk with the ever-effusive Bruno Tonioli and the often-articulate Carrie Ann Inaba. But Julianne Hough won’t be back. In fact, the entire series is Hough-less. No Derek, either. No Derek!

Also absent? A villain, which has become a well-worn reality-show trope that “DWTS” has been able to largely sidestep. The venerable series does usually cast for controversy and heavy baggage, and maybe sees Mischa Barton or Marla Maples filling that role. That’s a stretch, and I can’t imagine anyone hate-watching for either minor celebrity. But it’s too soon to tell.

Not too early to know: Doug Flutie, though he’s a Heisman Trophy winner, cannot dance.

Here’s what happened in Monday’s kickoff, during which no one went home, VanZant wore sparkly boxing gloves, Jodie Sweetin wore a onesie, Nyle DiMarco exposed his eight pack and Marla Maples drank Champagne, and that was just in the opening number.

Kim Fields and Sasha Farber

Cha Cha to “Sax” by Fleur East

Kim, a vet of “Facts of Life,” “Living Single” and “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” said in the pretaped segment that she wanted to make it through her inaugural dance without injuring herself. It’s good to have goals. But for someone who said she only knew the wedding reception version of partner dances, Fields did pretty well, despite being a little stiff and off the beat. Len wanted her to work her hips and get down in her feet more. Bruno loved the way she let her hair down, but also mentioned her foot placement and hip swivel (or lack thereof). Carrie Anne saw “a whole lot of fierceness in a tiny little package.”

Score: 20 out of 30 for a totally respectable start

Paige VanZant and Mark Ballas

Foxtrot to “Ain’t Got Far to Go” by Jess Glynne

VanZant knows about beast mode, and that may not work so well for the foxtrot, where she needs to soften up a bit, her partner said during the video package. Mark, who’s shed his man-bun at least temporarily, wanted to bring out the girly side of Paige. Mission accomplished. The fight gal couldn’t have looked more gorgeous in that diaphanous orange outfit, with Bruno saying she looked “like a kite on a headwind.” She lacked control, he said, but Carrie Ann wanted her to let go even more. Len liked her musicality and didn’t come down too harshly on her posture. (Is he softening with age, like a ripe cheese?)

Score: 21

Doug Flutie and Karina Smirnoff

Foxtrot to “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond

The former NFL quarterback for the New England Patriots wants to try new things in his life, like surfing, but he’s never hoofed it before. Obviously. He tried, though, and Karina encouraged him through a performance that made the house crowd roar. Carrie Ann noticed his stumbles but loved his commitment, saying that people root for an underdog. Bruno mentioned the choppy waters and said, basically, there’s nowhere to go but up.

Score: 15

Jodie Sweetin and Keo Motsepe

Tango to “Confident” by Demi Lovato

The actress stars in “Fuller House” and, before that, she originated the role of Stephanie Tanner on the ’90s staple, “Full House.” She’s tough on herself, she said during the preshow interview. Keo told her to not to fret. He must know that she has some dance experience, which was evidence from that tango, even if it seemed like she was gritting her teeth during some of it. Len thought it had attitude, but critiqued her head position. Bruno said it was strong, and Carrie Anne found it “impressive.” She noted “the snarl,” which took away from “the exquisite lines.”

Score: 20

Geraldo Rivera and Edyta Sliwinska

Cha Cha to “Treasure” by Bruno Mars

There were a few reasons the Fox News correspondent decided to do “DWTS,” he said during the interview video: 70 is the new 50 – he’s currently 72 -- and he’s the only Puerto Rican in the country who can’t dance. And he still can’t, according to Bruno, who went on a withering riff about how Geraldo didn’t give away much because he didn’t actually do any choreography. Mysterious! Len called it “a work in progress,” which was very kind of him, and said it was “good fun,” probably because it opened with a self-deprecating reference to the ill-fated opening of Al Capone’s vault. (It wasn’t empty this time!)

Score: 13, meaning that unless he has a ton of fans out there willing to vote for him, he could be the first to go

Marla Maples and Tony Dovolani

Quickstep to “Sparkling Diamonds” from Moulin Rouge

She’s a singer and stage actress with more than a smidgen of dance in her background, though viewers might best know her as the ’90s wife of Donald Trump. At 52, she’s pursuing a comeback in her career, so the timing must’ve been right for her to agree to be on the series. (“DWTS” producers approached her repeatedly in previous years, but likely had a renewed vigor this time given Trump’s front-runner status in the Republican race). She’s an elegant presence, Carrie Ann said, and Len thought it was “terrific.” Bruno called her an “uptown bombshell,” well suited to the ballroom.

Score: 21

Wayna Morris and Lindsay Arnold

Cha Cha to “Motownphilly” by Boyz II Men

Wayna has wanted to be on “DWTS” ever since that “fat white boy” Joey Fatone performed there, he said during his video segment. Was he joking? Sure. Or not. Boy band members are competitive, y’all. One thing was clear from that number – Wayna can really move, and Lindsay knows how to take full advantage of his range. Len, who picked on the departures from a traditional cha cha, said Wayna could be a long-term contender. Carrie Ann, between incoherent sentence fragments and pantomime of the splits, talked Fly Girls and musicality. She loved it, in short.

Score: 23, highest of the night so far

Ginger Zee and Val Chmerkovskiy

Jive to “Move” from “Dreamgirls”

The straight-talking meteorologist on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and new mom to a 3-month-old son intends to school Val about infants, and that will include “leaking milk all over” because she’s breast feeding. He seemed kind of freaked out by that revelation, made during rehearsal and caught on their video package. Cue Val’s anxious face at the sight of her crying baby. Oh well, he’ll adapt. Bruno said she kept it “sharp and precise” during the difficult dance, and Carrie Ann brought up Bindi Irwin. “You lit up the joint,” with “pure joy,” and Len thought it was “frisky, risky, fast and furious.” Host Tom Bergeron said, in a way that only the dry-witted Bergeron can, “Let’s see Al Roker do that!”

Score: 23, tied for Wanya and Lindsay

Mischa Barton and Artem Chigvintsev

Tango to “Into the Night” by The Weeknd

The former child star and alum of “The O.C.” -- she’s now 30 – didn’t want to add “failed dancer” to her CV, so she buckled down with Artem after seeing some of her fellow contestants smoothly tackling their routines in rehearsals. The result? Somewhat better than her early attempts would’ve indicated, but still painfully mechanical and joyless. Carrie Ann said there’s something inside her dying to come out in dance, though Len said the performance was just walking and “not enough tango, flair or fire.” Bruno said it needed more spark, and that dance can’t be played for the close up. It has to reach to the gallery.

Score: 16, probably higher than they deserved

Nyle DiMarco and Peta Murgatroyd

Cha Cha to “Cake by the Ocean” from DNCE

Nyle was the first deaf winner on “America’s Next Top Model,” perhaps best known for his ripped physique and beautiful face. Now he will also be known for murdering that cha cha on his first night of competition on “DWTS.” Peta’s learning some American Sign Language to better communicate with him, but quite palpably they understand each other perfectly on the dance floor, even though he can’t hear the music. Len loved it, and Bruno said, “Are you for real?” Carrie Ann said he didn’t just have great rhythm but he was “in the pocket” and that he and Peta are “a beautiful team to watch.” Prediction: fan fave and finalist.

Score: 23

Antonio Brown and Sharna Burgess

Quickstep to “Bad Man” by Pitbull

Football fans already know that this Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver can dance, per his hip swiveling hip-hop-meets-ballet celebrations in various end zones, but can he take orders from the sassy Aussie to make sure that “business is booming,” to borrow one of his catch phrases? All signs point to yes. Brown got tested straight out of the gate with a quickstep, one of the more challenging ballroom dances, especially for a newbie. Bruno said he has to channel his considerable talent, working to refine his steps and precision. Carrie Ann started prattling and rambling, meaning she really dug it, and then she sort of hit on him. For a dance that’s so difficult, Len found it solid and fun.

Score: 21 (Len gave them a 6 and everybody booed)

Von Miller and Witney Carson

Foxtrot to “My House” by Flo Rida

Miller, the Super Bowl 50 MVP, has been fined tens of thousands of dollars for dancing on the football field, which qualified as “unsportsmanlike conduct.” He should be right at home on “DWTS,” where teeny Witney has whipped him into ballroom shape but hasn’t quashed his spirit. That dance might not’ve been anywhere near perfect, but it was so darn entertaining. On the affable scale, this Denver Bronco star is at the top. Carrie Ann thought he was “silky,” and Len said he didn’t do “all that funky stuff” but kept in proper hold. Bruno said he has “bucket loads of charisma” but needs to watch his form.

Score: 21