Commentary: Post Malone continues to cheat death in his own private ‘Final Destination’

All things considered, the movie “Final Destination” had a pretty novel premise. A bunch of kids cheat death by opting out of a flight that’s doomed to crash, and the universe goes out of its way to try and even the score.

It’s not every week, month or, heck, lifetime that a person narrowly avoids death and destruction via plane, automobile and armed robbers.

What I’m saying is, what flight did rapper Post Malone skip, and what will it take to end his ridiculous strain of bad — or depending on how you look at it, good — luck?

Technically, viewing the drama haunting Malone at every turn as good luck makes the most sense. After all, the hip-hop artist has had a banner year, boasting both a No. 1 song (“Psycho”) and a No. 1 album (“Beerbongs & Bentleys”), so it wouldn’t be a huge surprise to find out that he is also invincible.

The drama began in earnest last month when a Gulfstream IV jet Malone was aboard blew two tires on takeoff. After hours spent circling in an attempt to burn off fuel and as fans frantically followed the plane’s every move online via flight tracker, the London-bound flight successfully made a hobbled emergency landing in New Windsor, N.Y., to the relief of most.

(After landing, Malone said profanely but politely on Twitter that he couldn’t “believe how many people wished death on me on this website.” He also thanked his non-haters for their prayers.)

Then last Friday, two weeks after that harrowing journey, he was the passenger in an early morning car crash that severely damaged his Rolls Royce.

At this point, the rapper was hip to the game, tweeting, “god must hate me lol.”

Now, the Almighty apparently didn’t hold a grudge against Malone for long, given the bigger, better Rolls Royce that the rapper debuted yesterday. Though once your vehicle has been leveled by a Kia, it makes sense that you’d opt for something that vaguely resembles an armored car.

And yet, that’s still not where this twisted tale ends.

On Monday, TMZ reported that three armed men allegedly broke into Malone’s former San Fernando Valley home a little over a week ago, unaware that the rapper had moved. The suspects stole $20,000 in valuables and injured the current, completely unrelated resident.

So — that incident took place Sept. 1. Roughly halfway between Malone’s plane drama and car accident.

It’s impossible to say if the “Rockstar” rapper has actually gotten into some metaphysical grudge match with the universe. It’s even harder to tell if Malone is winning or losing in his potential stand-off with the supernatural forces that dictate all of space and time.

What is clear is that Malone should probably try to get right with the world soon.

Buy some crystals. Balance that karma. Do some soul-searching. Maybe practice some feng shui at the new place.

And make sure to smudge the heck out of that new Rolls, if he doesn’t want to see his final destination any time soon.

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@midwestspitfire