College coaches receive good dough for walking

You want to know how financially insane big-time college sports has become? Chew on this number: 910,470.

Based on the buyout he just got, that’s how many dozen glazed doughnuts Phil Fulmer could buy if he pulled into his local Krispy Kreme.

And he’d still have some change coming after he gave the cashier $6 million.

Even Fulmer can’t eat 10,925,640 doughnuts, at least not in one sitting.

But the laws of digestion and common sense don’t apply here.

Tennessee is going to pay Fulmer $6 million for failing at his job. To paraphrase Waylon and Willie’s old song, Mamas let your babies grow up to be coaches.

You get fired and instead of being given 15 minutes to clean out your desk they give you millions of dollars. We should all be so incompetent.

I shouldn’t pick on Fulmer and Tennessee because they are hardly alone in this lunacy.

I also shouldn’t pick on them because somebody else has always done it so much better.

“I’d like to congratulate him on hitting that lottery ticket.” That, of course, was Steve Spurrier.

Though Spurdog has benefited royally from the football marketplace, he’s speaking for Joe Fan here.

Why is failure being so richly rewarded?

Universities say it’s just the cost of doing business. In order to keep a prized coach they give him a buyout clause.

If he leaves before his contract is up, he must pay the university X amount. If the school wants him to leave before his contract is up, it pays him X amount.

In Tommy Bowden’s case, X is $3.5 million from Clemson. Mike Shula is still getting $4 million from Alabama (minus his current NFL assistant’s salary). Next up is probably Tommy Tuberville, who’ll get $6 million to not coach Auburn any more.

All of which is X-tremely stupid. But then, most of us live in the real world.

I understand why a coach like Nick Saban gets $4 million a year. He’s worth it. But if a coach wants to leave, a buyout isn’t going to stop him.

He’ll be making a lot more money at his next stop, and his new employer will likely pick up the buyout tab. Rich Rodriguez had a $4 million buyout at West Virginia. After a lot of nastiness, he and Michigan paid up.

The main thing buyouts do is limit a school’s options (see: O’Leary, George, and his preposterous $5 million UCF buyout), or give an employee money he hasn’t earned.

A lot of money.

“I don’t know whether to feel sorry for coach or congratulate him,” Spurrier said.

He also once said you can’t spell Stupid without UT, or something like that. Athletic Director Mike Hamilton gave Fulmer a raise to $2.4 million and a contract extension last year. Fulmer wasn’t on any other school’s wish list, but he had the standard buyout clauses.

Coaches fired without “just cause” must be compensated. “Just cause” is open to legal interpretation, but you’d think that losing games and triggering a fan revolt would qualify.

Sure, losses are overblown and fans revolt too easily. That’s why coaches make the big bucks. If they wanted job security they could become morticians.

But then, an inept mortician wouldn’t get $6 million to stop screwing up funerals.

Buyout money doesn’t usually come from state funds. That doesn’t mean it couldn’t have been put to better use, like paying for equipment or scholarships or gourmet food in the press box.

So don’t feel sorry for old Phil, Tennessee fans. You should demand Hamilton eat so many doughnuts he turns orange. You certainly have just cause.