Kobe, Paris hold the key to radio success, Page 2 demise

I got to thinking the other day, after being asked a thousand times what’s going on at the paper, will I be all right?

Funny thing, but it seemed as if they all had the same look of disappointment on their faces once I told them, “I think I’ll be OK.”

That brings me to the new morning radio show that I’m doing with the daughter and Uncle Fred and why everyone should be doing whatever they can to keep it on the air as long as possible.

Now the way I look at it, every month we do remain on the air, is both a mystery as well as one less month I will have to work for the newspaper because for some reason the folks at 570 insist on paying us to talk.

We make it a whole year on the air, and it means working one less year at the newspaper before retiring or before the newspaper officially becomes a shopper. I don’t think I need to explain why Karl Dorrell is such a fan of the radio show.

But it does make you wonder how sharp folks such as Tony Stewart, Sean Avery and Kobe Bryant are these days.

Take the little pudgy race car driver. He recently turned down a radio invite because he doesn’t like Page 2. Let’s face it, if he doesn’t like Page 2, he ought to be calling us to appear on the air every week while hoping one of his temper tantrums will draw huge ratings -- thereby ending Page 2’s run in the paper sooner than later.

It’s not like the little pudgy driver is busy these days, what with all the good drivers competing in the season-ending Chase and Stewart left behind. I mean, with almost nothing at stake when he gets behind the wheel these days, he could’ve called the show while racing.

We’ve met only once, at the California Speedway, but apparently the little pudgy driver didn’t think we hit it off. It’s not my fault he’s so short.

I suppose we could’ve gotten off to a better start. He said something like, “If you want to talk about last week,” forget it, so I wondered, “What happened last week?”

He went on a rant, the next day he blew an engine and I read later that he finished last in that race. Tough luck.

A while back I bought a No. 20 hat, and as ugly as an orange hat can be, I wear it hoping that when we meet again he will see I really do root for people -- even if they finish last. The Dodgers will tell you that.

I would think, knowing that I intend to return to the track to talk to him and write some more Page 2 columns, he’d try to put a stop to that and either buy the newspaper or make sure a good radio show brings me closer to newspaper retirement.

That’s probably what Avery had in mind when he came on the show Wednesday, but the thing about hockey players, they’re just not that swift off skates.

Uncle Fred invited the thug to join us because Uncle Fred sees the good in everyone. Uncle Fred is a TV guy, and TV guys think you have to see the good in everyone or people will never again agree to go on camera. But you have to wonder about a TV guy who wants to put a hockey player on camera.

“The new Sean,” is how Avery introduced himself before he began threatening Page 2, and suggesting that if he had come to the studio to do the interview, “I’m sure you’d be intimidated.”

Between threats, he talked about his friend, Paris Hilton, and how smart she is, and I would imagine in some hockey circles she would be considered the brightest bulb in the room.

When I suggested the perfect meeting, a face-to-face interview with him, Avery said, “Let’s do it in a basement when no one is around and we’ll lock the door.” I would’ve thought that would be the perfect meeting with Paris Hilton, but I guess I just haven’t spent enough time with hockey players to know what they’re really like.

I wonder if Paris would come on the show.

As listener Brian Falagrady put it in an e-mail, “If the guy can’t even conduct an interview without making senseless threats, then he’s making the team and the city look bad.” But it sure was good radio.

That’s why I would’ve thought Bryant would have been more eager to come on. Maybe even weekly. But you know how he likes to pout.

He’s been given every opportunity to clear the air, but you can just imagine how busy he is these days trying to answer all the tough questions that Vic the Brick has for him.

So that’s why we had Rick Fox join us in studio, telling us he’d prefer to call it “frustration” rather than “pouting” on Bryant’s part in Phoenix, but effectively confirming what everyone knows: Bryant wasn’t Bryant at the time.

Bryant might argue that, and wouldn’t that make for great radio, especially since the last time he was with the father and the daughter, Miss Radio Personality began by asking him, “Tell me this, Big Baby, sir.”

By the end of that interview, just after referring to him as a “ball hog,” the daughter began singing Bryant’s praises, almost apologizing for being tough on him -- because when he wants to do so, Bryant can handle anything.

It was great radio, all right, but since the Big Baby has no interest in improving the new morning show’s ratings, oh well, it just means hanging in there for another decade or so writing on Page 2. Smelling salts, please, for Dorrell.

Unless, of course, Eli Broad and Ron Burkle buy the paper. I was only teasing, of course, when chiding them for going belly up when it came time to take the NFL’s offer for an expansion franchise.

I don’t necessarily consider it derogatory when you describe someone as a lightweight. The wife, for example, would be thrilled.

But should the two billionaires disagree, well then, there’s one more good reason to keep the radio show going as long as possible.

T.J. Simers can be reached at

[email protected]. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.