Fair-Weather Laker Fan Offers a True Confession

Diary of a Laker fan ...

Journal entry Nov. 28, 2002:

Dear Diary: We’re 94 feet of deadwood. Those blabber-mouthed talk radio hosts and print pundits are right when they say my Lakers are finished. On top of this I can’t find my Prozac. Last night’s duck-and-cover at Orlando drops us to 5-11. You could measure Shaq’s vertical leap with a paper plate. Who operated on that toe, Dr. Kevorkian?

Kobe recently ripped Samaki Walker for not playing hurt. I’ve seen more camaraderie on “Survivor.” Apparently these guys don’t realize there are only 66 games left in the season!

Journal entry Dec. 1, 2002:

Dear Diary: Wife removed sharp objects from house after loss to Minnesota put us at 6-12 and tied for last place with the Clippers. Horry and Walker are hurt (again!). Horry is so creaky he reminds me of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz. Perhaps someone on the Laker staff -- Kurt Rambis? -- needs to stand next to him with an oil can. Horry is the only player I’ve heard of who needed an MRI after layup drills. GM Mitch Kupchak said last week it’s too soon to panic, “the temptation is to overanalyze when you shouldn’t.”

Hey, Tin Man, why don’t you can Kupchak.

Journal entry Dec. 19, 2002:

Dear Diary: We shoot 30% at New Jersey? We fall to 10-17? Fire the Zen Master, trade Kobe while we can get value. I’m serious. Sign Horace Grant. Sign Horace Greeley. Sign somebody before we go hoarse from booing.

What’s up with Slava Medvedenko? All these tremendous Euro imports flooding the NBA and we get stuck with the one who can’t play? Starting to think those nine NBA titles Phil won were a fluke, more harmonic convergence than Triangle offense.

What Samaki Walker needs for Christmas: a pair of hands.

Fisher is a tough little guy; he’d be great in my Rec league.

Journal entry Dec. 26, 2002:

Dear Diary: I stared at my holiday plate thinking how “cranberry sauce” rhymes with “Laker loss.” Defeat to Sacramento “Queens” was a drag. The real problem is Rick Fox getting more television commercials than rebounds. Kings’ crowning ends all hope. We’re 11-19, only 52 games left. I think that recent “Panic Attack” headline in local fish wrap sums it up.

I’m off to mountain cabin to reflect on Laker futility and sorry state of the NBA. I may stay two years, speak to no one, commune with nature, groove to the Grateful Dead, maybe write a book, “On Walton Pond.”

Journal entry Jan 25, 2003:

Dear Diary: We used to talk about back-to-back championships; now we’re talking back-to-back home losses to Golden State and New Jersey. Can’t say I’d pay $20 for that t-shirt. Forget Christmas being the low point. This is the point. This is Jules Verne low. Lakers probably couldn’t win 20,000 leagues under the sea. Someone tell me how we’re going to rebound from 19-23 with upcoming games at Phoenix, at Sacramento, home to Utah, then on the road at Indy and New York before the All-Star break?

Give me a break.

Journal entry Feb. 10, 2003:

Dear Diary: Lakers one-game over .500. Perhaps birth of Kobe’s kid not affecting his game. No more jokes about scientists discovering another moon orbiting Shaq.

Regarding journal entries of Nov. 28, Dec. 1, Dec. 19, Dec. 26, Jan. 25:

Never mind.

Go Lakers!

News item: Florida is the new No. 1 team in college basketball!

Second thought: No, wait, sorry. That was an hour ago.

News item: Jennifer Lopez wins $400,000 in Las Vegas betting on Super Bowl.

Second thought: Had Pete Rose been this savvy, he could have paid his back taxes and had $250,000 left to wager on the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

News item: Raiders lose Super Bowl but win favorable ruling in two tax cases.

Second thought: Just litigate, baby.

News item: Golfer Phil Mickelson tells Golf magazine Tiger Woods is “the only player who is good enough to overcome the equipment he’s stuck with.”

Second thought: Phil may be the only player who is good enough to overcome the mouth he’s stuck with.

News item: USC sweeps season series in basketball against UCLA.

Second thought: National weather service downgrades USC-UCLA from “heated rivalry” to “tropical depression.”

News item: UCLA ends nine-game losing streak with win against Georgetown.

Second thought: You know, if the Bruins could somehow sweep the Arizona schools this week, grab that eighth spot in the Pacific 10 Conference tournament, pull of an upset or two ... nah!!

News item: Prep star LeBron James scores 52 points in first game back after judge restores eligibility.

Second thought: Judge ruled it was OK for James to play first game back in New Jersey but would have not been allowed to play in Old Jersey.

News item: Raider guard Frank Middleton not sure teammate Barret Robbins really suffers from bipolar disorder, tells ESPN radio, “is it true or is his agent doing some of the covering up of some problems or issues that he had?”

Second thought: On my fantasy Mt. Rushmore for numbskulls, I’d have to chisel Middleton’s face between Moe and Curly Howard.

What will this guy say next?

Middleton on Lance Armstrong beating cancer:

I’m not buying it until I see more medical proof.

Middleton on the 1969 moon landing.

Everyone knows it was a hoax and produced in Hollywood.

News item: USC scores big on national football signing day.

Second thought: The following assessment of area schools provided by the nationally acclaimed scouting service, “Super Second-Thoughts Preps Magazine.”

USC -- Trojans bagged their legal player limit within two hours and, under California Fish and Game laws, had to toss two undersized linebackers back in the talent pool.

Long Beach State -- Signed three players UCLA coveted even though the 49ers dropped football years ago.

Whittier College -- No scholarships available yet beat UCLA out for area’s top-rated equipment man.

UCLA -- Landed top junior varsity center at the Brentwood School of Pottery.