Joke of a Kicking Game Needs Funny Man’s Help

In the glorious history of USC football, 402 players have gone on to be drafted by the NFL. One of them was a kicker.

USC once went 14 years without making a field goal--Frank Gifford breaking the dry spell with a 22-yarder against Cal.

In their last 27 games, USC has failed to successfully kick the “automatic” extra point 17 times. They’ve botched four PATs this season in five games.

Student body right now takes on a whole different meaning at USC.

I asked the sports information department at USC who is the school’s best-known kicker of all time and was told, “Tommy Walker, who would kick and then put on a cape to lead the band.”

Just how good was he? I asked.

“He’s the guy who composed the trumpet ‘Charge,’ you know, da, da da da ta da ... charge!” he said.

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COACH PETE Carroll said he didn’t want to discuss the Trojan kickers because it might affect their confidence. I guess that means he would have nothing nice to say about them.

I ran into former Trojan coach Craig Fertig, who told me he once ran a want ad in the Daily Trojan for a kicker because John McKay told him to find someone, and he didn’t care how. That gave me an idea.

I decided to conduct auditions for a new USC kicker Tuesday and brought along the official NFL football the Raiders gave me several years ago to stay away from them with my name misspelled on the side of the ball. I began approaching students on the USC campus, and I would like to commend campus security guards at this time for not drawing their weapons. (Thank heaven they weren’t in walkie-talkie contact with Mike Garrett).

My first stop, of course, was Tommy Trojan, but I noticed he’s as big a stiff as the two guys kicking for the team right now, so I moved to the Drama Center with the hope of finding someone who might act like a kicker.

Jaimey Wiener, a freshman theater major, said, “If someone asked me to act like a USC kicker, I’d probably start by running around the block to work up a sweat.”

I told her kickers don’t usually sweat much, but she shot back, “If you’re kicking the way these guys are, you would.” For the record, that’s the first person with any affiliation to USC to ever demonstrate a sense of humor.

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EDUARDO VIDAL, an economics major who was wearing a Dodger cap because he said it matched his blue shoes, showed promise given the quirky nature of kickers. “I also have a Steelers cap,” he said, and when I get the list of everything else he owns, I’ll pass it on.

Now you would think anyone wearing a Dodger cap would be pretty adept at booting the ball, but Vidal asked to be holder for theater major Sean Bury. Bury put on a good show but showed more promise as a producer than actor, spotting George Costanza and immediately casting him as kicker.

“Jason Alexander,” said George Costanza as we shook hands, and if he didn’t want to attract any attention I would have suggested calling himself, “Bob Patterson.”

Now as you know, George met Jerry Seinfeld at JFK High School when he fell off a rope in gym class and landed on Jerry’s head. So I knew already he had the athletic qualifications to be a kicker.

“I don’t have my kicking shoes on,” Costanza said, and after what I heard from USC’s kicker last week--blaming the holder for his PAT miss, I could see the method actor in George trying to assume the role of real USC kicker.

Bury agreed to be the holder and began carrying on with Costanza about George’s time as a drama major at Boston University, and I know he was just doing Kramer, because he was getting on my nerves.

Finally Costanza backed up, waited for Bury to spot the ball on the asphalt parking lot, and then I swear I was watching Lou Groza kick the Cleveland Browns to victory. George’s aim was not only true, but the ball took off for an easy extra-point conversion, going far enough to beat anything Gifford might have kicked in his heyday. “Sign me up,” crowed Costanza.

I had found a kicker for USC, and knowing how George’s career is going these days, I figured he’d be free.

“I’m teaching here at USC, I’ve got my KFC commercials and I just finished a film,” Costanza said with that know-it-all attitude of his, and I’ve watched Seinfeld enough to know not a word of it was probably true. But I played along.

So George, what’s the name of your next film?

“I’m hoping they’ll change it. It’s called: ‘The Man Who Saved Christmas.’ ”

By December, it could be: “The Man Who Saved the Trojans.”

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I FINISHED interviewing George and turned around to find someone at USC had swiped my official NFL football. I have my suspicions, and I could be wrong, but I’d sure like a peek into the athletic director’s trophy case.

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ON KSPN radio Tuesday afternoon, broadcaster Dave Stone unloaded on Beau Duran, the Phoenix disc jockey who was fired for making a disrespectful call to the widow of Darryl Kyle last week while on the air.

An emotional Stone said, “That kind of cheap ... stunt--there is no place for it,” right after he and his partner, Todd Donoho, had found a place for it--airing a tape of the cheap ... stunt on their radio show for the benefit of their audience.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Si Karot:

“Do they actually let you in the Angels’ clubhouse after what you were writing about them earlier this season?”

They said, “No problem,” as long as I’m out when the team returns Friday from its 0-2 start in Minnesota.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]