Send in the Sequels

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, sequels may be Hollywood’s biggest compliment to itself.

Among offerings that will soon wash into theaters like a red tide are “Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones,” “Men in Black II” and “Austin Powers in Goldmember.”

Each has been the subject of intense Internet speculation about how closely it will resemble its predecessor, with varying degrees of secrecy surrounding each production. Hollywood’s usual formula is simply to repeat the previous formula in hopes of doubling the take. These films, however, were made by people who seem too smart to simply repeat themselves.

Nor do the rules of sequels from “Scream 2” (“No. 1, the body count is always bigger. No. 2, the death scenes are always much more elaborate”) necessarily apply. As we contemplated these movies, we tried to extrapolate what the filmmakers are likely to do--and what a little wishful thinking could provide.

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“Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones”

In the last one: Anakin Skywalker, the future Darth Vader, was a gratingly chipper 10-year-old.

In the next one, we expect: Anakin Skywalker will be twice as old and played by future Tiger Beat centerfold Hayden Christensen.

We’d like to see: How he morphs into the half-man, half-machine monstrosity of “Return of the Jedi”--but we’ll probably have to wait for “Episode III.”

In the last one: Anakin and Princess Amidala had a baby-sitter/baby-sittee relationship.

In the next one, we expect: They will develop an older woman-younger man romance, complicated by the fact that he serves as her Jedi bodyguard.

We’d like to see: Amidala singing “I Will Always Love You” a la Whitney Houston in “The Bodyguard,” backed by ‘N Sync (rumored in cameos).

In the last one: The highlight was the “Ben-Hur”-like pod race between Anakin and vicious Sebulba.

In the next one, we expect: Anakin to outrace bad guys’ spaceships in an interstellar dogfight.

We’d like to see: Anakin do his flight training on the Game Cube or Xbox versions already in stores.

In the last one: The best villain was Darth Maul, the red-and-black-faced, horned Sith who was cut in half by Obi-Wan Kenobi after killing Qui-Gon Jinn.

In the next one, we expect: The best villain will be bounty hunter Jango Fett, forebear of original-trilogy bad guy Boba Fett.

We like to see: Which earthling ethnic stereotypes will be applied to new aliens.

In the last one: Samuel L. Jackson did a cameo as a member of the Jedi Council.

In the next one, we expect: Jimmy Smits will show up as a senator who will figure prominently in “Episode III” as the adoptive father of the Anakin-Amidala offspring who grows up to be Princess Leia.

We’d like to see: As little as possible of Jar Jar Binks.

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“Austin Powers in Goldmember”

In the last one: Austin Powers, ultimate hipster spy, went back in time to save the world from Dr. Evil.

In the next one, we expect: Austin to return to the past, to pre-secret agent days when he and Dr. Evil were youths at school.

We’d like to see: Austin explore alternate realities--or perhaps discover that he is a fictional character.

In the last one: His sidekick was the aptly named Felicity Shagwell, played by Heather Graham.

In the next one, we expect: Myers will send up Pam Grier’s early movie career, with Beyonce Knowles as sidekick Foxy Cleopatra.

We’d like to see: Burt Bacharach, who had cameos in the first two, promoted to full sidekick status.

In the last one: The villain was bald, padded super-villain Dr. Evil, with henchmen Fat Bastard and Mini-Me.

In the next one, we expect: Those three are joined by Goldmember.

We’d like to see: MPAA head Jack Valenti in a cameo as the true Mr. Big, with the MGM lion as his pet.

In the last one: Myers played three characters: Austin Powers, Dr. Evil and Fat Bastard.

In the next one, we expect: Myers will play four--those plus Goldmember.

We’d like to see: Myers go the full Eddie Murphy and play every character--as long as he doesn’t reprise his Steve Rubell impression from “54.”

In the last one: Tim Robbins popped up in a cameo as the president of the United States.

In the next one, we expect: Michael Caine to show up as Austin’s father, along with cameos by others including Katie Couric and Gwyneth Paltrow.

We’d like to see: Sean Connery as the Powers’ progenitor, a role he reportedly turned down.

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“Men in Black II”

In the last one: Energetic Will Smith was teamed with deadpan Tommy Lee Jones as interstellar immigration agents.

In the next one, we expect: Energetic Will Smith’s new partner will be deadpan Patrick Warburton.

We’d like to see: Energetic Will Smith teamed with original man-in-black Johnny Cash.

In the last one: Hotshot Smith discovered a whole ‘nother level to reality on Earth--including computer-generated aliens.

In the next one, we expect: More, weirder aliens--including a two-headed Johnny Knoxville.

We’d like to see: Rip Torn’s Zed revealed as an alien double agent.

In the last one: The MiBs wielded the memory-erasing neuralyzer.

In the next one, we expect: Smith will have to find a way to de-neuralyze Jones, who wiped his own slate clean and joined the Postal Service at the end of “MiB.”

We’d like to see: Smith find a way to focus the neuralyzer on our memories of “Wild Wild West.”

In the last one: There were sparks of lust between Smith and coroner Linda Fiorentino, but the real love story was the bonding of Smith and Jones as partners.

In the next one, we expect: Smith to have a girlfriend played by Rosario Dawson--and to be tempted by queen alien Lara Flynn Boyle, disguised as a lingerie model.

We’d like to see: Smith playing hard to get for a change.

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Marshall Fine is an occasional contributor to Calendar.