Avoiding the Word Takes the Wind Out of His Sails

I don’t want to screw up and write the word xxxx in the newspaper, because we’re not supposed to use that word, which really xxxxs when you have to write a column discussing the use of that word.

This past weekend, for example, the Mariners wouldn’t let anyone enter their stadium if they were wearing a “Yankees Xxxx” T-shirt. Well, that’s not true, if they had actually been wearing a “Yankees Xxxx” T-shirt they would have been allowed into the ballpark, but because they used the word I can’t use, they were stopped.

The Mariners refused to apologize for making fans turn their shirts inside out, and now legal action might be taken against the organization with ACLU talk of First Amendment violations.

Here in L.A., of course, we don’t have that problem because we have parents who are a lot smarter, painting “Xxxx” on the bare back of their son, and then sitting back with pride as he becomes a Staples Center crowd favorite at Kings’ games.

“Our policy is that ‘xxxx’ is not an offensive word,” said Michael Roth, Staples’ spin control expert.

In fact the folks at Staples tell me they have never received a complaint about the youngster who is at most home games with the name of the Kings’ opponent on his bare back along with the word I cannot use.

“His nickname is ‘Little Big Man,’” said Brenda Tinnen, senior vice president for a lot of stuff at Staples. “He’s beloved by the fans for his shtick.”

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to check to see if I can write shtick in the paper.

I saw the kid on the overhead scoreboard during one of the Kings’ playoff games, dancing and turning his back for the camera’s benefit so no one would miss “Avs Xxxx,” the crowd roaring with approval. Oh, we love it here when our kids stick it to the opposition.

It must be a special moment at home, too, when mom or dad have “Little Big Man” turn around so they can print “Xxxx” on his back. I hope they’re taking home videos to show the relatives over the holidays.

“He’s probably 11-12 or 13-years-old, and he has ‘Kings Rule’ on his belly and the name of the team we’re playing with the word ‘Xxxx’ on his back,” Tinnen said. “If we don’t get him on the scoreboard, I get letters from fans complaining.”

I asked Tinnen if she was offended by the word “xxxx,” and she said, “It’s not one of George Carlin’s seven banned words on TV,” and she started to go through the list. But like most Staples Center officials I know, I told her I was already impressed with her knowledge of profanity.

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I SAW the word “xxxx” on the Staples scoreboard so often in the three Kings’ playoff games I attended--what with all the signs the youngsters were holding up--I began to think Colorado was really a horrible team until it blasted the Kings, and then it dawned on me who really xxxxs.

“My job is to make sure the fans are screaming and going crazy in Staples,” said Kurt Schwartzkopf, the Kings’ vice president in charge of inciting crowds. “And there’s no question our fans love the dancing kid with the word ‘xxxx’ on his back.”

The kid will probably grow up one day to become an ACLU attorney.

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I DISCOVERED L.A.-based comedy writer Tim O’Donnell might very well be responsible for making “xxxx” a household word. In 1990 his TV show, “Uncle Buck,” kicked off the fall season in prime time, and the very first words delivered on the show were from 6-year-old Maizy, yelling at her 8-year-old brother, “Miles, you xxxx.”

O’Donnell said no one remembers that Uncle Buck grounded the kid for using language like that, but to be honest, he said, “If you took xxxx out of the English language today most kids would have to learn to talk with their hands.”

Many of the kids I see at sporting events these days already talk with their hands. Some grow up to be grumpy pitchers for the Dodgers.

In fact I think the Dodgers, just as much as O’Donnell, deserve credit for making “xxxx” a regular part of our kids’ vocabulary. Now we have kids coming to the ballpark for the Giants-Dodgers’ rivalry, listening to everyone around them chanting, “Barry xxxxs,” and it’s not only accepted, but parentally inspired.

“That’s not a word that’s considered profanity,” said Derrick Hall, the Dodgers’ vice president for making everything sound good.

Now as good luck would have it, I discovered it will be “Lunch Box” giveaway night when Gary Sheffield returns to town for the first time on Aug. 23. That means when kids return to school with lunch box in hand, they’ll have a reminder of how they’ve been rewarded for yelling, “Gary xxxxs.”

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I’M SURE the Lakers have talent lined up to sing the national anthem during the playoffs, but if they have an opening they should bring in 11-year-old Joelle James, who rocked Dodger Stadium the other night.

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I WAS going to say that Jerry West going to Memphis isn’t the end of the world, but I’ve worked in Memphis, so I can’t say that.

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THERE WERE 125 media voters who placed Shaquille O’Neal on the All-NBA first team, and one who dropped him to third. I called Fred Hickman, who is now doing the pre- and post-game shows for the Yankees’ network, and he said, “Tell everyone it wasn’t me. I didn’t vote.”

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Bob Kempf:

“You’re helping the Dodgers with their hitting, now what about your spelling? You wrote: “I better do good tonight or your going to pound me, aren’t you? Do you see your boo-boo, T.J.?”

When your right, your right.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected].