Nebraska, Miami or None of the Above

You’ve taken your math SATs; you’ve taken your verbal SATs. Now, just in time for the Rose Bowl, come the football SATs. So sharpen your No. 2 pencil, pull up a chair and, please, children, keep your eyes on your own papers:

1. The best football movie ever made was:

A. “Brian’s Song”

B. “The Longest Yard”

C. “Rudy”

D. “Dude, Where’s My Cheerleader?”

2. The two teams playing in Thursday’s championship game were decided by:

A. Two drunks and a 12-pack

B. Two drunks and two 12-packs

C. The cast of “Friends”

D. Polls, computer geeks and a bunch of stuff no one will ever understand

3. To the college football world, a hurricane represents:

A. The ability to storm through opponents

B. A weather-beaten Florida city living constantly under the threat of destruction

C. A potent New Orleans rum drink that always makes college kids really sick

D. All of the above

4. At the beginning of the fourth quarter, Miami fans stand and raise four fingers to:

A. Order four more brewskis

B. Remind opponents of Miami’s four national titles

C. Practice their math

D. Signify that the fourth quarter belongs to them

5. Dennis Miller is to “Monday Night Football” as:

A. Sloppy Joes are to steak

B. Soap operas are to Shakespeare

C. Water is to wine

D. All of the above

6. John Wayne once played football for:

A. The Cowboys

B. The Indians

C. USC

D. Nebraska

7. Spanking is ...

A. A city in China

B. A small town about 30 miles south of Omaha

C. The sport of the future

D. None of the above

8. Heisman Trophy winner Eric Crouch is from:

A. Omaha

B. Lincoln

C. Douglas

D. Spanking

9. In college football, the most successful team colors appear to be:

A. Red and white

B. Blue and gold

C. Ketchup and mustard

D. Prison stripes

10. The Miami marching band is known as:

A. The Marching Egrets

B. Band of the Hour

C. Band on the Run

D. The Mighty Margaritas

11. What’s skinny, overpaid and never smiles?

A. Randy Moss

B. Kate Moss

C. Katharine Ross

D. Your immediate boss

12. Before 1900, Nebraska players were known as:

A. The Husky Boys

B. The Sunshine Boys

C. The Bugeaters

D. None of the above

13. “War and Peace” is . . .

A. A book by Tolstoy that you never finished

B. The names of Nebraska’s two mascots

C. Last week’s Cleveland Browns halftime show

D. All of the above.

14. Which one of these tunes is not a real University of Miami song:

A. “Hail to the Spirit of Miami U.”

B. “The Pride of Biscayne Bay”

C. “U. of Miami Alma Mater”

D. “Blow Hurricanes”

15. Nebraska’s first football game was against:

A. The Omaha YMCA

B. Doane College

C. The South Dakota Indian School

D. Creighton University

16. Astroturf is to grass as ...

W. Arbor Day is to Christmas

X. Sex is to love

Y. Love is to sex

Z. Pig’s feet is to pork chops.

Answers: 1. (A) 2. (D) 3. (D) 4. (D) 5. (D) 6. (C) 7. (D) 8. (A) 9. (A) 10. (B) 11. (A) 12. (C) 13. (A) 14. (B) 15. (A) 16. (Z)

Scoring:

1-6 correct: Where are your priorities?

7-15 correct: Better, but still too much library time

16 correct: A perfect 800. Pick your college (preferably one where the colors are red and white)

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Chris Erskine’s column is published on Wednesdays. He can be reached at [email protected].