Take Him Seriously--He Wants to Date You, Just Not Seriously

Carolyn: I am seeing a person who just got out of a serious relationship. Things seemed fine, but soon the guy told me that he thinks he is not ready for a relationship with anyone right now. I appreciated his honesty. But he keeps calling, and when we go out it feels like we are still dating. I am confused because he is saying one thing and acting very differently. Some friends say that I should just give it more time, and others are handing me my running shoes. I like him a lot and want to be his girlfriend, not his doormat.

--READY TO RUN

Um. I think you feel like you’re still dating because you’re still dating.

And I think any message is going to come across as mixed if you keep turning over every hyphen and comma, looking for the message you’d rather hear. He is ready to go on dates with a woman or women he likes, including you. He’s not ready to commit. Good for him for knowing the difference.

Carolyn: I’ve been dating a guy for about a year, and things are great. Really nice, funny, interesting, blahblahblah. However, he is also painfully socially awkward. And I emphasize painfully. He feels shy, doesn’t say anything, then overcompensates by making loud, show-off comments. He’s not like this at all once he relaxes. I’m finding it difficult to take him places where I will need to introduce him. Friends who meet him look at me like I’m nuts. First of all, is this something that could change, or is this a take-it-like-it-is thing? Secondly, am I a bad person for being bothered by this?

--NOWHERE

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You’re a very bad person. Terrible. Satan’s publicist.

So, how is it now--has his weirdness stopped getting to you? Of course not. Things that bother us bother us, whether we’re legitimate victims or jerks; you’ve got to call a peeve a peeve. I’d like to enjoy hitting traffic, but in the meantime Plan B is to curse more and/or drive less.

That said, being honest with ourselves about why we get so annoyed can help us feel less so; traffic is far less obnoxious if you stop leaving late all the time. So what is it here? Do you dislike this side of him, regard it as a character flaw? Do you miss socializing in groups? Do you feel ashamed to have friends think the guy you’re with is a loser and that he was the best you could do?

Respond to any of these with a conscious decision--that you’ll be open-minded and patient, or that his good traits outweigh this badness, or that your vanity should be reined in, whichever might apply, and you might find he isn’t so bad.

And that, in turn, might put you at ease introducing him, which then might could possibly just maybe help the poor guy to relax. It’s wise to assume that he won’t change, not much, not unless he’s so young he’ll outgrow it. Try introducing him slowly; he may loosen around your friends like he did with you, one-on-one--if you (and they) will let him, and he doesn’t feel you cringe.

There’s nothing bad about waiting, at least a little while, to see how the maybes add up. Just don’t wait because it seems right or wrong, though; out of fairness to him, do it only if you feel he’s worth it.

Carolyn: I have been living with my boyfriend for two years. Today, at work, I received an anonymous letter telling me that my boyfriend had cheated on me twice. It was stated in this letter that it was being written because I am “too nice not to know what is going on.” I have confronted my boyfriend, and he denies all of it. What do I do now? Please help.

--WHY ME

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Why-me’s are always sighed away rhetorically, but they’re really best when they’re answered. Really. Why you? You’ve exhausted the whole things-to-do list (1. Confront boyfriend.), so you might as well mull this one over.

The two possibilities are that he’s cheating or isn’t. That means you’re either missing something at home or missing that there’s a sniper out there in the friend-hedges. A vindictive ex, perhaps.

Given your personality, and his, and yours combined, and your history--has he ever, ever deceived you?--and your various social circles, and the time you’ve been together, and the limits of credulity, which of these two scenarios makes more sense? If this is like most inner issues, the answer is right in your face--or will be, when the head bag comes off.

There are always exceptions, though, and so the questions become: Can you take the wait-and-see, innocent-until-proven-guilty approach--relax, live, love and keep your eyes wide open--without going completely out of your mind? And have you been tested for new STDs?

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