Open Mike

Now, for some really un-enhanced TV: Before Fox presents Super Bowl XXXVI (that’s short for 30-something), let’s review some of the more colorful broadcast fumbles and strange calls of the 2001 football season. (Don’t worry--TV Times’ play-review system is much faster than the NFL’s.)

Worst bungling of a cliche: CBS analyst Randy Cross warned that if the NFL scheduled more night games, it would be “over-milking the Golden Goose.”

Most glaring lack of class: The XFL was created by NBC and wrestling promoter Vince McMahon, who promised that viewers would get to know the cheerleaders “on a first-name basis.” If a cheerleader was dating a poorly playing quarterback, McMahon said, sideline reporters would confront her, “demanding to know whether the two of them did the wild thing last night.”

Best self-revelation: McMahon, in a heated exchange on HBO with Bob Costas, said: “What, I have no class?”

Most misplaced compassion: CBS sideline reporter Jill Arrington concluded a halftime interview with Florida coach Steve Spurrier by saying, “Good luck in the second half, Coach.” Spurrier’s team led Mississippi State 35-0 at the time, en route to a 52-0 win.

Cloudiest crystal ball: ABC expert Terry Bowden predicted that Rutgers could “make it close” against Miami, which won 61-0. He forecast a defensive struggle between Kansas State and Oklahoma (the latter won 38-37). And he said he didn’t “see a win” the rest of the way for 0-3 Penn State, which then won five of its next eight games.

Early-exit award: The Times’ Larry Stewart caught CBS’ Mike Ditka, a guest commentator on a “Monday Night Football” radio broadcast, announcing that he was leaving in the middle of the third quarter. Reason: To beat the traffic.

Gee, it was dry in the booth: CBS’ Dick Enberg declared that the rain was a half-mile away during one Steelers game, only to have the camera pan to a sideline reporter shivering under a giant umbrella. Said the reporter, Bonnie Bernstein: “Dick, the rain is a little less than a half-mile away. It’s here.”

He could tell you if it was raining, though: Near the end of a close game, ABC sideline reporter Eric Dickerson said dramatically: “Now the pressure’s on [Jacksonville] quarterback Mark Brunell ... and the [Packers] are coming after him.” Trouble was, as USA Today’s Rudy Martzke pointed out, the Packers had the ball.

Worst career move: Matt Millen quit as a Fox broadcaster to become general manager of the Detroit Lions, who lost 14 of 16 games.

Nobody quits Fox and gets away with it!: Fox cameras gleefully focused on Millen’s face time and again during Lions defeats. Fox broadcaster Dick Stockton, his former partner, finally groused: “Matt’s getting more air time than he did when he was with me.”

Shot down by ads: The Rose Bowl broadcast was so inundated with commercial plugs, noted Michael Hiestand of USA Today, that “ABC all but said the air that bowl players breathed was ‘brought to you by a sponsor.’” Especially bizarre was the mention of individual movies as sponsors, as when broadcaster Tim Brant announced the “‘Black Hawk Down’ Game Solution” summary. It “was a mouthful,” the Daily News’ Tom Hoffarth wrote, that “no one could possibly solve.”

At a loss for words: During Miami’s boring 37-14 win over Nebraska in the Rose Bowl, radio broadcaster Ron Franklin asked sideline reporter Adrian Karsten: “Do you have a trivial point?” Franklin corrected himself to say he meant a bit of trivia.

Now that’s funny!: ABC, which fired commentator Boomer Esiason in favor of comic Dennis Miller on “Monday Night Football” two years ago, saw the show’s audience decline for the second straight year.

The bottom line: During HBO’s “Inside the NFL” investigation into the plight of players who have to relieve themselves during games, Fox commentator Troy Aikman said: “I’ve never understood why they don’t have bathrooms on the sidelines.”

Flush!: That was the sound of NBC disposing of the XFL after one season.

Super Bowl programming begins at 10 a.m. today on KTTV, with Fox’s official pre-game show beginning at noon. The game telecast starts at 3 p.m., although the kickoff itself won’t take place until about 3:20.