The Agony of ‘Idol’ Worship

The stock market was diving, baseball was on a doomsday watch, President Bush was swinging Saddam Hussein like a Louisville Slugger, and a 9-year-old was snatched from his home in Palm Desert. But you and I knew Wednesday night that only one thing mattered.

Justin and Kelly had survived!!!

Like you, I was in knots all day, wondering if America would toss out Nikki, Justin or Kelly from Fox’s blockbuster summer series, propelling the others toward next week’s climactic final, whose expected huge audience will tune in if only to learn if Justin’s expanding hair continues to fit inside Hollywood’s Kodak Theatre. Yes, get ready for a “High Noon” of high Cs, a no-notes-barred song-out to the finish, a cosmic two-hour extravaganza that will determine, after nearly three months of intense competition, who will become our ... American Idol.

A hero of 9/11/01? Get real. Wrong chorus.

This week it was idols-in-waiting Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson who prevailed in the minds of most viewers phoning in votes. These kids dispatched glossy Nikki McKibbin by again warbling their hearts out for America, for celebrity commentators Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell and for host Ryan Seacrest and his sleepy marionette, Brian Dunkleman.

As for Ryan and Brian, it’s fairly clear that Seacrest’s role here is to be odious and overbearing, and that Dunkleman’s is to somehow remain awake while his co-host does the talking.

Although Fox’s amnesiacs promote “American Idol: Search for a Superstar” as a fresh concept, its roots go back nearly 70 years to radio’s “Major Bowes Amateur Hour,” whose subsequent TV version ran for years with Ted Mack as emcee and begat a spoof titled “The Gong Show,” and the more recent “Star Search” and the even newer “Making the Band” and “Popstars.”

“American Idol” opened June 11 with 100 contestants who had been culled from the multitudes in nationwide auditions. That group was pared weekly in Tuesday-Wednesday installments of the show. Viewers vote after each Tuesday episode, then hear the results near the end of the Wednesday episode.

Next week’s winner gets a major recording contract. Fox is already a winner, the big ratings promising an “American Idol II” at the very least.

I’m a nervous wreck over all of this. Now, Nikki was sexy, and I swear I could see my reflection in her lips.

But I knew she had no chance this week when my cockatiels began chirping angrily as soon as she opened her mouth. Or ... was that her chirping?

If Kelly and her big voice don’t trump Justin and his Michael Jackson cuteness next week, America’s talent scouts will have no credibility at all. Of course, anything can happen here, for many of us were shocked, yes shocked, when Tamyra Gray was voted off the show the previous Wednesday instead of Nikki.

After all, this is not any old idol were picking here. It’s our idol. The good old U.S. of A.’s idol. America’s global reputation is at stake. If Nikki had won, what would they have thought of us in Sri Lanka?

That’s why I called to register support of Justin and Kelly on Tuesday night, only to be disqualified when I also voted for smarmy, dolled-up Ryan Seacrest to have a close-up meeting (you know what kind) with Tony Soprano.

What is it with this guy? He eyes the camera as if it’s a mirror, and my own hair got moussed just from watching his.

“Anybody got chills?” oozed Mr. Sincerity after Kelly’s performance. Anybody got a cream pie to push into Seacrest’s face?

In fact, sincerity is this show’s signature. Yup, absolutely. On Wednesday, I especially loved the part when:

* Justin, Kelly and Nikki held hands while waiting to hear which of them was voted off.

* Justin and Kelly wrapped their arms around Nikki when she was announced as the tossee. They felt that bad for her. Oh, yeah.

* A tearful Nikki received parting words from the judges. “This is not a time for tears,” said Cowell, a British recording executive who got famous as a judge on “Pop Idol,” the U.K. show that inspired this one. Earlier he had trashed her, in effect.

Of course, Wednesday’s “American Idol” didn’t end when the show ended. Slicing into a near-monolith of crime stories, Fox-owned KTTV was hot on the trail of this fast-breaking news in its 10 p.m. newscast, dispatching weathercaster Mark Thompson to a gathering of “American Idol” loyalists at the home of one of his Beverly Hills neighbors.

Did anybody have chills? Don’t ask.

In addition to this pair of in-depth live reports from Thompson, KTTV located a psychologist willing to play the fool and analyze Cowell’s body language and inform us how the show’s contestants were handling fame and fortune.

Out spooled her tickertape of wisdom: “These kids are under tremendous pressure.” Yet somehow they keep singing and singing in a quest to become our national idol.

It makes you proud to be an American.