A Penguin at Third Base? No, That Has Been Done

The wife just wrote out the first check, of what I am told will be many, to start the wedding process for the daughter and the big lug lying on my couch.

As some of you know, the daughter was swept off her feet by a Grocery Store Bagger: aisle five--pets and household items, I’m told.

I have to acknowledge my three-year attempt to convince the daughter I should remain the only man in her life resulted in a big swing and a miss. It wasn’t a total loss. I know what it feels like now to be Marquis Grissom trying to hit a baseball.

I’m told everyone involved in this extravaganza, which I guess leaves me out, has selected a lovely reception hall for the Aug. 9th wedding near the ocean in San Diego because it’s more expensive there. The daughter wants wedding pictures of her taken with the Bagger with the water as a backdrop, which means shipping our couch to San Diego because I can’t imagine him ever getting off it.

Now I’ve also seen the guest list for the wedding, and apparently anyone with a Ralphs Club Card is invited. This is not good news for many of you because I’ll have to keep writing Page Two columns until I’m 90 to pay for this thing.

*

SO I was sitting in the Dodger Stadium press box Tuesday night depressed, knowing I’ll still be here in 2043 waiting for the Dodgers to win their first playoff game since 1988, when I ran into Squiggy. Only in L.A., baby. It was three hours before game time and Squiggy, you know, from “Laverne & Shirley” fame, was sitting there staring at the field like he couldn’t believe they canceled his show 19 years ago.

Now some people might also know actor David Lander as Henry the penguin from the CBS cartoon, “Oswald,” which makes Squiggy and Henry immediately recognizable to people over 50 and under 5.

“Oswald is a purple octopus,” said the Bagger, and I guess the penguin is also recognizable to big lugs who can’t get off the couch to change the channel.

I told Squiggy about the daughter and the Bagger because my alternative was to go down to the clubhouse and listen to the millionaires grouse. Without hesitation Squiggy said: “My daughter has a boyfriend, too. Pre-law. Some day he’ll be an attorney.”

I never liked that guy on Laverne & Shirley.

*

NOW I know there’s no law against bad actors appearing in the Dodger Stadium press box because Tom Lasorda is here most nights. Remember those Slim-Fast commercials? But I’m a reporter, and I know the players are about to go on strike, so right away I was wondering if the Dodgers had started to assemble a replacement team--jumping on the novel idea of starting a penguin at third base.

Squiggy, however, is only a die-hard fan, who once gave the Portland Beavers $25,000 so they could sign Luis Tiant. He said he also worked two years for the Angels as a scout. The Angels hiring Squiggy as a scout explains a lot.

He has a pass giving him access to any press box in baseball.

“I keep score at every game I go to,” he said. “I’m on my 79th scoring book--25 pages to a book ... I’ll be in Anaheim [tonight] for the Angels’ game.”

I found all that about as fascinating as reruns of “Laverne & Shirley.” I noticed he was limping, though, when I told him to get lost. He explained that was his “drop foot” from his Multiple Sclerosis.

I told him he could take his time while getting lost, because I have a heart, you know, but he took that as an invite to tell me a story.

“I hid the fact I had M.S. for 15 years,” he said. “Early in my acting career they called me in and said I had problem. I thought someone discovered I had M.S., and my career was over. But they told me: ‘We think you’re an alcoholic,’ and I said, ‘Thank God.’ ”

Squiggy speaks 30 times a year to audiences across the country on behalf of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, taking in a game whenever he can, and on occasion listens to sports writers whine about lazy future son-in-laws.

“Did I mention my daughter’s boyfriend is going to be a lawyer?” Squiggy said, which reminded me there’s been no mention yet of a pre-nuptial agreement. I’d like to see something in writing that says I’m going to get my couch back.

*

A WEEK ago some local high school all stars played in Dodger Stadium, and only one ball was hit into the stands for a home run--coming off the bat of Chad Tracy, Manager Jim Tracy’s 17-year-old son.

“I’ll tell you what’s neat about that,” the manager said. “He used a wood bat for the first time and picked out the same exact model I hit with when I played, and he had no idea that’s the model I used.”

I watched Jim Tracy take batting practice before a game in San Diego earlier this season. Chad, a power hitter, must take after his mother.

*

BILL Thomson, chairman of the tenant search committee for the Rose Bowl, said earlier this week the Rose Bowl would not accept the Raiders--something to do with overcrowded conditions in the local jail, I presume.

*

BOXING PROMOTER Bob Arum hit the Pick Four at Del Mar over the weekend and collected $3,993.20. I’m still waiting to hear from Arum which charity he intends to donate his winnings. I’d suggest M.S. in the Grocery Store Bagger’s name.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jean Holtz, media analyst for Women Watching Sports News:

“I am writing to say how offended I was at [your] article on the Sparks. Let me ask this one thing, Mr. Simers. Please don’t ever write about the Sparks ... again.”

If you insist.

T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]

The wife just wrote out the first check, of what I am told will be many, to start the wedding process for the daughter and the big lug lying on my couch.

As some of you know, the daughter was swept off her feet by a Grocery Store Bagger: aisle five--pets and household items, I’m told.

I have to acknowledge my three-year attempt to convince the daughter I should remain the only man in her life resulted in a big swing and a miss. It wasn’t a total loss. I know what it feels like now to be Marquis Grissom trying to hit a baseball.

I’m told everyone involved in this extravaganza, which I guess leaves me out, has selected a lovely reception hall for the Aug. 9 wedding near the ocean in San Diego because it’s more expensive there. The daughter wants wedding pictures of her taken with the Bagger with the water as a backdrop, which means shipping our couch to San Diego because I can’t imagine him ever getting off it.

Now I’ve also seen the guest list for the wedding, and apparently anyone with a Ralphs Club Card is invited. This is not good news for many of you because I’ll have to keep writing Page Two columns until I’m 90 to pay for this thing.

*

SO I was sitting in the Dodger Stadium press box Tuesday night depressed, knowing I’ll still be here in 2043 waiting for the Dodgers to win their first playoff game since 1988, when I ran into Squiggy. Only in L.A., baby. It was three hours before game time and Squiggy, you know, from “Laverne & Shirley” fame, was sitting there staring at the field like he couldn’t believe they canceled his show 19 years ago.

Now some people might also know actor David Lander as Henry the penguin from the CBS cartoon, “Oswald,” which makes Squiggy and Henry immediately recognizable to people over 50 and under 5.

“Oswald is a purple octopus,” said the Bagger, and I guess the penguin is also recognizable to big lugs who can’t get off the couch to change the channel.

I told Squiggy about the daughter and the Bagger because my alternative was to go down to the clubhouse and listen to the millionaires grouse. Without hesitation Squiggy said: “My daughter has a boyfriend too. Pre-law. Some day he’ll be an attorney.”

I never liked that guy on Laverne & Shirley.

*

NOW I know there’s no law against bad actors appearing in the Dodger Stadium press box because Tom Lasorda is here most nights. Remember those Slim-Fast commercials? But I’m a reporter, and I know the players are about to go on strike, so right away I was wondering if the Dodgers had started to assemble a replacement team--jumping on the novel idea of starting a penguin at third base.

Squiggy, however, is only a die-hard fan, who once gave the Portland Beavers $25,000 so they could sign Luis Tiant. He said he also worked two years for the Angels as a scout. The Angels hiring Squiggy as a scout explains a lot.

He has a pass giving him access to any press box in baseball.

“I keep score at every game I go to,” he said. “I’m on my 79th scoring book--25 pages to a book ... I’ll be in Anaheim [tonight] for the Angels’ game.”

I found all that about as fascinating as reruns of “Laverne & Shirley.” I noticed he was limping, though, when I told him to get lost. He explained that was his “drop foot” from his Multiple Sclerosis.

I told him he could take his time while getting lost, because I have a heart, you know, but he took that as an invite to tell me a story.

“I hid the fact I had M.S. for 15 years,” he said. “Early in my acting career they called me in and said I had problem. I thought someone discovered I had M.S., and my career was over. But they told me: ‘We think you’re an alcoholic,’ and I said, ‘Thank God.’ ”

Squiggy speaks 30 times a year to audiences across the country on behalf of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, taking in a game whenever he can, and on occasion listens to sports writers whine about lazy future son-in-laws.

“Did I mention my daughter’s boyfriend is going to be a lawyer?” Squiggy said, which reminded me there’s been no mention yet of a pre-nuptial agreement. I’d like to see something in writing that says I’m going to get my couch back.

*

A WEEK ago some local high school all-stars played in Dodger Stadium, and only one ball was hit into the stands for a home run--coming off the bat of Chad Tracy, Manager Jim Tracy’s 17-year-old son.

“I’ll tell you what’s neat about that,” the manager said. “He used a wood bat for the first time and picked out the same exact model I hit with when I played, and he had no idea that’s the model I used.”

I watched Jim Tracy take batting practice before a game in San Diego earlier this season. Chad, a power hitter, must take after his mother.

*

BILL Thomson, chairman of the tenant search committee for the Rose Bowl, said earlier this week the Rose Bowl would not accept the Raiders--something to do with overcrowded conditions in the local jail, I presume.

*

BOXING PROMOTER Bob Arum hit the Pick Four at Del Mar over the weekend and collected $3,993.20. I’m still waiting to hear from Arum which charity he intends to donate his winnings. I’d suggest M.S. in the Grocery Store Bagger’s name.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jean Holtz, media analyst for Women Watching Sports News:

“I am writing to say how offended I was at [your] article on the Sparks. Let me ask this one thing, Mr. Simers. Please don’t ever write about the Sparks ... again.”

If you insist.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected].