Kids With Jailed Parents Get Special Party

In criminal courtrooms, the victims sit on both sides of the aisle.

On one side, it’s those who were targeted for crime, or in murder cases, just their loved ones left behind.

On the other side sits the defendant’s family. In my years covering criminal courts, it became clear: These folks, many of them children, are victims too.

Which is why there’s one Christmas party I don’t want to miss this year. It’s for the children of men and women in prison or serving time at the Orange County Jail. This year’s annual party, on Saturday, Dec. 16, at the West Coast Hotel in Anaheim, gets a huge boost because Sheriff Mike Carona has volunteered to participate with some of his staff.

“For most of these children, this will be it. This is their Christmas,” said Sandi Burns. She’s program director for the party host, a nonprofit group called Friends Outside, a division of the Society of St. Vincent de Paul’s Center for Community Reconciliation in Santa Ana. Friends Outside tries to help prison inmates adjust to becoming decent citizens once released. The group helps them find work. But mainly it attempts to reunite their families.

That’s not an easy task. Richard Pfeiffer, an attorney and former Friends Outside board member, knows from experience. He’s also an ex-convict.

Pfeiffer was a drug addict in the 1980s, caught committing an armed robbery to support his habit. He received a three-year sentence.

“The hardest part about going to prison was knowing what I was doing to my family,” Pfeiffer said. “My son was 2 1/2, and I can never repay him for what I did to his life.”

Pfeiffer turned out among the more fortunate. His wife, Betty, who had divorced him, took him back after prison. Each went through separate counseling at Friends Outside. Pfeiffer went on to law school and is now a successful attorney.

It’s more difficult for many. For one thing, they never accept that they were responsible for what landed them behind bars. With little prison rehabilitation, they come out pretty much the same.

“In those cases, we really need intense counseling to reach them,” Burns said.

But being irresponsible doesn’t preclude these people from caring about their families. That’s why Friends Outside is fielding more than 500 new inquiries a month from inmates. Last year, it served 32,000 people.

Venting Isn’t Enough

Just imagine defendants heading off to prison and the spouses left behind--mostly women--to care for the children alone, and unemployable because they have no job skills.

“One of the things we have to deal with is the anger this produces,” Burns said.

But Betty Pfeiffer says it’s not enough to stand up in front of others at a counseling session and vent about your wreck of a husband.

“Without effective guidance from the counselors, it doesn’t do any good,” she said. She points out that many of the spouses left behind were victims long before their loved ones got caught in a criminal act.

The children get counseling too. Burns takes on these sessions herself, and says:

“What you learn from them is, they just want to be loved. And they want to feel safe.”

I took a tour of Friends Outside this week and was impressed with how far-reaching its programs are. Staff member Chris Keena, an attorney, spends most of his time fielding requests from inmates about to be released from Orange County Jail. Staff member Scott Mather coordinates conflict management mediation, to try to keep people from ever going to jail. When one neighbor hits another in the nose, Mather helps them to reach an agreement to help the guilty neighbor avoid going to court.

Staff member Pete Reedy tries to find jobs for inmates leaving prison. He has a network of employers, he likes to say, that run from “accounting to zoology.” Actually, his file isn’t that thick. The stigma remains that ex-cons don’t make the best workers. Even so, Reedy knows a job is critical; he’s an ex-con himself.

“When you can put bread on the table, it takes the pressure off getting back with your family,” Reedy said.

But as all of the staff members have told me, Friends Outside isn’t for everybody. Failures come with the territory.

But for one day at least, the Dec. 16 Christmas party, thoughts of prison will be left behind for the children.

Rich Pfeiffer recalls that when he was in prison, his son attended one of the Friends Outside Christmas parties. The boy’s face lit up when told that the present for him was from his father.

Certainly, it’s the crime victims who suffer most, and deserve our thoughts during the holidays. But guilty defendants cause pain all around. Let’s hope they appreciate someone reaching out to be a friend to their children when they let them down.

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Jerry Hicks’ column appears Monday and Thursday. Readers may reach Hicks by calling (714) 966-7789 or e-mail to [email protected].