Northridge Soap Opera Turns Into Game Show

From New York, it’s another night of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Here’s your host, Regis Philbin . . .

Regis: Our first contestant is Clueless Joe, an administrator at Cal State Northridge. What’s your official capacity at the school, Clueless?

Clueless Joe: I’m in charge of fund-raising.

Regis: And this is how you plan to do it?

Joe: This and “Greed” and “Twenty-One” and the California lotto. Nobody is sending us $1 million checks, you know.

Regis: What will you do with the money, if you win?

Clueless Joe: Buy a few bricks for a new on-campus football stadium.

Regis: I see you’ve brought your lovely wife with you. OK, then, let’s play. As you know, this is a special sports edition and it looks like you’re already in luck. Check out the $100 question. The Cal State Northridge mascot is a . . . :

a. Dodo bird

b. Seismograph

c. Trailer

d. Matador

Clueless Joe: I’d like to use a lifeline. Let me call John.

Regis: And John is?

Clueless Joe: He’s the school’s public relations guy in charge of useless information.

(The call is made and John tells Joe to choose c., but Joe goes with d.)

Regis: All right, you’re going for $200. The acronym NCAA stands for . . . :

a. Northridge Can’t Afford Anything

b. Northridge Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous

c. National Council of Anorexic Actresses

d. National Collegiate Athletic Assn.

Clueless Joe: Hmm. I gotta use another lifeline. Let’s poll the studio audience.

(99.9% of the audience picks d. Clueless Joe’s wife votes for c. but he goes with the audience.)

Regis: Still alive, but you’re running short on lifelines. Here’s the $300 question. Northridge officials call their football field . . .

a. Embarrassing

b. Sorry

c. Rubbish

d. North Campus Stadium

Clueless Joe: The answer is really a, b or c, but I’m going with d. Final answer.

Regis: Way to go. Now for $500. March Madness refers to . . .

a. What afflicted Fredric March

b. What afflicts every Clippers coach

c. Chicago Cub fans hallucinating in spring training about World Series chances

d. College basketball playoffs

Clueless Joe: Dang, I hate to waste my last lifeline, but this one’s a toughie. Give me 50-50, please.

Regis: Computer, please take away two wrong answers, leaving one wrong answer and the correct answer.

(The computer leaves answers a. and d.)

Clueless: I was afraid of that. But I’m a gambling guy, so I’m going with d. That’s final, my man.

Regis: Don’t know how you’re doing it, but that’s right. Getting into some serious cash now. For $1,000, football coaches Greg Wall and Keith Borges have filed a $6 million suit against . . .

a. The tobacco industry

b. The LAPD

c. The NFL

d. Cal State Northridge

Clueless: That’s definitely d., which is another reason I need to win the school some cash.

Regis: Ab-so-lute-ly right. The $1,000 is yours to keep; you can’t lose that. Here’s the $2,000 question: “Only in America” is the signature phrase of . . .

a. Don Corleone

b. Don Juan

c. Don Sutton

d. Don King

Clueless: Probably c. Only in America can a mediocre pitcher with hair like a mop make the Hall of Fame. That’s my final, final, final answer.

Regis: Wrong, wrong, wrong. The correct answer is d. But you take a grand with you. Hey, good luck with that stadium.

Clueless: Kiss off. By the way, I’ve always liked Maury Povich better.