Conspiring With Comedian Richard Belzer

Who’s afraid of Richard Belzer?

The White House Correspondents Assn., for one. The group invited Belzer to speak at its annual dinner a couple of years ago and then thought better of it.

“I found that very amusing,” Belzer is saying over cappellini at the Four Seasons Hotel, “because soon thereafter we found out about Monica and all the coarse, vile things the president was actually doing, and they were afraid of me. It’s so ironic. I’m a comedian who’s interested in history. What am I going to do?”

Write a funny-serious book about the two greatest hits in conspiracy theorydom, perhaps? In fact, Belzer, who plays crusty Det. John Munch on TV’s “Homicide” series, has just come out with a new book of musings, “UFOs, JFK and Elvis: Conspiracies You Don’t Have to Be Crazy to Believe” (Ballantine).

Just for the record, you do have to be crazy to believe that Elvis is alive. As for the other two conspiracy theories of the title, Belzer calls them his “twin obsessions.”

“When I talk about the subject, people say, ‘Oh, you’re crazy. You’re making this up.’ That’s why there’s a bibliography in the book. There are things in the public domain that are true, that aren’t generally known, that are disturbing and funny and shocking. And I thought I’d finally put it in a book instead of driving my friends crazy.”

Hey, there’s always the plus side to believing in conspiracies. Wouldn’t it be cool if UFOs really were being covered up and E.T. was real?

“He would be sweet. I wouldn’t mind if he came around.”

But then think about the merchandising headache.

“It would fade soon. In 1960, the government commissioned the Brookings Institute to see what would happen if it was known that there was extraterrestrial life. And they said it would be the end of civilization as we know it. Chaos would reign, and every fanatic would come out of the woodwork.

“I think that’s a very patronizing view of our country. Maybe that would have happened in the ‘40s and ‘50s when people were more naive, but I think in 1999 people can handle anything. If an alien made itself known, it would be a headline for three or four weeks, then it would be folded into our culture, and there would be the Alien Channel, and we’d all get used to it.”

By the way, Belzer’s detective character on “Homicide” is also fascinated by conspiracy theories.

Coincidence? Or is it just us?

Fortunately for Belzer’s car insurance rates, Det. Munch is about to be reassigned to the popular series “Law and Order” now that “Homicide” is about to be DOA. Belzer writes that ever since he started playing a cop on TV, he can’t get arrested.

“I thought I’d never say that, but it is true,” Belzer says. “I’ve been stopped and they recognized me and they waved me on or asked for my autograph. I mean, I haven’t murdered anybody. It happened when I went through a stop sign, or maybe ran a red light, gone a little fast.”

Men in blue may like Belzer, but then Belzer likes them back. Every year, he co-hosts an awards ceremony sponsored by the National Assn. of Police Organizations celebrating the country’s top cops. So he ended up meeting the president after all, when the White House honored the award winners in the Rose Garden in the fall.

“I’m not a big fan of Clinton, and I could never understand when people say he’s charismatic and he’s sexy. And then I met him, and he is charismatic. I was going to say to him, ‘Who killed JFK?’ Instead, I ended up saying, ‘Great speech, Mr. President.’ I couldn’t believe the force of his personality.

“And then after I left his presence, I didn’t like him anymore again. My wife makes fun of me to this day. She says, ‘You had your moment. You could have asked the question.’ ”

Coincidence?

Irene Lacher’s Out & About column column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays on Page 2. She can be reached by e-mail at [email protected]