They Could Use a Little More Rhapsody in Aqua

Howard Schnellenberger, the Miami Dolphins’ offensive coordinator under Don Shula during their unbeaten 1972 season, said current Coach Jimmy Johnson is misusing quarterback Dan Marino in an offense that emphasizes running over passing.

“They’ve got a concert pianist sitting at the keyboard wearing handcuffs,” Schnellenberger told the Boston Globe, “and the only thing he can play is ‘Chopsticks.’ ”

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Trivia time: On this date 10 years ago, Kirk Gibson of the Dodgers was named the National League’s most valuable player, outpolling a number of players who had superior statistics. Who was runner-up in the voting?

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Positive attitude: Andy Landers, women’s basketball coach at Georgia, told the Atlanta Journal and Constitution: “We’re gonna be good. We’re gonna be goooooood. All we’ve got to do is stay healthy, and we’re gonna be pretty doggone good.”

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Dissenting view: When quarterback Elvis Grbac of the Kansas City Chiefs was named sexiest athlete by People magazine, Sports Illustrated quoted a teammate as asking: “Was that the Braille edition?”

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Food for thought: Fox TV analyst Howie Long, criticizing the Philadelphia Eagles for not spending more on free agents: “They’ve made the choice to be part of the NFL. . . . If they don’t like the prices on the menu, don’t go to the restaurant.”

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Good news, bad news: The future looks bright for the Washington Redskins, but not for Coach Norv Turner, according to the “Caught on the Fly” column in the Sporting News: “If ’98 records fall right (and, remember, there’s only one W in Washington), the Deadskins could end up with the No. 2 and 3 overall picks in the draft. Visions dancin’ in D.C. heads: The Browns take Tim Couch No. 1, leavin’ RB Ricky Williams and QB Daunte Culpepper hummin’ ‘Hail to the Redskins.’ Hey, Norv, thanks for the goin’-away present.”

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Hip check: Former New York Jet coach Weeb Ewbank, 91, doesn’t get around as well as he used to, thanks to a hip injury he suffered 30 years ago in the aftermath of the Jets’ AFL championship victory over the Oakland Raiders.

His players were carrying him off the field at Shea Stadium while a fan tugged on his right leg. A caption in the New York Times the next day said he was shedding tears of joy.

“Like hell,” Ewbank told Newsday recently after examining the photograph. “They were tears of pain.”

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Trivia answer: Darryl Strawberry of the New York Mets, who hit .269 with a league-leading 39 home runs and 101 runs batted in. Gibson hit .290 with 25 homers and 76 RBIs.

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And finally: Ron Borges of the Boston Globe, announcing that he erred in reporting that quarterback Tony Banks of the St. Louis Rams had scored an 8--an exceptionally low score--on the intelligence test given by NFL teams to college players:

“I wrote jokingly at the time that my daughter’s parakeet would score higher than an 8 pecking the test page. While true, that would not outscore Banks. Apparently, it would outscore me, however.”