PUNCH LINES

Weird Index: “Two 69-year-old women were nabbed at the Mexican border near Tucson with 400 pounds of marijuana in their trunk,” says Bob Mills. “They were immediately questioned by special agents from the FBI, the DEA and the AARP.”

* “Police found them cooperative, friendly and free of glaucoma.” (Mike Hull)

Britain’s Liverpool University is offering a business administration degree in soccer. Students will study the marketing, management and economic aspects of the game. “Lesson 1: Play soccer, get drunk, riot, repeat.” (Mark Wheeler)

A DEA raid on a Miami warehouse netted popcorn poppers stuffed with $2 million in small bills, apparently street drug proceeds on the way to Colombia. “I guess from now on, be suspicious of any guy who looks like Orville Redenbacher wearing a pager and driving a Ferrari.” (Wheeler)

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Hollywood Moments: Marcia Clark is facing a lawsuit from an L.A. citizen who says the crime scene photos in her book are city property. Argus Hamilton points out, “This is L.A. You can’t print crime scene photos in this town until they’ve been airbrushed.”

Disney pulled the Insane Clown Posse’s new CD from stores six hours after its release, citing vulgar language. “Disney is still trying to figure out how the obscene language got on the CD after it was in stores,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

* “Disney had heard they were a hip-hop group, and thought the CD had something to do with Br’er Rabbit.” (Jerry Perisho)

L.A. has toughened its panhandling laws. “Beggars can no longer aggressively ask you for money,” says the Daily Scoop. “But they can still ask you to read their scripts.”

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Cyber porn: The Supreme Court declared restricting obscenity on the Internet is unconstitutional. “Good,” says the Daily Scoop. “Now Kenneth Starr can go ahead with his Babes of Bill Web site.”

* “Now that porn is legal, it’s got its own site. https://XXX.com.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

* “Donna Rice Hughes led the charge for decency on the Internet,” says Hamilton. “Just think, if she hadn’t gotten Gary Hart in so much trouble, we could have ended up with a womanizer in the White House.”

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Moose Country: “After decades without it, Alaska is finally getting the TV Guide magazine delivered,” says Perisho. “Alaskans were always mystified by their televisions. It turns out they’ve been watching their fish tanks.”

Reader Nora Bean took her 6-year-old daughter, Ashley, to a fast-food restaurant and gave her a quarter when she cleaned off the table for them. She immediately wanted to spend it on candy, and Bean told her she should save it for a rainy day.

“I would rather spend it on a sunny day,” Ashley replied.