No-Name Giants Not the Answer

The San Francisco Giants came to town Tuesday night, with their lineup of Barry Bonds and eight other guys wearing caps.

I didn’t recognize any of them. I think the real Giants got kidnapped by Robert De Niro, and these were eight dudes San Francisco found at the last minute, who bought their jerseys at Foot Locker.

These were not your father’s San Francisco Giants. The old Giants, they would come to town with men named Willie and one called the “Baby Bull,” and they would beat on you like Desi Arnaz on a bongo.

But these guys, they couldn’t be Giants. They were more like the Little Giants.

There was a first baseman named Desi Wilson, who brings my personal total of guys named Desi to three. I have never heard of a Desi in baseball. A Dizzy, yes, but never a Desi.

There was a shortstop named Wilson Delgado, who wore only the number 60 on his back. No WILSON, no DELGADO, nothing. Just a blank shirt with a right guard’s number. His glove might say “Wilson,” but only if he bought it that way.

There was a third baseman named Kim Batiste, who, unless I am thinking of somebody else, was Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit cover model.

In center field was Marvin Benard, at second base was Bill Mueller and on the mound was Allen Watson, and when next year’s All-Star ballots come out, I am confident that each of these outstanding individuals will be eligible. To vote.

I was vaguely familiar only with Rick Wilkins, who is an excellent catcher, and Glenallen Hill, who is an excellent wine.

Excuse me for giving Barry Bonds advice, but if I were him, I would ask the Giants to suit up their manager and his father.

Matter of fact, they could suit up Manager Dusty Baker, Coach Bobby Bonds, Coach Jim Davenport, Coach Bob Lillis, Special Assistant to the President Willie Mays, Community Representative Orlando Cepeda, Community Representative Vida Blue, left fielder Barry Bonds and Sen. Dianne Feinstein, and they would field a better team than the one they’re using now.

To beat the Dodgers, which is a treat San Francisco puts right up there with Rice-a-Roni, and put a crimp in L.A.’s playoff plans, the Little Giants will have to play a whole lot better than they did in Tuesday’s 6-2 flop.

The Dodger strategy--which is: (1) Don’t throw the ball within 61 feet of Bonds, but (2) throw it over the plate to everyone else--worked like a charm, holding the Giants to two hits. Ramon Martinez would have thrown a no-hitter, but he didn’t want Hideo Nomo wearing a T-shirt saying: “Big Deal. Mine Was in Colorado.”

Yes, it was another long night for these frisky Frisco kids, who have gone out and won 12 more games than the Detroit Tigers.

The only fun the Little Giants had came when Bonds walked, stole second, stole third, then probably thought about stealing home, then first, then second, then third again, stealing bases being the only fun Barry’s having.

Bonds is eager to be a 40-40 man. That means either 40 homers plus 40 stolen bases, or 40 homers plus 40 million dollars, I forget. Jose Canseco was once a 40-40 man, but that was way back when people cared what Jose Canseco did.

There was one nutty moment when the Dodgers didn’t want to pitch to Bonds, even with runners on first and second base.

The score was 3-2, mainly because Dodger shortstop Greg Gagne offermanned a grounder, zigging while the ball was zagging.

Martinez actually threw Bonds a strike. At this point, I believe Mike Piazza went to the mound and said something like: “Ramon, you threw Bonds a strike!” Ramon did not make this mistake again.

Bonds flipped his bat, a useless piece of equipment in this week’s Barry Base on Balls Bonanza, and trotted to first base, where he watched Glenallen Hill fly out to kill the rally.

Bill Russell, the Dodger manager, said he knew the Giants were using “a bunch of young guys who want to show management” what they’re capable of, so he took nothing for granted.

“One minute it’s a no-hitter, next minute the score’s 3-2,” Russell said, “and everyone’s hands get watery.”

But the Dodgers won anyway, and they can’t wait to get back out there and not pitch to Barry Bonds tonight.