Where’s the Beef? The High Court Renders Its Decision

Washington, D.C.

Nov. 12, 1998.

The nine U.S. Supreme Court justices sat expectantly as the lawyers before them fidgeted with their yellow legal pads. The justices had seen nervous lawyers before, but this day promised to be different. Maybe it was the 1,200-pound Hereford standing beside the plaintiff’s attorney, swishing her tail and chewing her cud.

“Mr. Bruce Anderson vs. the Orange County Transportation Authority,” the clerk intoned.

The case had generated considerable controversy in the 2 1/2 years since it hit the news. Anderson, a vegetarian bus driver, was fired after defying company orders to hand out coupons entitling passengers to free hamburgers at Carl’s Jr.

He then sued, claiming the company had violated his free-speech rights. Since his firing, he had worked as a night watchman at a local Humane Society. Meanwhile, every day for the last 2 1/2 years, a parade of goats, cows and pigs had been herded past bus company headquarters as part of a national protest campaign orchestrated by the organization known as Meatless America. Such was the group’s clout that it persuaded the court to allow the Hereford to attend oral arguments. It was the first time a common farm animal had been inside the august chambers.

“Honorable justices,” the company’s attorney said, “this is a simple issue. The company determined it wanted to enter into the arrangement with Carl’s Jr., and the only way it could effect that arrangement was for its drivers to distribute the coupons. By merely handing out the coupons, Mr. Anderson was not asked to violate any personal beliefs. Nor was this an unreasonable request by an employer. Indeed, what could be more mainstream to American values than a big, juicy, medium-rare hamburger?”

The giant Hereford shifted her weight.

Justice Antonin Scalia: “What if Mr. Anderson were a devout Hindu? Would you still expect him to participate?”

Attorney: “We would probably make an exception on religious grounds.”

Justice Sandra Day O’Connor: “Was Mr. Anderson free to express his vegetarian views to passengers?”

Attorney: “It would have been counterproductive to our promotion, but we probably couldn’t have stopped him.” The cow swished her tail.

Eventually, Mr. Anderson’s attorney spoke. He was Meatless America’s longtime counsel, known for his impassioned advocacy, loose-fitting suits and cholesterol count of 47. “This is a classic case of overkill. What seemed like a harmless promotion intruded on a deeply held belief system of Mr. Anderson. Should he be punished because he doesn’t want to assist, in any way, in the destruction of fine specimens such as the one you see here today?”

With an open palm, he slapped the cow’s hindquarters, creating such a loud retort that it awakened Justice Clarence Thomas.

“Furthermore, Mr. Anderson had no reasonable expectation that when he became a bus driver he would be forced to compromise his principles. This restaurant promotion is not related to his job as a driver. As such, it cannot possibly be used as grounds for his dismissal.”

Scalia: “I’m trying to understand the free-speech issue. What if the company were giving out coupons to an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie and Mr. Anderson philosophically opposed depicting killing on-screen? Would handing out movie coupons abridge his rights?”

Attorney: “Possibly, but I would argue that the killing of animals for human consumption represents a different set of values than objecting to a motion picture. . . . By the way, is that a leather watchband you’re wearing?”

Scalia: “It’s snakeskin. Surely you don’t protect those slimy things too?”

“With all due respect,” the attorney said, “that’s easy for you to say because you were born human and not a snake or cow. What gives you the right to take another living creature to the slaughterhouse when other food choices abound?”

“That’s why I’ve brought Matilda with me today,” he said, nodding toward the cow. “Matilda was grand prize winner at the Jasper County, Ill., 4-H competition. Beat out Sir Loins-a-Lot for the blue ribbon. And you know what she wins? Top billing on the menus at the local steakhouse. That’s her legacy--the rib-eye for $12.95.”

The justices eyed the cow, and she them.

Chief Justice William Rehnquist cleared his throat and wiped something from his eye. “None of us has ruled from the bench in quite some time,” he said, “but I believe I can do so today. Mr. Anderson should not have been forced to hand out the coupons. His participation was in no way critical to the success or failure of the promotion. Common sense at the time should have prevailed, warranting an exemption for him. He’s entitled to all back pay and accrued benefits.”

“And as for you, Matilda,” the chief justice said, “well, good luck.”

* Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.