Punch Lines

After voters rejected two of three propositions to limit lawsuits, says Alex Kaseberg, “Thousands of litigants celebrated at McDonald’s by pouring hot coffee into their laps.”

L.A. Dist. Atty. Gil Garcetti faces a runoff against Deputy Dist. Atty. John Lynch. Says Tony Peyser, “Fearing his opponent’s last name could sway voters, Garcetti is changing his own name to Gil String ‘em Up.”

* Adds Brad Halpern, “Garcetti would have gotten more votes, but O.J. and his defense team were out of town.”

The California primary clarified the meaning of Pat Buchanan’s militant motto, “Lock and Load,” says Jenny Church. “Bob Dole’s a lock, and Buchanan’s a load.”

President Clinton will throw out the first ball at a major league game. Says Jerry Perisho, “He throws a pitch he calls his ‘foreign policy ball.’ It wavers and wobbles in every direction and no one can tell where it’s going.”

* Adds Alan Ray, “The president’s form shows that he spends a lot of time over the plate. At McDonald’s, at Burger King, at Wendy’s. . . .”

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In the news: A passenger fell off a cruise ship and had to swim four miles to shore. Says Gary Easley, “Hey, anything to avoid being pulled into the lambada contest with all those grandmotherly passengers on the ‘Find Love Again’ vacation package.”

They’ve opened the floodgates to send torrents of water through the Grand Canyon. Says Kaseberg, “The other option was to invite Rep. Enid Waldholtz to give a press conference there.”

The U.S. Supreme Court will rule on an “English-only” law:

* “Now, what would a bunch of lawyers know about speaking plain English?” (Steve Tatham)

* “Opponents claim such legislation is secretly sponsored by people who flunked high school Spanish.” (Johnny Robish)

Cable TV is adding a 24-hour health channel. Says Ray, “Doctors will address routine medical problems without giving specific treatment or advice. It’s designed after the typical HMO.”

NASA astronaut Shannon Lucid brushed off suggestions by her Russian hosts on Mir that women are born to clear. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Just to make sure they got it, she gave those cosmonauts a Cosmo.”

Among lines Perisho swears he overheard at an Oscars party:

* “Hey, stop hoggin’ the fried pork skins.”

* “Hugh Grant? He’s out in the car with a friend.”

* “I buff these patent-leather shoes to a mirror finish and Mel Gibson doesn’t even wear the damn skirt.”

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Readers Lawrence and Judith Buschnell of Lake Forest say their daughter took her son Benjamin, 5, along to the supermarket recently. In the checkout line with them was a very heavy man whose cart was piled high with Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisine and other diet items. Ben looked at the foods, looked at the man and loudly announced:

“Looks like they don’t work.”