Punch Lines

In the news: Some new kinds of government bonds are being issued, says Gary Moore. “There’s the Newt Gingrich bond, which has no maturity. And the Bob Dole bond, which doesn’t generate any interest. And the Bill Clinton bond, which has no principle.”

Record-setting horse trainer Frank Passaro and his groom have been charged with rubbing hot pepper on the sex organs of their horses to make them run faster. Says Jay Leno, “This could be the trick that saves the Dole campaign.”

Latino voters in Southern California are eagerly awaiting Pat Buchanan’s arrival this week. Says Argus Hamilton, “Not the least bit intimidated, Buchanan is ready to take a stand. He’s even renting his car at Alamo.”

There’s a reason elections officials in California see little effect from the “motor voter” law, says Jenny Church: “Everyone is stuck in traffic.”

Admissions favoritism is rampant at the University of California. Tony Peyser says he got help writing this joke from three regents.

A new study says coffee drinkers are more likely to get hypertension. Another study says hypertension is caused by racism. Says Hamilton, “Either way, Denny’s is no place to drop a dish on the floor.”

Research shows that car-phone users are one-third more likely to get into an accident:

* “Especially if they don’t screen their traffic.” (Steve Tatham)

* “The study excluded Los Angeles freeways. It only surveyed roads where the traffic was actually moving.” (Gary Easley)

The FAA will soon allow commercial pilots to choose their own routes:

* “Pilots are elated. They’ll now have the same freedom that baggage handlers have with the luggage.” (Alan Ray)

* “In a similar move, flight attendants will get greater leeway in choosing to hand out regular, dry or honey-roasted peanuts instead of a decent meal.” (Bob Mills)

Video stores are starting to rent O.J. Simpson’s video. Says Charlie Reinke, “The only problem is deciding whether to file it under fiction or comedy.”

* Adds Paul Ecker, “You can now rent O.J.’s story, even if you still aren’t buying it.”

The pope is getting over a bad cold, always a stressful situation for his Vatican subordinates. Says Ray, “When His Holiness sneezes, what do you say?”

Scientists are working feverishly to combat a parasite known as the “superpest,” which is threatening the Florida citrus crop. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Rush Limbaugh is still upset over being dumped as spokesman?”

* Adds Mills, “Next, they’ll try to find a way to control Kathie Lee Gifford.”

*

Reader Florence Weinberger of Encino went to visit granddaughter Sadie, 3, in her new home in Nevada City. Sadie proudly took her upstairs to see her bedroom, and into her window-lit walk-in closet. Looking around, Grandma said, “This is a mess!” Sadie paused only a moment before explaining:

“Things aren’t always what they seem.”