LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Ethics Committee’s investigation of Sen. Bob Packwood: “He has a great lawyer who may be able to get all the charges reduced to impersonating a Kennedy.”

Jay Leno, on presidential candidate Sen. Phil Gramm’s $7,500 investment in a soft-core porno movie: “He said he didn’t know the money went to an X-rated movie. He said he never even saw a script. A script? Phil, it’s a porno film. They don’t have scripts.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a conservative coalition criticizing Time-Warner for promoting “bad” rap music: “A Time spokesman said the company would like to promote ‘good’ rap--but it doesn’t exist.”

Comic Jenny Church, on some out-of-town police officers pulling fire alarms, mooning guests and sliding naked down the escalator at a Washington hotel: “Though naked, some of the cops still tried to hide behind their badges.”

Church, on completion of the face lift for the HOLLYWOOD sign: “Now it wants to hang out with younger billboards.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the President’s reelection campaign: “Surveys show that in most precincts, he does well with women. And his voting stats aren’t bad either.”

Cutler Comedy Rock Network, on the Pennsylvania transsexual who lost her primary bid for county commissioner: “She turned male voters off when she spoke of the need for ‘painful, but necessary cuts.’ ”

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Hail to the Halos: “No one understands Disney’s logic in buying 25% of the California Angels. After all, how many Mickey Mouse outfits does it need?” (Hamilton)

* “Disney will replace the Angels’ top brass with people who know more about running a professional organization--Goofy and Dumbo.” (Paul Ecker)

* “What great timing. The Angels’ series with the Cleveland Indians will coincide with the opening of ‘Pocahontas.’ ” (Bob Mills)

* “Now, when baseball historians talk about Mickey and Minnie, they won’t necessarily mean Mantle and Minoso.” (Jerry Perisho)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Judge Lance Ito banished two reporters from the courtroom for whispering. One was from USA Today, and she claims that she was only asking for a colored pen to help her draw a pie chart.” (Cutler)

* “You can tell that things are going bad for O.J. His lawyers are giving him a new defense strategy: Never shower with the other lifers. “ (Ray)

* “Defense lawyer Barry Scheck stunned the court Friday when he tried to introduce into evidence some smoke and mirrors.” (Tony Peyser)

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Cypress reader Mary Owens’ evening meal prayer featured the usual words: “Thank you, God, for this food and bless the ones that prepared it.” One night, daughter Lizzy, 3, asked to give the blessing:

“Thank you, God, for this food, and bless the ones that repaired it.”