LAUGH LINES : Jokes

The Simpson: O.J.’s lawyers deny reports that there will be a change in responsibilities among them. We’re not so sure:

* “Bob Shapiro couldn’t be reached for comment. He was out getting Johnnie Cochran a pizza and picking up F. Lee Bailey’s laundry.” (Tony Peyser)

* “They have changed it around. Now Cochran will hold O.J. upside down by the ankles and Shapiro will pick up the loose change.” (Jay Leno)

* “Shapiro found out about the move when he went to visit O.J. in jail, and O.J.’s receptionist said O.J. was in a meeting.” (Leno)

* “Along with the shuffling, look for a different trial strategy: smaller packs and less circling with fewer fins breaking the waterline.” (Bob Mills)

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In the news: Peyser, quoting former Vice President Dan Quayle on his appendectomy: “It’s no biggie. They’ll just take my appendix out and maybe even remove my glossary.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Russian army taking a month, yet gaining little ground in Chechnya: “The Russians still haven’t gotten the hang of capitalism. This is what happens when you pay soldiers by the hour.”

Mills, on the President’s duck hunting trip in Arkansas: “While the others in his group killed their ducks, Clinton managed only to lame his.”

Adds Leno: “Clinton can’t get a break. He used one of those duck mating calls and now three female ducks are suing him for sexual harassment.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan on the federal government considering forming a government-owned corporation to run the air traffic control system: “You get the best of both worlds--the inefficiency of bureaucracy and the crookedness of private enterprise. . . . Now you’ve really got something--an organization that bribes itself.”

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Entertainment news: A new poll says the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are losing popularity. Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness says the Rangers are planning their futures by continuing martial arts training and learning how to properly say, “Can I take your order, please?” and “Do you want fries with that?”

Comedy writer Larry Swerdlow, on a new ABC series: “A New York crime fighter works part time in a kosher deli. It’ll be called ‘The Knish.’ ”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the British critics’ poll that declared Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” the greatest song of all time: “Bob Dylan’s ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ was second. The writer of ‘Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?’ could not be reached for comment.”

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Reader Nancy Kreile of Arcadia says that her sister was tucking son Christopher, 5, into bed recently when the boy refused her good-night kiss. He also told her not to call him “honey” or “sweetheart” anymore, and offered this instruction:

“From now on, just call me ‘dude. ‘ “

* Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.