LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Reader Dave Dobrin of Westchester, on the faulty Intel computer: “What’s another name for the ‘Intel Inside’ sticker they put on Pentiums? The warning label. Why didn’t Intel call the Pentium the 586? Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605 .”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Boris Yeltsin sending 20,000 troops to the tiny republic of Chechnya: “Observers say he made the move to boost sagging approval ratings. Besides, Haiti was already taken.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Chile joining Canada, Mexico and the U.S. in NAFTA: “Canada’s prime minister welcomed Chile to ‘The Three Amigos’. We’re in some kind of trouble when we start naming our trade agreements after bad slapstick movies.”

The movie “Disclosure” has raised the usual statements that men fear women with power. “Not true,” says comedy writer Gary Easley. “Since Lorena Bobbitt, men fear women with power tools.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the arrest of 20 Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang members on disorderly conduct charges at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport: “Hell’s Angels disorderly? Isn’t that their job?”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the L.A. cable TV repairman charged with faking his own kidnaping: “Police became suspicious when they had to wait at home with the ransom from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.”

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Catching up, Part I: Things are so bad in Orange County that . . .

* “Mickey Mouse had to take a job as a laboratory rat.” (Bill Maher/Comedy Central)

* “The stadium formerly known as the Big A will now just be known as a .” (Keith Scheuer)

* “Teens have been notified that high schools will no longer valet park.” (Bob Mills)

* “The board of supervisors has severed ties with Merrill Lynch, promising taxpayers that there would be no more bull in their portfolio.” (Alan Pearlstein)

* “When the I-5 freeway enters Orange County, it becomes the I-4.” (Mel Melcon)

* “Democrats have a plan. They want to round up all the Republicans who can no longer afford to live there and put them in orphanages.” (Jay Leno)

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Part II: “In firing the surgeon general, President Clinton made it clear that young people shouldn’t always listen to their Elders.” (Tony Peyser)

* “I guess we now know why Jocelyn Elders wears glasses.” (Leno)

* “Think of the health hazards. If it didn’t make our kids blind, it would certainly lead to carnal tunnel syndrome.” (Bruce Bellingham)

* “Actually, she’s got a new program . . . Hands Across America.” (Leno)

* “Rather than have the government teach it, have the government tax it. We would solve the deficit like that.” (Leno)

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Reader Vince Polito of L.A. asked daughter Jennifer, 6, if she knew what gifts the wise men gave Jesus at the manger. She thought a bit, then replied:

“Gold, Frankenstein . . . and something else!”