When Baby Makes Two : Families: When Shoshana Alexander sought out books to guide her through single parenthood, she found almost none. So she wrote her own.

Shoshana Alexander has temporarily sworn off adult entanglements--so when she refers to her one true love these days, she means her son, Elias, 5.

She says she was 42, pregnant and about to be married when her fiance left her.

“I was terrified,” said Alexander, a free-lance writer and editor. “Not so much about how my baby and I would physically survive, which was a big enough problem. But more important, I worried how I could function as both mother and father and still have a good relationship with my child.”

She said she had always assumed there were special reference books for single parents that show how to avoid the pitfalls unique to this group. But when she went to bookstores, there were almost none.

When she asked child-care experts for information on single parenting, she found that most believe that the basic rules of parenting apply in households with one parent or two.

“I knew that couldn’t be true,” she said in a recent interview. “From watching my friends, I knew there were issues of discipline and dependency that arise in a single-parent family that are totally different.”

So Alexander decided to write a book. “In Praise of Single Parents” (Houghton Mifflin), published last month, is based on her story and those of hundreds of other single parents she interviewed.

“Alexander’s book is our No. 1 reading choice this year because it shatters myths, shows what to expect, and for the first time makes single parents feel part of a group,” said Andrea Engber, director of the National Organization of Single Mothers and editor of Working Mother magazine.

Alexander, who lives in Oakland with her son, admits her own problems and disappointments, which she said mirror those of most single parents she interviewed for the book. For example, Alexander had always hoped and planned to share her life (and her child) with another adult. In other words, “to marry and live happily ever after.”

But now, Alexander said, she and her son have become a kind of couple on their own.

“We are the primary relationship in each other’s lives. Elias is my assistant at the market, my companion on weekend outings. He gets my last kiss at night and my first one every day.”

Her love is “unquestioned and all-encompassing,” she said. At first she had a tendency to get so lost in it that she obliterated herself. She was willing to forgo her own needs to concentrate on his, but found that this was not good for either of them.

One of the major differences between one- and two-parent families, she said, is: “In two-parent families, children are not considered lesser than, but they are certainly considered ‘other than’ adults. The kids hang with their peers, and adults hang with theirs. And it is adults who take responsibility for decisions, even when children participate.

“For single parents, however, the child and parent tend to become psychic partners in a link of implied equality. We get used to relating to our children as friends and engaging them in our decisions. That means we put them in the untenable position of having to grant us permission to take authority. ‘No, you cannot have a hamster, OK?’ ”

All this can lead to too much responsibility for the child, Alexander said, and it can be played out in many different ways. “If there is no one else around to make Mommy or Daddy happy, the child often perceives it is his job. He may feel he caused the sadness himself. Sweet as it is to be comforted by your adoring offspring, it will come back to haunt you when the child grows up angry that you allowed such a thing. You were supposed to take care of him. “

Her book catalogues the various difficulties to which only single parents can relate.

Millions would recognize this scene: The usually sweet, well-behaved offspring who turns into a barbaric, howling monster when Mom (or Dad) finally has a date. The date sits in the living room while the child clings to the parent, hysterically begging her not to go out. The date secretly believes that the parent abuses the child by leaving him alone too much and never calls again. The parent is too worn out to care. The child has won.

Too much equality between single parent and child, Alexander explained, can lead to a feeling of power that is inappropriate for someone who cannot yet read and write. What’s more, she said, it can prevent children from understanding their importance as individuals in relation to a world full of others.

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Alexander said almost every parent she interviewed could pinpoint a particular incident or situation that turned the tide, made them decide to surmount their own shock or depression and start a celebratory life alone with their kids.

Even so, guilt usually sets in.

Guilt at leaving your child in day care too long while you work, at losing your temper too much because you’re so tired, at being the only parent in the home, at not getting chores done, not playing with the kids enough, not running the kind of household they see on TV. Guilt that leads you to give in to your child’s demands when you know you shouldn’t.

But Alexander said that in spite of all this, research shows that single-parent families are inherently no worse for kids than families with two parents at the helm.

In fact, one recent study indicates that children of single parents tend to be more mature, independent, imaginative, self-disciplined and self-assured than their counterparts in two-parent families, she said.

And guilt, Alexander writes, can be a valuable motivator for positive change. By understanding and evaluating it, a parent can sometimes set wrong patterns right.

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In her own case, she recalled, she awoke one night to see if her son was breathing, as most doting new parents do. Then she caught herself thinking, “If he’s not (alive), at least I’ll get some sleep.” At that moment, she knew she couldn’t continue living the way she was: Alone and up half the night, at work all day, always worried about money, never an afternoon or weekend to herself or even an hour to take a relaxing bath.

She moved to a communal house where couples, singles and a few single parents lived with their kids. She said she learned to ask housemates to care for her baby while she bathed and to accept their offers of help at other times. Able to breathe deeply once again, she realized that she wasn’t stressed out anymore, that there were options and possibilities to take advantage of. She could enjoy her child and begin to nurture herself.

“Who will nurture the nurturer” she writes, “is one of the most basic and baffling quandaries of single parenthood. If we don’t respond to our own needs in appropriate ways, we are likely to try to fulfill them through our children. If we don’t dream our own dreams, our children may not be free to dream theirs.”

Some overworked single parents, Alexander found, need to learn to do less-- perhaps allow themselves time to sleep all day, to get no chores done or to do something seemingly frivolous.

For many, that would be an attempt to find a mate. A romantic, adult relationship to fill the one remaining gap in life. For this, Alexander has no prescription. She has changed “from a single person who happens to be a parent into a parent who happens to be single.”

Like it has for most in her position, she said, dating has become a joke. “Even if you meet someone interesting, you haven’t the energy to devote to them. And the better you get as a single parent, the less desirable you become. If you are autonomous and efficient, the person coming into your life feels unnecessary to it. Most important, with each new romance, the heart of your child is at risk.”

On the flip side, Alexander knows, is her son’s need for a dad. When a photographer recently came to take their pictures for the book jacket, Elias adored the man. They played and sang throughout the photo session. As the photographer left, Elias whispered to his mother: ‘Maybe he could be my father.’ ”

It is a dilemma of the heart for which Alexander said she has no answer.