And They All Lived Happily Ever After . . . : Three sets of O.C. spouses share their secrets after participating recently in the California Perfect Couple competition in Sacramento.

“The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happy married life.” --from Oscar Wilde’s 1892 play, “Lady Windermere’s Fan”

It’s hard to listen to the “ordinary” people who tell all on television talk shows without getting cynical about the institution of marriage.

The shows feed on stories of deception, betrayal, mental and physical cruelty and aberrant sexual behavior, giving viewers the impression that getting married is the surest way to set themselves up for a lifetime of misery.

Sylviane Sydney Kitchen of Galveston, Tex., was so tired of hearing people complain to Donahue and Geraldo about their spouses’ transgressions that she turned to her husband about six months ago and asked with great exasperation, “Are we the only happy couple in this country?”

Kitchen, a native of France who married an American 19 years ago, decided to find out. She created a nationwide competition that will culminate in October with the crowning of “America’s Perfect Couple” during a pageant in Houston.

As soon as she began seeking contestants, Kitchen discovered that there are plenty of satisfied couples out there who have nothing disparaging to say about their mates. Among them are three from Orange County who joined nine other well-matched pairs at the California Perfect Couple competition in Sacramento recently.

Kitchen said during a phone interview that after an article about the Perfect Couple competition appeared in USA Today in March, she received more than 2,500 phone calls--mostly from happy husbands who were eager to talk about the secrets of marital bliss.

Statewide competitions have since been taking place around the country, and Kitchen hopes to have couples from all 50 states vying in Houston for the Perfect Couple title, $45,000 in prizes--and a second honeymoon.

Kitchen, who points out that her grandparents have been married for 62 years and still worship each other, said she wants the competition to draw attention to positive role models who can let young people know that, in spite of the high divorce rate and what they see on TV, they shouldn’t give up on marriage.

Kitchen wants those who are exposed to her “perfect couples” to be able to say, “They’re married and they’re happy--why can’t we do the same thing?”

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Carla and Michael Burke of Villa Park, Kathy and Cliff Fleming of Santa Ana and Cathy and Andy Steedman of Irvine (who placed third, fourth and fifth, respectively, in the Sacramento pageant) share Kitchen’s desire to give the younger generation--and skeptics of any age--a positive view of marriage. That’s why the three couples sent in applications to become Perfect Couple contestants, even though none of them believes that perfection is a prerequisite for happiness.

“I have a problem with the ‘perfect’ concept,” said Carla Burke, who has been married to Michael for nearly 30 years. “We all make mistakes. We do the best we can, and that’s all we can do.”

“There’s no perfect couple--it’s a matter of striving for perfection and finding out what works and what doesn’t work,” Michael added.

The Burkes said their involvement in the competition has stirred up lively discussions at social gatherings about what it takes to have a good marriage. They and the other contestants relish the chance to talk freely about how content they are. They haven’t always felt comfortable revealing the depth of their marital satisfaction to others, especially those whose marriages are shaky.

“We’ve been frustrated because we see so many people who are unhappy that we almost feel we have to stifle our impulses to share how happy we are,” Kathy Fleming said. “There are people who don’t even believe a happy marriage exists.”

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The competition was a rare opportunity to be surrounded by couples who, as Cathy Steedman put it “were in love, genuinely wanted to be together and had nice things to say about each other.”

Her husband, Andy, said he felt a powerful chemistry between all the couples--even those who had been married for many years.

Cathy and Andy, who have been married four years and are both 27, were the youngest couple at the Sacramento event, and they said they were particularly moved by the strong commitment they saw between the San Diego pair who won first place.

That couple, married 47 years, took the Steedmans aside at one point and shared some success secrets. Cathy said they advised her and Andy to keep things in perspective, be open and honest with each other and never stop feeling young.

There were many opportunities during the two-day pageant to reflect on what makes marriage work. The couples’ extemporaneous answers to questions on the subject were the main judging criteria, according to Kitchen. (The couples were also judged on the basis of the poise they demonstrated while modeling evening and sports wear; Kitchen said this was important because America’s Perfect Couple will be promoting marriage on the speaking circuit.)

Although the Orange County couples didn’t come home with any prizes, they said the competition gave them a chance to affirm and celebrate the strengths in their marriages that they hope their children will emulate.

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“The reason our marriage will last forever is because we were best friends before we developed any kind of love relationship. That’s what it’s about,” Andy Steedman said, at home with Cathy and their 1-year-old daughter, Amanda.

Andy, who a day earlier had completed the bar exam, said it’s important for couples to find time to express love in small ways. For example, when he arrived in Riverside to take the bar exam, he found among his papers a loving note from Cathy and some poems to help him stay calm as test time approached. “It made me feel like she was actually there with me,” he said.

Andy also makes a habit of demonstrating his devotion to his spouse. “I give her back rubs,” he said with a grin, noting that this relieves his tension as well as hers.

Cathy, who has been at home with Amanda and will return to her job as an elementary school teacher this fall, said Andy does other things, too. He plans and prepares dinner for her once a week, writes love notes and poems for her, takes her flowers, helps her grade papers and sets aside one night a week for a “date” and every Sunday for family activities.

Andy’s schedule is full--in addition to his law studies, he runs a cleaning business and works as a legal intern--but he’s very clear about his priorities: “I want to do well in law, but my family comes first.”

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The Flemings, who have been married nearly 16 years, also make a special effort to stay close, despite the time demands that come with raising three children and running a helicopter company (she handles administrative duties; he’s a pilot who often does stunt work for films).

In a letter they sent with their application for the Perfect Couple competition, they wrote: “Although we work together every day, we never get tired of each other. We begin our day with an early morning run, when we plan our day. Our schedule enables us to work out at the gym together at lunch, and our staying fit enables us to keep up with the demands of children and running a business and still have energy for commitment to our main priority: each other.”

Kathy, 36, said she’s seen a number of couples make the mistake of becoming so absorbed in the challenges of raising children that they lose touch with each other. “We work hard at maintaining our identity as a couple,” she said.

“No matter how tired we are, we keep romance in our life,” Cliff, 43, added.

For example, if he has to work late, he’s likely to find Kathy waiting for him in the bedroom with a bottle of wine and a picnic of bread, cheese and fruit. And if the pressures of work and parenting start getting to them, they’ll check into a hotel for the evening and order room service instead of going to a restaurant.

The Flemings, who listed sex as one of their hobbies on their application for the Perfect Couple competition, also make a point of resolving conflicts as they come up.

“It’s very difficult for me to go to sleep at night if we’ve got a problem,” Cliff said. “There’s not a night that we don’t go to sleep snuggling. We never turn our backs on each other; we talk it out.”

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The three grown children of Carla and Michael Burke went to Sacramento to watch them participate in the Perfect Couple competition. Carla said she hopes she and Michael have taught their children that couples should be aggressive about problem-solving and, if necessary, get help from books, counselors, friends, support groups--wherever they can find it.

“Some people think there’s nothing out there that can help them, but there is,” she said. “You can’t wallow in ‘poor me.’ You have to get yourself out of that bad groove.”

Michael, 56, said it’s important to resolve disagreements in ways that satisfy both partners. “You really can’t have a dominant spouse. There has to be give and take, and communication is critical,” he said.

Carla, 50, pointed out that one measure of their strength as a couple is that “we always have a lot to talk about.”

That’s partly because, with Michael’s work as an airline pilot taking him away from home for as long as two weeks at a time, they often have a lot of catching up to do. The time apart is healthy because it prevents them from feeling stifled, Carla noted. However, she added, “we stay in tune. He’s interested in what I’m doing, and I’m interested in what he’s doing.”

Long-married couples must be especially careful about not ending up on separate paths, she said. “It’s very easy for a couple after 15 or 20 years to go off and do their own thing, but it’s dangerous to diverge too far apart.”

The Burkes are disturbed by the fact that so many of today’s young people seem afraid to make a long-term commitment because they don’t believe marriage can last.

They said they’d like to see them stop hedging and take the leap with the confidence they had when they got married. Michael said they felt so strong as a couple that they never worried about their marriage involving too much responsibility or not working out: “It was Carla and me against the world. We felt we could handle anything.”