Here’s What Might Be Heard if Everyone Became Fair Game

All’s fair in love, war and, according to Boston Globe columnist Michael Madden, ballparks and stadiums.

If Charles Barkley of the Philadelphia 76ers can spit at fans, Rob Dibble of the Cincinnati Reds can throw a ball into the bleachers, Albert Belle of the Cleveland Indians can hurl a ball at a fan’s chest and Jose Canseco of the Oakland Athletics can get a fan tossed out of a game, then, Madden insists, ticket-buyers should be able to say what they please.

For example, if Chicago White Sox catcher Carlton Fisk, 43, commits another error, Madden suggests the following response:

“Passed ball on a third strike, Fisk! Medicaid covers eyeglasses now, you know. Old-timers’ game was last Saturday, Pudge!”

Or if American League umpire Terry Cooney ejects Roger Clemens again:

“Bush wants you on the ticket, Cooney. He wants you to read his lips!”

And the next time Larry Bird is assigned Bill Laimbeer during the NBA playoffs:

“Laimbeer, Larry! Laimbeer, for cryin’ out loud. All you got to do is guard Laimbeer! A statue! That asking too much?”

Orel-mania: Dodger pitcher Orel Hershiser continues his shoulder rehabilitation program tonight at the team’s double-A affiliate in San Antonio. Hershiser’s appearance against Shreveport at V.J. Keefe Field produced a run on tickets rarely seen in those parts. In fact, a sellout crowd of more than 3,500 is expected in the small stadium.

Explained Burl Yarbrough, San Antonio Missions general manager: “We sold an incredible amount of tickets for this game. I don’t think it had anything to do with the 1,500 Frisbees we are giving out.”

Trivia time: What is Chicago Bull guard John Paxson’s middle name. Hint: His play is the thing to consider.

Jock talk: Writes Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post: “According to a survey in the Chronicle of Higher Education, basketball and football players are six times more likely to get special admissions to colleges than the rest of the high school population.

“Not artists. Not musicians. Not poets.

“Jocks.

“Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to write iambic pentameter.”

Spelling bee: There’s a good reason why John Hyllienmark of Sweden, a strong safety for the WLAF’s San Antonio Riders, never alerted team officials that his name was spelled incorrectly--Hylliermark--on his game jersey and on roster cards. “The bank still cashed my checks,” he said.

Team officials didn’t notice the discrepancy until checking Hyllienmark’s passport. Even then, the Riders thought his name was spelled wrong on the passport.

Made in the shade: Less than a month after Rickey Henderson broke Lou Brock’s career record for stolen bases, a Van Nuys company is selling card-size holograms of the A’s outfielder. Suggested retail price for a Mr. Humble “limited edition” hologram: $8.

No word yet if Henderson is pictured in 3-D wearing those same ridiculous-looking sunglasses he wore while sliding headfirst into the record books.

Trivia answer: John MacBeth Paxson.

Quotebook: Ray Wilkerson of Harlingen, Tex., after winning $1 million in a recent hole-in-one contest: “Different people have told me I did some funny things. One man told me I picked him up and ran with him 25 yards. He weighs 240 or 250 pounds.”