A new brochure available at L.A. bus...

A new brochure available at L.A. bus and train stations and other Civic Center establishments “welcomes you to downtown”--with tips that conjure up a sequel to Neil Simon’s disaster comedy, “The Out-of-Towners.” Or perhaps a local version of “Escape from New York.”

The brochure, offering nary so much as a coupon for a two-for-one deal at the Kosher Burrito, warns visitors to watch out for robbers, burglars, purse snatchers, shoplifters and beggars. Even purveyors of “the 3-card monte or shell game” are mentioned.

A reader who picked up one of the fliers wrote Only in L.A. to say it “certainly doesn’t instill confidence” in the city.

Needless to say, it was written not by the L.A. Convention and Visitors Bureau, but by the the L.A. Police Department.

A bookkeeper, testifying in a trial involving a business partnership, was droning on about projected income, earnings estimates, etc., in Santa Monica Superior Court when suddenly the doors to the courtroom swung open.

There were bright flashes of light as cameras in the hallway clicked away. Illuminated in the doorway was the massive frame of Marlon Brando, wearing navy blue jacket and reddish tie. He surveyed the scene, then strode down to the front row and took a seat.

On the witness stand, the bookkeeper lost her train of thought. The attorney questioning her became flustered and said, “I can’t compete with this.”

The judge announced that the trial was suspended so that the matter involving bail for Brando’s son, Christian, could be heard. “Sorry for the disruption in your case,” a bailiff told the attorney.

It was a nice moment. As marathon runner Joan Benoit neared the victory line at the Coliseum in the 1984 Olympics, she passed by a mural of herself winning the Boston Marathon. Of course, in L.A., 1984 is ancient history.

The mural--and the building it decorated on Menlo Avenue--are being torn down.

One of the men involved in L.A.’s Great Manhole Theft Caper was sentenced to County Jail Wednesday. He and a partner confessed to filching more than 300 covers to sell as scrap metal. Turns out they could have made 30 times as much money by recycling the same weight in aluminum soft-drink cans.

Anyway, it got us to wondering about the outcome of the earlier search by Sacramento’s Public Works Department for a non-sexist term for “manhole.”

After all, Only in L.A. had joined in the effort. Our winner, suggested by readers L. Paul Cook and Donald Lehti, was “access covers,” a term used in Britain. (It was the only entry to get more than one vote, a clear case of manhole apathy).

Christine Olsen, the public works spokeswoman in Sacramento, said she received “exit port,” “personhole,” “person entry,” and several that rhymed, including “sewer viewer.”

Ignoring Only in L.A., Sacramento ultimately chose “maintenance hole covers.” Why?

“They (manholes) are shown on our maps with MH in a circle,” said Olsen. “We didn’t want to have to change the MHs.”

miscelLAny:

Carrying an average of 337,000 cars per day, the Santa Monica Freeway is the world’s most heavily traveled thoroughfare. The busiest stretch is just east of the Normandie Avenue exit.