Adoption--Family Ties By Twists of Fate : Groups Help With Trials of Adopting : Parenting: Couples going through the adoption process or learning to deal with little ones discuss their stresses.

Last August, Larry and Nancy Green were all set to adopt a newborn baby. The couple spent the night at the hospital with the baby and in the morning planned to go home as a brand-new family.

But it was not to be.

The birth parents had a change of heart and decided to keep the child.

“It’s just like losing a biological baby,” Larry Green said. “We grieved for our lost child.”

Within a week, the Greens joined the Tarzana-based Adoption Assistance Group, a support organization founded in November, 1988, for adoptive and prospective adoptive parents.

For Steve and Suzi Blonder, who had joined the same group well before their birth mother was due, the adoption failed for a different reason: The baby died shortly after birth.

“We felt none of our friends or family could understand what an adoption was like,” said Suzi Blonder, 35. “And we wanted to be around other couples who had gone through it.”

The support groups are for people like the Blonders and adoptive mothers and fathers who feel they have no other place to go to learn parenting skills, infant care or even what is needed to bring the baby home from the hospital.

The Greens and the Blonders are among hundreds of Valley couples who have joined AAG and similar groups for help, security and support in what many adoptive parents find is a very uncertain process. For security reasons--primarily a fear that a mother who gave up her child might try to make contact again--adoptive parents asked that their home communities not be mentioned.

There are all kinds of legal adoptions, including those arranged by public agencies, religious groups and attorneys. The process, AAG members say, can take as little as a few weeks to as much as a few years, with costs varying from almost nothing to more than $20,000. And still there is no guarantee of a family. The Blonders’ attempt to adopt was successful--they are now the proud parents of Allison.

Many people turn to adoption after they find they cannot have children of their own, said Denice Baum, 39, one of the founders of AAG. Like all parents, they also need instruction in infant care, Baum said. But, she added, “The thought of many of them sitting in a room of pregnant women in a Lamaze class is not appealing. And we found most hospitals didn’t even have a program for adoptive parents to learn newborn infant care.”

Just as importantly, said Baum, adoptive parents wanted to be with people who have had similar parental experiences.

“We got a lot of help here,” Larry Green said of AAG. “Unless a couple has experienced it, nobody else can really understand what you’ve gone through.”

The Greens, hoping to adopt another child, are in contact with a second expectant mother, whose child is due in early June.

Unlike many support groups, AAG is not directly connected with an adoption agency. The groups are open to people who are waiting to adopt, who have already adopted or who want to see if adoption is a suitable alternative for them.

“There’s a lot of information you can share with other couples who are thinking about adoption or are going through it,” Baum said. “Plus there’s a lot of anxiety you can go through with another couple who understands. If you need a hug, you can get one from this group.”

Others have had similar experiences with Adoptaides, a support group affiliated with the Los Angeles County Department of Children’s Services.

“When we first got our daughter, Kacey, she was 11 days old, and we knew no one who had adopted children,” said Joan Akkerman, 39. “It was a very traumatic time. We knew Kacey existed on a Monday, and we picked her up that Friday. I was a wreck.”

Joan and Michael Akkerman turned to Adoptaides for help in 1982. They have since adopted a second child, David, in 1985.

Bruce Faulk, 37, and his wife, Sheryl Scarborough, 38, turned to AAG after an initial bad experience with the adoption process.

An agency matched them with an out-of-state pregnant woman two weeks after they had signed up, Faulk said. She had about six months to go before her delivery date.

They traveled a lot to see her, “and she needed help,” said Faulk, explaining that they paid for most of the woman’s medical bills, which amounted to about $15,000. “A week before she gave birth, she had false labor. It was instrumental in changing her mind.” The woman kept her baby and the adoptive couple lost their money. Faulk and Scarborough turned to the support group soon afterward.

“The whole purpose of an open adoption,” Faulk said, “is it has to be a win-win situation where both the birth mother and the adoptive parents are happy. If not, it’s not good for either party.” Three months later, they successfully adopted a child, Mason, now 1 year old.

Luis and Lily Macias of AAG had two similar experiences in which the birth mothers decided to keep the children they had initially planned to put up for adoption.

“So we started the process all over again,” said Lily Macias, 42, who is hoping a third attempt will be successful. “We’ve been advertising, networking, praying, doing anything we could. We have a few things in the fire.”

Four years ago, Shauna and Jim Lewis adopted Terra, now 9, and joined Adoptaides soon afterward.

At the time of the adoption, “We felt very alone,” said Shauna Lewis, 34. “My brothers and sisters were having children the ‘normal’ way and it was very comforting to become part of a group that became families the same way we did.”

“The group can become a crying towel,” said Jim Lewis, 39, who explained that Terra had been made fun of in school when some of her classmates found out she was adopted. “But when she came to the support group and saw other adopted kids, she said, ‘They’re OK, and they’re adopted.’ It’s great to know that someone is there when you’re really down and wondering what you’re doing wrong.”

Though not all adoptions are a struggle, even the ones that go smoothly can be a little unnerving. Two years ago, soon after making contact with the birth mother, Leslie and Tom Milwicz became adoptive parents.

“We had no preparation time,” said Leslie Milwicz, 36, who said she became aware of Adoptaides through a social worker. She said she and her husband were concerned about how to tell their child that she was adopted, so they started referring to the adoption in the course of normal conversation. “We don’t hide things from her, we speak about the adoption. It gives you a comfortable sense.”

For most members, there are many anxious moments connected with the adoption process.

“There is a period of time afterward when you are waiting for the adoption to be finalized as well as waiting for the birth mother to do everything properly and not change her mind,” said AAG member Paul Teplitz, 32. “That gets addressed within this group as well.”

Denice Baum’s husband, David, 36, added: “We have a qualified person teach infant CPR, have guest medical speakers and guest lecturers who speak on everything from children’s books to behavioral issues. Groups like ours try and give constructive solutions, share what worked and what didn’t work, and we’re available to people.”

Besides support groups that generally appeal to couples adopting infants, other organizations, such as the Open Door Society, specialize in helping parents who want to adopt so-called “hard-to-place” children.

The Los Angeles chapter of the countywide Open Door Society, said member Marsha Spector, 48, meets monthly at various locations in the Southland, including the Valley. It is aimed at people who want to adopt a child 18 months or older who might have been in foster care, been born drug-addicted and who might have emotional problems or learning disabilities.

The society also sponsors the Adoption Warm Line, a telephone referral service for adoptive parents that addresses the needs and concerns of families before and after adoptions.

“It’s really reassuring for me to know that what you’re doing is right,” said Adoptaides member Sharon Wright, 46, “and that other people have gone through the same thing.”