Tabloid Tours Let Travelers See Sites Where History Was Made

Friends, we here at Tabloid Tours know what you want. You want to rub your nose in history. You want a chance to travel where the rich and famous have recently unraveled.

For those of you who choose to walk barefoot on the cutting edge of this ragged age, we present our Tours for Boors spring schedule.

Right now we have space available on the following:

1--The Trump Shuffle-West. See the actual spot in Aspen where the Marla Summit took place. Attend a debate between leading New York gossips Cindy Adams and Liz Smith as to whether Marla said, “I love your husband,” or Ivana said, “Stay away from The Donald.” Find out why she calls him “The Donald.” Suggested dress: fur coat and Czech ski boots.

2--The Trump Shuffle-East. You decide if the 25 million bucks is Trump change. Tour includes Trump Tower, Trump Plaza, Taj Mahal in New Jersey and Mar-a-Lago. Exclusive view of the Trump Work-Out room, where Don decided the marriage was “no longer working out.”

3--Marion Barry’s Washington, D.C. See the hotel where Rasheeda tricked him. Visit the neighborhoods where even the President could buy drugs. Attend a meeting to explain why Washingtonians want Jesse for governor instead of mayor.

4--Charles Stuart Boston Tour. Take a reporter to lunch and see what you can persuade him to believe.

5--The Roseanne Barr Domestic Goddess Tour. Stay at a hotel where cable stations play readings of Roseanne’s love letters. You pay nothing for the first five minutes. Go to the same tattoo parlor where Tom and Rosie got theirs. Sell the exclusive rights to your wedding to a magazine. Moon the media at a major sporting event. Complain about your bad press.

6--The Forever Elvis Tour. Visit convenience stores in five states where Elvis has been seen in the past year. Spend a day at Graceland experimenting with over-the-counter pharmaceuticals. Then fly to the West Coast and try to snap a photo of Lisa Marie’s baby.

7--Two-Michaels-for-the-Price-of-One Tour. See Michael Jackson’s original nose preserved in a hyperbaric chamber. Then fly in a helicopter over Michael J. Fox’s home and find out if he really is a regular guy.

8--The Drew Barrymore Relapse Tour. Fourteen-year-old Drew has had two People magazine covers this past year--one for substance-abuse recovery and another for relapsing and recovering again. She’s got a best seller about her problem. Find out if Drew will relapse again and have a career. Or will she stay clean and sober, and just have a life?

9--The Stop-Making-Scents Tour. Visit the factory where a celebrity concept is turned into an expensive odor. Compare Cher’s Uninhibited with Liz’s Passion. Pay through the nose for Calvin Klein’s Obsession. Get a whiff of Misha. Come out smelling like you’ve been dancing all day.

Due to lack of interest, the following historic tours have been canceled: The Ollie North Automatic Fence Tour, Zsa Zsa’s Beverly Hills Cop-Slapping Tour, The Boesky-in-Chains Tour, The San Francisco Earthquake “People Really Died Here” Tour, Jim Bakker’s Padded Cell (Made From Tammy’s Old Blouses) and Richard Nixon’s Paranoid Museum.

And for those of you who still cling to the notion that history is something that happened in the ancient past, we are now offering:

The Fabulous Fifties Charles Van Doren Nostalgia Tour.