He’s So Good, Even His Incompletions Look Pretty

SAN FRANCISCO —  “And, at quarterback, No. 16, JOE Mon-TAN-a!” said the public-address announcer--the turning point in Saturday’s NFC playoff game at Candlestick Park.

Joe Montana threw four touchdown passes and had a fifth called back by a penalty on himself. Then he returned to play the second half.

Well, sports fans, that was the ol’ ballgame between the reigning Super Bowl champion San Francisco 49ers and the will-we-EVER-win-one Minnesota Vikings, who were put to sleep, 41-13, by a 49er team that keeps coming back for more, more, more.

“We were never in the football game,” said Viking Coach Jerry Burns.

(Oh, sure you were, Jer. You were the ones in the white uniforms, remember?)

“We got our bleep kicked,” said Viking defensive tackle Henry Thomas.

(He was so angry, he actually used the B word.)

“Either they’re better than last year or we’re worse,” said Viking offensive tackle Tim Irwin, “and I honestly don’t think we’re worse.”

(Let’s put it to a vote.)

Actually, the 49ers may be better than they were last year at every position but quarterback.

They’re about the same at quarterback, because Montana can’t get much better.

He’s the sort of quarterback who throws pretty incompletions. He completed his first eight passes Saturday so easily, he made Minnesota’s defensive backs look like cardboard cutouts at a police pistol-shooting range. You had to keep counting Vikings on the field to make sure there were 11. We’ve seen better defense played by the Stanford band.

That’s how bad Montana can make somebody look.

“Joe played a stupendous game,” said 49er Coach George Seifert.

(Hey, Joe played. The rest of the quote is redundant.)

“He drops back. He sits there. He waits,” Thomas said. “We just about get to him. He releases the ball. Next play he drops back. He waits. We chase him. He runs. We just about get him. He releases the ball. Over and over again. He’s always just releasing the ball. The guy’s got timing, man. Timing.”

(You bet your B, Henry.)

Don’t forget, this was the NFL’s No. 1-rated defense that was chasing Montana. And all he had in front of him was an offensive line that, well, let’s just say it was rated lower than No. 1. In fact: “It’s been insinuated that we’re the worst offensive line in the league,” 49er guard Bruce Collie pointed out.

How’d this line look against the Vikings?

“I think zero sacks speaks for itself,” Collie said.

Woof.

Of course, having Joe Montana behind the line makes any line better, even against mean old Minnesota dudes such as Keith Millard and Ray Berry and Joey Browner and Al Noga.

Montana said: “All week long, we’ve been hearing about their pass rush against our offensive line. That was the key. So, the credit goes to those guys (the 49er line). When you get the time I had, and with the guys I have to throw to, good things are going to happen.”

Joe Montana is a good thing who is going to happen. He is going to happen again next Sunday, matter of fact.

Minnesota, meanwhile, tried quarterback after quarterback after quarterback. Wade Wilson, then Tommy Kramer, then some person from Delaware named Rich Gannon. By the time they got snuffed at Candlestick, the Vikings had called the number of every quarterback in their book, and might have given Fran Tarkenton a jingle if he hadn’t been off somewhere conducting some personal-improvement seminar.

Shows you what separates the men from the boys, the Super Bowlers from the gutter ballers.

If Roger Craig hadn’t fumbled at the Viking eight on the opening drive, and if Montana hadn’t crossed the line of scrimmage on a second-period pass to Jerry Rice, it is just possible that Montana would have thrown six touchdown passes in the first half, instead of only four.

He’s just the guy who could do it, too.

“I guess anything Joe Montana does shouldn’t come as a surprise,” said Brent Jones, his tight end.

(Good guess.)

About the only surprise that did involve Montana was that he was still on the field until the score was 41-6. By then, the Viking coach looked around 101 years old, the offensive coordinator was asking for volunteers at quarterback and the defensive coordinator was thinking about asking for sanctuary at the Vatican embassy. This was not a happy bunch of Vikings.

“Joe Montana was hot,” Thomas said, “and Joe Montana was cool.”

(The guy gets you coming or going, doesn’t he?)