Famous for Being Famous

This week, two milestones in the annals of fame (or is it infamy?) are being recorded. The first is that Zsa Zsa Gabor has gone on trial for slapping a Beverly Hills policeman, disobeying an officer of the law, driving with an expired license, having an open container of alcohol in her Rolls-Royce and operating a vehicle without registration.

The second is that the “New Hollywood Squares” TV game show has gone off the air.

Now, on the surface, these two events don’t seem to have much in common. But think about it for a minute.

Where was Gabor always welcome no matter who else thought she was a washed-up actress? Where could she always count on being photographed at least from the waist up? Where was she always allowed to say the most outrageous things without risking even a raised eyebrow?

Incarnated and Reincarnated

“Hollywood Squares,” of course. Because in its first inception from 1976 to 1981, and then in its reincarnation from September, 1986, until its final rerun aired last week, the show was a home for people like her. Or, more specifically, for People Who Are Famous for Being Famous.

Make fun of PFBFers all you want. Everyone does. But no matter if they were spotted hanging out at the old Studio 54 disco in New York, hamming it up on the “Love Boat” or hosting late-night cable TV commercials--all favorite haunts--they’ve always managed for better or for worse to carve out a hunk of space in the public’s consciousness.

And how have such PFBF Hall of Famers as Gabor, Charo, Bianca Jagger and George Hamilton achieved this reknown despite very little talent, not much physical effort and no visible means of financial support?

Through those three S’s of Continuous Celebrity--Sex, Scandal and Staying Power.

“They’re sort of like pimples,” explains Hollywood publicist Michael Levine, who represents such PFBFers as Vanna White and Dr. Joyce Brothers as well as Non-PFBFers. “They rise to the surface and burst open. Then, some leave a scar.”

Already, in the days leading up to the courtroom drama of the People of the State of California v. Zsa Zsa Gabor, journalists have reported every twist and turn no matter how absurd--from the tidbit that Gabor would wear a basic black Donna Karan dress (though she had told some media that the frock was from Valentino) to the nubbin that the Society for the Prevention of Anything Against Zsa Zsa is selling “Free Zsa Zsa, Dahling” T-shirts for $19.95. And the trial itself seems certain to attract almost as much media coverage as, say, Oliver North’s, Leona Helmsley’s or Jim Bakker’s, all of whom were at one time major figures in the fields of politics, business and religion.

And, yet, amazingly, right up there with them is a Hungarian has-been whose only serious acting credit was the 1952 fictional biopic of artist Toulouse-Lautrec, “Moulin Rouge.” Whose most interesting accomplishment is her marriages to eight men. And whose primary contribution to society consists of two books (“Zsa Zsa’s Complete Guide to Men,” and “How to Get a Man, How to Keep a Man, How to Get Rid of a Man”), face creams and fake jewelry.

Bevy of Blatherers

Still, that was enough to earn her at least a half-dozen appearances on the “New Hollywood Squares” as well as umpteen number on the original version, which also managed to make network TV and syndication stars of a bevy of blatherers including Paul Lynde, Rose-Marie, Wally Cox, Charlie Weaver and George Gobel. Not to be outdone, the “New Hollywood Squares” provided a showcase for such wanna-be PFBFers as actor Jm J. Bullock and announcer Shadoe Stevens.

“It’s easy to make those snide remarks about these people. I probably thought that way, too, when I first started,” says “New Hollywood Squares” executive producer Rick Rosner.

“But book a Charles Nelson Reilly, and you’ve got a lot of fun. Put Zsa Zsa next to ALF, and it’s explosive. I used to think if it weren’t for these shows, where would these people go? But now I know that if it weren’t for these people, where would these shows be?”

To Rosner, the appeal of PFBFers lies in their personalities. Call it charm, call it charisma or just call it a charade. “But many of these guests are wonderful guests, and they’re just good at being wonderful guests,” Rosner says. “You could almost say they act like catalysts. They know how to make the show interesting.”

Leo Braudy, USC’s Bing Professor of English and author of “The Frenzy of Reknown: Fame and Its History,” also believes PFBFers provide a valuable community service: to remind us that anyone can become famous. “I think they’re cozy,” he contends. “They present the possibility that you can rise from a log cabin and become an aristocrat who does nothing.”

PFBFers also share certain characteristics, none of which have anything to do with winning Academy Awards, climbing Mt. Everest or performing Mother Teresa-like acts of charity (though Gabor was the goodwill ambassador for the Montgomery Ward Auto Club in 1980).

Instead, they live for those rare invitations to sit next to Johnny or Arsenio. They go into withdrawal if their photographs aren’t in the tabloids weekly. They can’t help acting as if the world owes them a living. They get younger with each passing year, thanks to face-lifts and altered driving licenses. They cling to their ex-spouses’ fame like a life preserver. They rely upon their good looks like a life annuity.

And, in the most crucial requirement for active membership, they get into legal scrapes, romantic liaisons and business deals as regularly as Gabor hires divorce lawyers.

Though few can match Gabor’s penchant for playing Peck’s Bad Girl--whether it was that ruckus over her dogs on Delta Airlines, or her refusal to act in front of a dinner theater audience when some handicapped persons sat in the front row--many have tried.

For years, sometime actress Grace Jones merely lived up to her reputation as an obnoxious guest on “Late Night with David Letterman,” until she recently found herself in real trouble, in a Jamaican jail accused of possessing cocaine.

And Margaret Trudeau didn’t limit her bizarre behavior to embarrassing her prime minister husband or trailing after the Rolling Stones; she, too, was arrested on a drug charge (later dropped).

The Name Lingers

In the romantic sector, Apollonia’s relationship with Prince may have faded, but somehow her name still lingers. Philippe Junot, the French playboy who was Princess Caroline’s first husband, is still worthy of a tabloid headline. And Donna Rice, Fawn Hall and Jessica Hawn continue to be household words after their real or imagined celebrity relationships.

Like moths to a flame, advertisers seek out PFBFers with quite lucrative consequences. Take, for instance, socialite Cornelia Guest, who calls herself an actress even though she hasn’t yet secured a part. Nevertheless, her name was enough to snare a six-figure deal to hawk a hair product. And actress Jill St. John, whose most significant role was dating Henry Kissinger, has a new career as a cookbook author and cooking columnist.

The PFBF Hall of Famer, however, manages to hit a home-run on all fronts. George Hamilton, for instance, knew his TV and movie career had stalled. Yet he found a new lease on life--or at least, the cover of supermarket tabloids--when he started squiring around Elizabeth Taylor. And today, he is marketing not one but two different skin care lines--an anti-aging cleansing regimen advertised on late-night cable TV, and a tanning formula sold in discount stores.

A Sudden Transformation

So, too, has Bianca Jagger succeeded in every category, from her sudden transformation from the model of obscurity into the wife of Mick Jagger, to her 132 mentions in “The Andy Warhol Diaries,” most of them so scandalous in nature that she is pursuing a lawsuit against the book, to her recent recovery from an accident after which, according to a People magazine article, she exercised her way back to health. Naturally, an exercise video is afoot.

Even Charo, that wriggling wonder who was a regular on “Hollywood Squares” both old and new, parlayed her love affair with geriatric bandleader Xavier Cugat into a recurring role on “Love Boat” episodes and most recently ownership of a swank Hawaiian restaurant. All she needs now to complete her PFBF profile is a late-night cable commercial.

Of course, PFBFers are not to be confused with those other PFBFers--People Who Are Famous for Being Failures. These people also show up on late-night cable commercials, like “MASH” star McLean Stevenson, whose bald spot grabs the spotlight these days in an ad for a hair-loss remedy, or former Hugh Hefner playmate Barbi Benton, who now sells piano-playing videotapes.

If in doubt, true PFBFers--that is, People Who Are Famous for Being Famous--can always be measured by their ability to turn out a crowd. Indeed, they know how to create a media event with the same native instinct that salmon use to swim upstream, like the time that Bianca rented a Malibu beach house, rounded up reporters and announced the start of her film career, which didn’t last nearly as long as her press conference.

And what about Richard “Mr.” Blackwell’s annual Worst-Dressed List, which has been a lot more famous than his dress designs over the years.

Or consider the time that Zsa Zsa almost created a riot while posing for photographers at London’s Heathrow Airport in 1973 wearing nothing but stockings under her fur coat. “It was hot on the plane, dahling,” she cooed. “I just had to peel off.”

Garnered Certain Tributes

And by keeping herself in the media eye, Gabor has received certain tributes that many would envy, from lecturing at colleges (Saddleback College’s Celebrity Series) to receiving political honors (guest speaker at a $1,000-a-plate dinner for the Michigan GOP party).

In the end, the real secret of the success of People Who Are Famous for Being Famous is the fact that we talk about them at all. “If the audience didn’t respond to these people, they wouldn’t exist,” says academic Braudy. “It’s all for our benefit.”

Publicist Levine agrees. “Why are they famous? The fault lies in ourselves, not in our stars.”

And while few things about the future can be called certain, two things surely are. The first is that Zsa Zsa Gabor will make headlines again.

And the second, says producer Rosner, is that “in four or five years’ time, ‘Hollywood Squares’ will be resurrected. And, once again, we’ll all wonder why.”

YOU’RE FAMOUS FOR BEING FAMOUS IF . . .

1--You hesitate when filling out the space on forms for “occupation.”

2--You can only get booked on cable “public access” talk shows.

3--A Beverly Hills realtor selling a house notes that you once lived there. No one buys it.

4--You subscribe to the National Enquirer hoping to see your name.

5--You preside over ribbon cuttings for mini-malls.

6--You’ve just come out with a cookbook/cosmetics/costume jewelry/diet video/wig line.

7--You show up at parties with Cesar Romero.

8--You are top seed at a celebrity tennis match.

9--Your accountant starts listing your free dinners as reportable income.

10--Paparazzi don’t take your picture as you leave the Betty Ford Center. They already have it from the last time.