These Two Swingers Could Party

Pounding the sports beat . . .

That’s incredible: Babe Ruth and Elvis Presley, the Sultan and the King, died on the same day, 29 years apart. Wherever they are right now, wouldn’t you love to be invited to the party they throw for themselves every Aug. 16th?

Elvis update: Among the no-shows for last Saturday’s Houston Oilers-New England Patriots exhibition game at Memphis, Tenn., was Elvis himself. Responding to rumors that Presley is still alive, Houston Coach Jerry Glanville left two tickets for the King at will-call.

“No, Elvis didn’t pick up the tickets,” said a spokeswoman for the Memphis agency that handled the ticketing.

Maybe because they were lousy seats. The spokeswoman said Elvis’ seat location was “kind of high” and on “about the 25-yard line.”

Look, I know the man hasn’t had a hit record in several years, but surely he rates a pair of seats on the 50.

Pass the hankie: Bruce Kimball is one courageous fellow. Just ask him.

“I don’t give up,” he said in his Indianapolis speech Tuesday, announcing his intention to dive in the U.S. trials, only two weeks after the Florida tragedy. “I won’t give up. I couldn’t live with myself if I do.”

Hey, Bruce, if you had been standing in that crowd of teen-agers last Aug. 1 when a drunk driver crashed the party in his sports car, you wouldn’t have to worry about living with yourself, or anyone else.

Will somebody hire this guy a PR coach before he succeeds in reducing the human tragedy of two killed and six injured to the level of a groin pull?

Leave your heart, just bring your arm: Athletes are treated like pieces of meat, which is sad, and not at all like the humane treatment the rest of the world receives in the workplace. So you can’t blame John Tudor for expressing his distaste at being traded to the Dodgers.

“My heart’s in St. Louis, but I’m pitching in L.A.,” Tudor said.

Tudor should compare notes with Tony Bennett.

Tudor also said, “I don’t relish the idea of going over there as the guy who’s going to try to pick it up for them.”

Don’t worry, Tudes. You don’t have to pick it up for the Dodgers. It’s already up--check the standings. No heavy lifting required. The Dodgers have some other decent pitchers. They just want a little help once a week or so.

Apology: I hereby apologize to all professional athletes for the insensitivity of the preceding item.

Seriously.

I know that despite the perception of how easy pro athletes have it, the meat-market aspects of the job can be very discouraging and dehumanizing.

For future reference, though, please clip and save the following statement: Baseball (football, basketball, etc.) is a cold business.

Now those of you who haven’t yet been traded won’t be surprised.

Baseball (etc.) is a cold business. But if baseball was a warm hobby, how many one-dimensional, 32-year-old hitters with neck-shoulder-wrist-knee problems could sign 3-year contract extensions for $6.2 million?

Candlestick tavern: Herb Caen, San Francisco Chronicle columnist laureate, addressing the behavior problems at The City’s breezy ballyard:

“How come there are no drunken louts in the stands when the Giants play the Dodgers down there? . . . Maybe it’s brutish Candlestick Park itself that brutalizes our beer sipping intellectuals.”

Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Of course, with or without their ballpark-of-horrors, the San Francisco intellectuals’ philosophical credo has always seemed to be, “I drink, therefore I am.”

Word twisting: Kirk Gibson was defending Pedro Guerrero, and maybe Gibson didn’t even mean this the way it came out, but he said in part, “I think we should give the guy his due. He didn’t cheat the fans. He gave what he thought was 100%.”

That’s the first time I’ve ever heard the most hallowed sports cliche qualified in this interesting manner.

The one-yard dash: Ben Johnson, handicapping his 100-meter showdown with Carl Lewis (Wednesday in Zurich), said: “There’s no match there. As soon as the gun go off, the race be over.”

This was after Lewis indirectly hinted that Johnson might be into steroids, and might tend to jump the starting gun.

I love your flair for showmanship, fellows, but let’s get serious. You raced for $250,000 each in Zurich. Next time, how about making it winner-take-all, loser-leave-town?

Toward more picturesque oratoricality : The Baltimore Orioles and two members of the minor league Bluefield Orioles have been sued for $2 million by a fan who says he was injured by the two players.

In the suit, the lawyer claims his client was beaten with “a dangerous instrumentality known as a baseball bat.”

This lawyer is probably the same guy who first referred to a pitcher’s speed and control as “velocity” and “location.”

The fellow may have coined himself a new one. I can just hear the play-by-play announcer . . . “Bases loaded, folks, and look out! Here’s dangerous Biff Burns digging into the batter’s box, swinging his dangerous ol’ instrumentality. . . . “