Everything You Didn’t Want to Know About Sports . . . and More

Pounding the sports beat . . .

Let me be the first to unofficially welcome the Raiders to Los Angeles. With that last pesky bit of court business out of the way, Injunction Al Davis will have no distractions in his search for an offense and a quarterback, and Pete Rozelle can return to his job as commissioner of the NFL.

As for you city government folks in Oakland, and your courageous and costly crusade to return the Raiders to the Bay Area by means of eminent domain--highlights of your legal battle will be featured on the next episode of “Bleeps, Blunders and Taxpayer Plunders.”

In all the excitement over hot heavyweight Mike Tyson--18 knockouts in 18 pro fights--there doesn’t seem to be much mention of the fact that Tyson was 0-2 against Henry Tillman in Olympic preparation bouts. Both were clear decisions.

So Derrick Dowell, in Stan Morrison’s doghouse, will sit out the last two USC basketball games. But Dowell can still be involved. According to reports, he sometimes didn’t show up, sometimes showed up late, sometimes lacked enthusiasm. Derrick has the makings of a perfect USC basketball fan.

Based on the theory that a baseball player gets paid this season for his performance last season, and on the assumption that a pitcher gets paid to win games, the five Dodger starting pitchers earned an average of $68,402.78 for each victory last season.

Did you ever wonder why nobody ever seems to break a pole vault record by more than a quarter-inch, or a centimeter? This is just a wild theory, but it might have something to do with the the top vaulters working on a bonus system.

Take Sergei Bubka. Please. When the Soviet superstar agreed to compete in two West Coast indoor meets last month, his deal in each meet was $3,000 to show up and $3,000 if he set a world indoor mark. In the Millrose Games, his deal was $5,000 and $5,000.

Imagine what this arrangement could do to dampen the incentive of a vaulter to raise the bar six inches. Even if the vaulter is a noncapitalist.

Aren’t you sick already of references to the Dodgers’ millionaire pitching staff?

I don’t want to start any trouble, but has there ever been a female public-address announcer for a big league team?

What quarterback said it: “We threw less than anyone else in the league last year, but I was running the offense that was called for me. I don’t think I was ever really given the opportunity to show what I could do.” That’s right--Jeff Kemp, in a magazine article last summer.

Moses Malone is still a dangerous man, but Philly fans worry about his shooting. Malone’s field-goal mark is 44%, which is his career low and 10% below his career best, in ‘78-79. Getting old--he’ll be 31 this month--is no picnic, Mo.

Pardon the cliche, but sometimes the best deal is the one you don’t make.

Two seasons ago, when Magic Johnson was sidelined with a dislocated finger, there was serious talk in Lakerland of signing Micheal Ray Richardson, then a free agent.

He was already deep into his drug problems and had failed twice at rehabilitation. The main dissenting Laker voice was that of General Manager Jerry West, who quietly let the potential deal die.

OK, NBA, you kicked out Micheal Ray. Now do something to rid the sport of the sick fans who waved plastic bags of flour at Richardson when he was battling cocaine addiction.

Best bet to fight to the dying breath: USSR sports federations, on the issue of whether to open the Olympic games to pro-

fessional athletes. See, the Soviets don’t have any professional athletes . . .

With major league baseball’s great old-timers planning a barnstorming tour of the country, now is the time to start those office pools on which player will be the first to hold out for a bigger salary, the first to demand more playing time, and the first to utter the phrase, “I’ll know when I’m too old to play the game, and when that happens I’ll hang up my spikes.”

In the works is a video chronicling the career of a famed athlete. Title: “The Amazing Feats of Mr. C.” Who’s the star? Hint: The video should be a big seller, and it won’t wilt on the vine.

Consider yourself a dinosaur if you don’t like the new generation of basketball shoes, the wild multicolored designs such as the Air Jordans. Talk about taking a fashion risk.

Setting a great example for other sports, female body building has begun a war on steroids.

The Miss Olympia contest last winter was history’s first body building event to have mandatory steroid testing. The women thereby yielded the title of No. 1 Steroid Freak Show to the men body builders and to the NFL.

Walter Byers, executive director of the NCAA, says: “There’s nothing wrong with intercollegiate athletics except the recruiting process.”

Somebody had better let Walter out of his cave and get him a subscription to a daily newspaper.

Heard about the hot new doubles team in women’s tennis? Smith and Wesson.