Be truthful with children about tragedy

It’s often said that being a parent is the hardest job. Surely one of the toughest parts of this most difficult job comes when tragedy strikes and parents must figure out how to help their kids cope with the harsh realities of loss, fear and uncertainty.

The recent terrorist attacks in Paris provide us all with a searing reminder that bad stuff sometimes happens to good people. It’s challenging enough for adults to try to make some sense of that.

How do we also help our children process their feelings and anxieties?

Mental health professionals first remind us that there is no single correct response to such horrifying events.

“There is a wide range of normalcy in parenting,” said Dr. Dennis Greenberger, a clinical psychologist and director of the Anxiety and Depression Center in Newport Beach. “There’s also a wide range of normalcy in children’s reactions.”

Based on their ages, children will typically respond to traumatic events in a number of ways. Very young kids might become clingy and insecure and require extra hugs and reassurances that you are there for them.

Older elementary and middle-school children might have trouble sleeping or will act out. High school kids might deny that they are upset but then display a range of reactions, including becoming more argumentative or saying they have physical aches and pains.

However your children react, mental health professionals have a number of recommendations for dealing with such situations, suggestions that are grounded in experience working with trauma as well as common sense.

When horrific events occur, whether it’s a large-scale terror attack or a more personal tragedy, above all talk to your kids. Some parents might be reluctant to bring up such matters for fear of unnecessarily exposing their children to troubling information. But children older than about 5 will likely have heard something anyway, or would have picked up cues from those around them.

We also must keep in mind that we live in an increasingly connected world, and children are frequently exposed to a far wider spectrum of information through movies, television and social media than in past generations. As a result, it’s harder for parents to shield their children from disturbing images, making it even more vital that we engage them in thoughtful conversation and encourage them to vocalize their feelings.

Parents should ask their children of all ages what they’ve heard about the event, if they have any questions or concerns and give them permission to be upset about it, psychologists counsel. Very young children might not have the language to fully articulate their feelings, so Dr. Greenberger suggested it might be helpful to have them draw a picture, or even write a letter to victims’ families.

As you speak to your kids, be truthful and give accurate information. Avoid the inclination to downplay the event or give vague, euphemistic or wildly unrealistic assurances. But also avoid dwelling on unnecessary details, or on the scale and scope of the event. Don’t exaggerate or speculate and try to clear up any misconceptions they might have.

It’s OK to tell your kids that you are upset too and that you don’t have all the answers. They will look to your behavior to guide them. If you raise your voice and seem anxious, they’ll follow your lead. So speak gently, in your normal tone of voice, use simple language and exhibit a calm demeanor.

“The question becomes what do children see their parents doing,” Dr. Greenberger said. “When we’re modeling coping, we certainly don’t want to deny evil or tragedy. But we also don’t want to make it the sole focus.”

Share with your children “what you say to yourself to keep from being consumed by fear and how to live in the present moment without fear,” he said. “It can spark a wonderful family discussion about your spiritual tradition or family traditions.”

In his practice, Dr. Greenberger, who is also the author of the book “Mind Over Mood,” often employs a simple technique in which he asks patients coping with anxiety issues to first consider what the worst possible outcome would be. Then he instructs them to imagine the best possible outcome, and then what is most likely to happen.

The same method might be applied to children, he said, as a means of prompting them to think in less-catastrophic terms.

Many mental health professionals also encourage parents to find ways for their children to regain a sense of control by, say, reviewing safety protocols and resources. They also suggest involving children in organizations and activities aimed at helping others.

By participating in such worthwhile causes, whether within their own communities or through a large international organization, children can feel more empowered by the knowledge that they are taking action to try to make the world a better, kinder, safer place.

And as we sit down at our Thanksgiving tables this week, we are presented with the ideal opportunity to focus on the aspects of our lives that matter most, Dr. Greenberger noted.

Indeed, there is no better example we can set for our children than showing them that in moments like this, when we are confronted with senseless violence, we choose to carry on with love, unity, compassion and gratitude — qualities that will always be stronger than hate and fear.

PATRICE APODACA is a former Newport-Mesa public school parent and former Los Angeles Times staff writer. She lives in Newport Beach.