Commentary: Domestic violence also harms children who witness it

I was not born mute, but throughout my youth I did not have a voice. Any desire that I had to express myself vanished.

My self-confidence was hindered, and I was fearful to speak up for myself. This meant not asking for permission to use the restroom in school, nor asking for help in math class.

I had trouble focusing during tests, was not motivated to preform well and was the quiet-shy-nice girl in class with very few friends.

When a heavy book fell from a desk, I’d jump with anxiety, and my heart would race while my classmates laughed and continued to work. It took me some time to readjust and remember that I was safe in class. I was also a frequent visitor at the nurse’s office, I complained and cried of stomachaches.

I am a child survivor of domestic violence.

For years I did not understand why bad things were happening at home and wanted to make it stop. In fact, most of my birthday wishes were wasted on the hope that it would end fast.

Though I was never physically or sexually abused, and I didn’t always witness the acts of abuse, I was heavily affected by the chaos at home.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, every year more than 10 million men and women are abused by an intimate partner, and 90% of the children who are exposed to domestic violence witness the violent acts.

The effects on children who are exposed to domestic violence are chilling. They may experience underdeveloped verbal, social and learning skills, uncertainty of self and roles to fulfill, sadness, depression and suicidal thoughts.

Some children loose so much sense of themselves that they become “parentified.” This means that they take the role of a parent in an effort to try to gain control of the situation at home and help protect the mother and siblings. While it may appear as a good quality, parentification results in high risk for poor mental and behavioral health outcomes.

While I am still easily startled by loud noises and experience nightmares, as a social worker, and with the help of therapy, I now understand that my behavior as a young girl was influenced by the domestic violence that I was exposed to, and that an evil witch did not curse me.

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month just came to a close. But the true frightening and nerve-wrecking effects of this deadly epidemic must continue to speak loudly or thousands of our children will be haunted well beyond Halloween.

JEANETTE LOMELI is pursuing a master’s in social work at USC and is an intern at Human Options Inc., a domestic violence agency serving Orange County.