Apodaca: ‘Mommy wars’ are not what they’ve been made out to be
Here’s a pop quiz:
Who has a harder job — the stay-at-home parent or the working parent?
Which is better for kids — the stay-at-home parent or the working parent?
Who is happier and more well-adjusted — the stay-at-home parent or the working parent?
Who is more judgmental about others’ child-rearing choices — the stay-at-home parent or the working parent?
Your answers will determine where you stand in the so-called “mommy wars,” a term originally coined by Newsweek in 1990 to describe the conflict between working mothers and those who stay at home.
Twenty-five years later the media continue to portray this supposed modern-day clash as one waged by women, against other women, to claim superiority in parenting. It’s often painted in the same unflattering light as a high school mean-girl catfight, with all the cliquishness and snide put-downs that comparison would imply. Except that the girls are now all grown up with kids of their own and the competition is to out-mother each other.
On one side of the battle, we are told, are the working mothers who must stay employed to keep their families afloat financially, or choose to work because they find their jobs engaging and fulfilling. They are setting an example of industriousness, discipline and self-improvement for their children, unlike those self-indulgent stay-at-home moms who spend their days getting their nails done and meeting for mid-day coffee klatches where they obsess over their kids’ craft projects.
On the other side are the stay-at-home moms who made the selfless choice to shelve their career aspirations because they truly believe that was best for their families. Their kids will grow up secure and confident, knowing that they have a parent who was always present and involved, unlike those selfish working mothers who leave their children in the care of others, show up late for soccer games, and are disengaged from school activities.
These two groups glare resentfully at each across school parking lots, one side in pumps and designer suits, the other in sweats and athletic shoes, both camps self-righteously smug and judgemental.
At least that’s the picture that we get in the endless media reports that keep telling us that this is a real phenomenon playing out in melodramatic fashion in communities across the country. The only thing is, the story being told is mostly fiction.
There is no “war” between mothers who work outside the home and those who don’t, and there is no massive movement by one side to demean or demonize the other. Most mothers are far too busy and engaged with their own families to pick apart the choices made by others. They understand that parenting is a complicated business, that there is no one right answer, and that we all could use some support and understanding from time to time. We all make mistakes, yet we are all doing the best we can given our own unique circumstances.
OK, maybe there’s just a teensy bit of truth to these stereotypes. Women can get a tad judgmental about each other at times, in that inimical passive-aggressive way we’re so good at. (“You can totally pull off that extra five pounds with your body type.”)
It’s also arguably harder for moms who work, especially those with full-time jobs, to break into the sometimes clubbish PTA set, in the same way it might be difficult for stay-at-home moms to make concessions to accommodate the schedules of their working peers.
And there might occasionally be flare-ups of resentment toward other parents, which are most often fueled by the aggrieved party’s own feelings of guilt or inadequacy. No matter how much a woman might love her job or how badly her family might need her salary, it sometimes still hurts to miss out on time with the kids.
And many stay-at-home mothers probably do sometimes gaze longingly at working moms as they depart for far-off lands where adult is spoken and they aren’t marginalized by a society that doesn’t value anyone who isn’t an active part of the paid labor force.
But I’d argue that those differences don’t pit women against each other. Rather, they bind us together.
We’re not at war with each other. We’re fighting to do what’s best for our families, each in our own way. And we’re waging that battle amid a landscape that, despite changes in attitudes toward women over time, still hasn’t evolved far enough when it comes to making work and parenthood a less fraught-filled proposition.
The labor force participation rate for mothers with children age 18 and under is now 70%. The real enemy of those women isn’t the other 30%. It’s a workplace environment that still does too little to make reasonable accommodations for working moms, and a society in general that still diminishes the important role that mothers play.
To be clear, by making this point, I’m not belittling the importance of fathers, or suggesting that dads don’t also face difficult choices when it comes to work and family. Indeed, it isn’t just greater support for mothers that’s needed — it’s more support and flexibility for families, fathers included.
More on this subject in an upcoming column.
PATRICE APODACA is a former Newport-Mesa public school parent and former Los Angeles Times staff writer. She lives in Newport Beach.
