Commentary: The amazing power of small courtesies

Hey, I admit it. I’m as bad as anyone.

I loved that famous wild book “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,” in which the author, Hunter S. Thompson, defied perhaps every convention of the social order and of journalism.

I loved that folk song that kicked to the curb the usual courtesies of dating (Bob Dylan’s “It Ain’t me, Babe”), saying basically, “I’m no gentleman, babe.” I even liked that “ain’t” in the song, in bold defiance of elementary rules of grammar.

And what better rebel than one without a cause?

But here’s the thing. The world is experiencing a lot of violence, and not only in the Middle East but here at home too. People are walking right up to other people and shooting them dead. For big reasons, for small reasons and for no reason at all.

Sometimes we wonder where all the violence comes from.

But research tells us that, just as Freud suggested, a lot of what we do is subconscious. There is a whole subconscious structure to courtesy.

A big stair step leads from courteous liking at the base, up to frank irritation in the middle, up to anger and then up to violence at the highest step.

Language signals where people are on those emotional stairs — the base (OK), the middle (hmm) and the highest step (not OK). Courtesies tell other people everything is fine. Discourtesies suggest trouble is brewing. Serious rudeness is a red flag.

Some people, let’s face it, are a little edgy. If they hear rude, abrasive language, it makes them nervous. If they hear warm courtesies, it calms them down.

Courtesies carry amazing power. As we become more conscious of that, perhaps as a society we can make more prominent those classic civilities that leave everyone a little safer and perhaps a little happier.

Dr. STEVE DAVIDSON is a clinical psychologist in Newport Beach.