Apodaca: More to parenting than stereotypes allow

Like millions of viewers, I was fascinated by the way television’s recently concluded “Mad Men” portrayed American culture circa mid-20th century.

While acknowledging that this show has already been analyzed to death, I couldn’t resist indulging in a few observations about its characterization of one particular aspect of societal behavior — the way we parent.

Here’s a sampling of parenting “Mad Men”-style: Pregnant women swigging cocktails and chain smoking. A dad smacking someone else’s boy at a child’s birthday party. Another father socking a pompous private school headmaster. Parents too involved in extramarital indiscretions to properly care for their kids. No seat belts. Plastic dry cleaning bags as acceptable playthings.

Oh, what fun parents had in the 1960s. No worries about trans fats, climate change, Common Core, building self-esteem and people getting all judge-y about neglecting kids. Those were the good old days when parenting wasn’t a philosophy you read about in a book, it was just something people did as an inevitable consequence of giving birth.

But I’d like to take this “Mad Men” moment of self-analysis to also raise a defense of modern mothers and fathers, the ones we so derisively refer to as “helicopter parents.” In theory, they are the polar opposites of the uninvolved, borderline abusive parents in the TV show. While “Mad Men” parents were aggressively inattentive, helicopter parents are viewed as obsessively over-involved and overprotective.

“Mad Men” was just a fictional story, we may remind ourselves. As much as we consider it a reflection of what some of us remember or have heard about regarding the way parents acted 50 years ago, it was still just a caricature.

So too, I might argue, is the depiction of today’s parents as helicopter-ish buffoons.

Yes, some parents overdue it. In Newport Beach, where I live, an abundance of disposal income and occasional absence of common sense can lead to some outlandishly extreme helicoptering. Even among those of us who believe we know better, there’s an admitted tendency to enlist armies of private tutors, coaches, counselors and assorted other handlers for our kids. We use technology and social media to track our children, and perhaps too readily excuse their failures and crow too loudly about their successes.

Yet I think we might consider cutting today’s parents a little slack.

I sometimes notice a rush to judgment when parents express concern or speak up for their kids. They might be deeply involved with their children’s lives; question teachers and school administrators; support their kids through difficulties, or look for ways to help them feel good about themselves. That doesn’t automatically make them guilty of helicoptering.

Indeed, labeling someone as a helicopter parent has become a bit too convenient as means of dismissing parents who might actually raise legitimate issues. I’ve heard far too many stories from frustrated parents, for example, about unhelpful school officials who seem to assume from the outset that these parents are overstating their children’s needs or overreacting to situations.

“I’m not a helicopter,” they want to scream. “This is a real thing.” But the more they defend themselves, the more they risk being branded as mechanical whirly-birds. It’s kind of a no-win.

The reaction to the more recent free-range parenting movement has also proved revealing. While some observers have questioned the wisdom of letting young kids roam unaccompanied around city streets — a practice defended by free-range proponents — the accompanying publicity has also unleashed a torrent of disdainful commentary and comedic mocking about the ridiculous helicopter parents who dare to think this is a bad idea.

There is an inclination, I believe, to write off many real issues that children sometimes face as merely a result of being cosseted by their parents. A kid might have undiagnosed learning disorders, ADHD, or be a bullying victim. Yet inevitably suspicion arises that the child is really just a product of a misguided helicopter parent who hasn’t taught him that life is just tough, so get over it.

What’s more, many of the criticisms I’ve heard regarding today’s youth — they’re wimpy, unrealistic, self-involved narcissists — have been blamed on the supposedly rampant coddling by helicopter parents. But these are the same types of complaints that older generations have always leveled about young people. There’s a lot of selective amnesia when it comes to our own behavior as kids.

I have a friend who is a helicopter pilot. I once asked him why he chose to fly helicopters rather than planes. He replied that planes were too easy. Helicopters are inherently unstable, he explained, and a pilot must be constantly vigilant and make rapid decisions and adjustments in order to stay airborne and on course. He found that experience exhilarating. When we accuse parents of excessive hovering, it’s worth remembering that raising kids is also a high-risk, inherently unstable enterprise requiring constant vigilance.

Parenting is hard. What’s easy is reducing our views of parents to unflattering stereotypes. Not every dad in the swinging ‘’60s swilled scotch with his neighbor’s wife instead of watching his kids. And not all parents today bubble wrap their children before letting them outside.

Most of us live somewhere in the middle, ready to make adjustments as needed to help our kids fly straight and steady.

PATRICE APODACA is a former Newport-Mesa public school parent and former Los Angeles Times staff writer. She lives in Newport Beach.