Commentary: Thank you for the umbrella, but when will I need it?

By Liz Swiertz NewmanOn April 19, my son and I went to the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books.

We had enjoyed much of the day at the stage presentations and were trying to catch an author before the event ended to sign some books Mark had bought earlier.

As he wandered ahead, I noticed a fantastic umbrella at the L.A. Times booth. The umbrella, patterned with comic strips from The Times, was hanging above the heads of the last few folks milling around inside the booth.

“What a wonderful umbrella!” I said, imagining carrying it on an upcoming trip to Europe.

A woman in a Times T-shirt approached me.

“I love that umbrella,” I said. “Is it for sale?”

“No,” she said. “It is for new subscribers. Would you like to sign up to take The Times?”

“Oh, I have been a subscriber to The Times since 1960,” I said, counting back to when I was a newly married woman (the first time).

“Since 1960!” she replied.

“Yes, from when I was first married,” I said. “And I pay full fare. I want The Times to be delivered in hard copy forever!”

She looked at me for a long moment and went to get an unopened umbrella from the few remaining.

“You deserve this,” she said. “But don’t tell anyone I gave it to you.”

It was the end of the last day, after all. How many new subscribers were they expecting to get in the next half hour?

Still, I thanked her profusely. And I hid it diagonally inside my sweater — or most of it. The handle stuck 5 inches out of the top, and the pointy end stuck another 5 inches below the hem.

A half hour or so later, Mark and I were ready to leave and had to walk past The Times booth again.

This time, a young man there confronted me.

“Where did you get that umbrella?” he asked.

“What umbrella?” I answered, straight-faced.

“The umbrella you’re hiding,” he said.

“I don’t have an umbrella,” I said.

“Yes, you do,” he responded, not understanding that I was kidding him.

“Maybe I stole it,” I said.

“Did you?”

“No.”

“Then where did you get it?” he persisted.

“I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone,” I said. “I begged for it because I love it so much and because I have been a subscriber to The Times for over 50 years.”

The fellow looked at me as if he wasn’t sure I hadn’t stolen the umbrella. I can’t imagine what he was planning to do if I had.

I said, “Now you have made me lose my son. I will not have a ride home.”

“Your son will wait for you,” he said.

“I have to hurry along,” I said.

“Well,” he called after me, “you’d better keep subscribing.”

“I will, I will,” I assured him.

When I told my friend Jeanne about it, I said I realized I couldn’t possibly carry the umbrella to Europe. It’s nearly 3 feet long. It would never fit in my suitcase, let alone be small enough to carry sightseeing.

“It’s a big one,” she said. “Maybe it is a golfing umbrella. The long tip is for digging into the grass.”

Not being a golfer, I wouldn’t know.

And though I’ll never take my wonderful umbrella traveling, I do love it and am eager to use it — with plenty of room for two under it.

But when is it going to rain?

LIZ SWIERTZ NEWMAN lives in Corona del Mar.