Apodaca: The wait for grandchildren is growing longer

My mother never got to meet any of her grandchildren, and it saddens me knowing how much she would have loved being a grandparent.

But the possibility of my parents not being around to enjoy their grandkids wasn’t something I thought about when I was young. Like many working women of my generation, I was determined not to have a baby until I was good and ready. And for me, “ready” meant in my 30s. By then, my own mom was gone and my father had begun his long descent into dementia.

Now my sons are in their 20s, and I have been not-so-subtly put on notice that I shouldn’t expect anything in the grandchildren department for many years. I understand, of course, and even approve, since I know they’re not remotely close to that kind of commitment. Even so, I can’t help but feel little twinges of “wouldn’t it be nice” when I hear friends talk about their grandkids or see an adorable little munchkin in a stroller.

But it’s more than just wistful notions about grandparenting at play here. Indeed, based on some articles and reports I’ve read recently, many others are taking notice of what should have been obvious to us for some time: The growing numbers of Americans who delay having kids also means that many more of us will be significantly older when we first become grandparents than in past generations.

That more women are waiting to have kids has been well documented. According to the Centers for Disease Control, the rate of American women ages 35 to 39 who gave birth for the first time rose 24% from 2000 to 2012. For women ages 40 to 44, it increased by 35% in the same period.

By 2012, there were more than nine times more first-time births to women ages 35 and older than there were 40 years before, the CDC reported. Even as total births declined from 2000 to 2012 — a decrease that has been at least partly attributed to the last recession — the number of first births to older mothers continued to rise.

A lot of good news can be found in such statistics, since they reflect improvements in healthcare and fertility options, as well as growing flexibility for career women. It’s not unrealistic to expect that medical advancements and healthier lifestyles will also help to keep older grandparents around longer and in better shape to enjoy time spent with their grandchildren.

Yet there’s also a strain of concern in some of the commentary I’ve read on the aging grandparent phenomenon, or what some are referring to as a “biological clock” for grandparents.

Despite the gains in healthcare, many of us worry that by the time we finally become grandparents, we’ll simply be too old and infirm to participate as we would have liked. My achy, arthritic knee doesn’t slow me down much yet, but it certainly puts me on notice every time I play tennis or try a Pilates move that my aging body has lost much of its springiness. Will I one day be able to bounce my grandchild on that knee, or get down on the floor to play and then make it back up again?

It’s not just physical health that raises concerns. As we age, some of us lose mental acuity as well, and that can be an even bigger issue if we want to actively engage in our grandchildren’s lives. Traditionally, grandparents have filled many roles for their grown children, as the go-to babysitters, back-up chauffeurs and all-around role models.

Most do these jobs gladly since they offer opportunities to stay relevant in their children’s lives while building relationships with their grandchildren. But that kind of active participation will only work if our brains are still fully functional.

There are financial considerations as well. As people live longer, warnings are being raised about a looming crisis in the cost of elder care. Rather than helping out our kids and grandchildren as we’d like, will too many of us instead become an extra burden on our families as our retirement funds dwindle and the expenses of caring for us as we age continue to mount?

I don’t mean to sound too gloomy, and I certainly don’t want to become one of those women who drives her kids loopy by pressuring them to do things they’re not inclined toward. Besides, I don’t regret how and when I had kids, so I’d certainly hope that my sons would also take the paths that feel right for them.

I’m also aware that for many of us, when to have kids isn’t, or can’t be, quite so carefully planned for a variety of reasons. We don’t have total control over when we fall in love, how fast we reach career and financial goals, or whether getting pregnant is all that easy once we decide that’s what we want. Now remove all that uncertainty one generation, and the fact is we would-be grandparents have zero control over the situation.

When the time comes, if I should be so lucky, I plan to be an enthusiastic and involved granny. Until then, I’ll keep up the Pilates and content myself with admiring other people’s grandkids.

PATRICE APODACA is a former Newport-Mesa public school parent and former Los Angeles Times staff writer. She lives in Newport Beach.