Carnett: Don’t be so sure of that ‘long life’

“I’m in my 60s and have a nice long life ahead of me … lots of plans,” says the snooty AARP TV commercial lady.

Really?

You seem a fine choice for a seniors’ spokesperson, but I find your reference to your expected longevity to be, well, pretentious and unsettling. My grandson’s soccer coach advises him to keep his mouth shut on the field and let his play do the talking. Oscar Wilde warned us to “expect the unexpected.”

So, were I you, I’d throttle the braggadocio.

Ask James Dean or Buddy Holly about unanticipated exits from this life. Both, despite their celebrity, were swept away by tragic accidents. There’s no inoculation against such occurrences. Hollywood goddess Jean Harlow probably didn’t anticipate dying at the shockingly tender age of 26 of acute kidney failure.

Here are three caveats, Madame AARP, to your “lots of plans” boast: errant banana peels, black ice and bubonic plague. I could name others.

Human history is replete with tales of unexpected individual and collective disasters. Pompeii residents probably awoke the morning of Aug. 24, 79 AD with an aria on their lips and sunshine in their hearts. The seaside resort was swathed in molten ash by happy hour.

And 2,000 souls perished.

Life has ways of hoodwinking us. And sometimes we fumble on the verge of crossing the goal line.

Take for instance Scottish actor Gordon Reid, who died on stage of a heart attack midway through the second act of “Waiting for Godot.” Instead of Godot, he encountered someone infinitely more daunting. I’d wager he didn’t begin Act II thinking he’d be gone — literally — before the houselights came back up.

Never take your next breath for granted.

If anyone had a right to be confident about the future it was Old Testament patriarch Abraham. It’s reported that God informed him directly: “You … will go to your ancestors in peace and be buried at a good old age.” Abraham could take that one to the bank.

But I can’t truthfully claim I’ve had similar assurances whispered into my ear. Nor have I heard utterance from a burning bush. So if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the faith in addition to remaining on the lookout for banana peels.

Unless Madame AARP hears the voice of God directly — and I’m not suggesting that she doesn’t — she might consider dialing back her claim. She can avoid egg on her face by keeping that “nice long life ahead of me” statement under her hat.

“The main business of life is to prepare for death,” Elizabeth Morse, mother of 19th century painter and inventor Samuel Morse, once candidly observed. Her point, though pessimistic, is well taken. Only three of Elizabeth’s 11 offspring survived childhood. Life can be cruel.

“You fool!” the Author of Life said to the rich man in Jesus’ parable. The man was confident that his future was as secure as a bag of nickels at Fort Knox. But God had other plans: “This very night your life will be demanded from you.”

We exert almost zero influence over our existence. Check with Steve Jobs or Hugo Chavez or Alexander the Great. All found themselves offstage and written out of the script before the second intermission.

“My religious belief teaches me to feel as safe in battle as in bed,” Gen. Stonewall Jackson once confided to a colleague. “God has fixed the time for my death. I do not concern myself about that.”

As he lay dying, Jackson’s final words were of crossing “over the river” and resting “under the shade of the trees.” A heartening metaphor — or perhaps reality.

“I know well that (God) is with me through whatever trials and troubles I face,” says Anglican priest Andrew White, the “Vicar of Baghdad,” in his book “Faith Under Fire.” “He enables me to live without fear.”

The fact is you’re not God and neither am I. It’s probably not wise to be smug about the future.

Think I’ll leave it in his hands.

JIM CARNETT, who lives in Costa Mesa, worked for Orange Coast College for 37 years.