Rhoades Less Traveled:

Finally, my ticket out.

It was so ingenious in its simplicity that I didn’t think of it.

But here’s the gist: sue the tobacco companies for my mother’s emphysema.

I got the idea after reading a story in the Pilot today about a woman whose mother smoked for 47 years and died of lung cancer. The daughter sued the tobacco company and was awarded $13.8 million.

That’s when it hit me: This is my big chance.

My mother, 75, didn’t die; in fact, she’s alive and kicking. But she coughs up a lot of phlegm in the morning and gets winded after climbing one set of stairs, or walking two blocks. She’s also on oxygen full time, which, what with the tank and the cord, is quite an annoyance. Mom smoked a good 30 years before quitting in about the early 1990s.

I tried everything to get her to stop. I hid her cigarettes. I hid her matches. I hid her ashtrays. I put my arm around her and told her if she couldn’t quit her habit for her own best interest, to quit for me, because I love her and would like her to be in my life for many years to come.

But back to my cash cow.

Let’s face it: Watching my mother down-spiral into coughing fits or struggling to climb stairs has taken a toll on me. I feel mentally distressed and, at times, downright grievous.

How can you put a monetary figure on my distress and worry?

You can’t, really, but I’m giving it my best shot anyway.

Judging from the $13.8 million that the daughter got from her mother’s death, I’ll settle for $6 million for the distress and worry I feel with regard to Mom.

Sure, she chose to inhale a pack a day.

Sure, she was warned of the ill effects not only by the surgeon general, but by her beloved family.

And sure, she ignored all of this and kept right on puffing away.

But it was all the rage then.

I mean, everyone — from ball players to actors — was doing it. In fact, it was kind of glamorous until you saw the end result.

So tell me: How can you monetize a person’s grief? Who’s to say that money is the proper salve for those whose loved ones choose to smoke?

I can’t answer those questions.

But the way our civil courts work, I don’t need to answer them.

Listen: I’m worried about my mother. It pains me to see her struggling to breathe via an oxygen tank.

And according to my best calculations, that damaging effect on my life is worth $6 million.

Lawyers, any takers out there?

Editor BRADY RHOADES may be reached at (714) 966-4607 or at [email protected].