SOUNDING OFF:

I’ve learned a lot over the last few months. I’ll bet you have as well. Here’s some of the stuff I’ve learned:

 I learned that just when I was finally ready to buy a Chia Pet, they stopped advertising them.

 I’ve learned that if you favor continuing the age-old definition of marriage as a union between one man and one woman, then you’re a homophobe.

 I’ve learned that if you don’t have management or executive experience of any kind, or never served in the military, or started a company, or if you haven’t held a job in the private sector, or gotten promoted on your merit or performance, or met a payroll, or hired or fired, or signed a check on its face, then you’re now considered qualified to be president of the United States, commander in chief of our armed forces and the leader of the free world. Funny. By that yardstick, it seems to me that about 40 million Americans are now also qualified to be president. But not me. Unfortunately, according to the said criteria, I’m overqualified.

 I’ve learned that the new administration intends to give an income tax refund to 95% of Americans, including the 40% of Americans who don’t pay any income taxes. How does that work, again?

 I’ve learned that if the planet begins to cool, as it seems to be doing, and you’re a man-made global warming fanatic, as many are, then it’s OK to massage the term “global warming,” which isn’t working for them, into “climate change.” That way, no matter what happens to the weather, cooler or hotter or no change at all, it’s still the fault of humans, and we should repent by spending trillions we don’t have as a sort of mea culpa tax levied by those who want to “help” us.

 I’ve learned I should have asked one more question about the lifetime warranty on my new Chrysler. Is that for my lifetime, I should have asked, or Chrysler’s?

 I’ve learned that there’s an office of the president-elect. I didn’t know that, did you? I’m guessing there must also be an office of the leading candidate for president, and maybe the office of the person considering running for president but hasn’t yet decided for sure.

 I’ve learned that if it wasn’t for Nutrisystem, there wouldn’t be any cable channels.

 I’ve learned that John Coleman, one of America’s foremost meteorologists and the founder of the Weather Channel, had some rather unkind words for Nobel Laureate, Academy Award winner, favorite of the Hollywood in-crowd and fawning journalists, and all-around nice guy Albert Gore last year at the International Conference on Climate Change. Coleman said that “the fraud of global warming is a hoax,” “bad science,” “a hi-jacking of public policy” and “the greatest scam in history.” Coleman said he intends to sue Gore to force the truth to finally come out in court. Coleman has also repeatedly challenged Gore to a debate on the subject. Gore has so far failed to answer that challenge. I’m guessing he’s too busy polishing his Oscar.

 I’ve learned that you don’t have to have even a single day’s experience working in the intelligence field in order to be nominated for director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Makes you feel a whole lot safer, doesn’t it?

 I’ve learned that getting kicked out of law school for plagiarism doesn’t disqualify one to be vice president of the United States. That’s great news for me! Having been kicked out of a number of fine colleges and universities for various Budweiser-inspired indiscretions, I’m still qualified for high public office!

 I’ve learned that if you’re white and choose to vote for the white guy because he’s white, then you’re a racist and a bigot. But if you’re black and choose to vote for the black guy because he’s black, it means you’re brimming with racial pride and are to be lauded and congratulated!

 I’ve learned that if Joe the Plumber fails to pay $1,100 in back income taxes, it’s a capital crime and he should be strung up by his thumbs. But if you’re Timothy Geithner, our new secretary of the Treasury, and therefore the de-facto head of the IRS, and you failed to pay many thousands of dollars in Social Security and Medicare taxes you obviously knew you owed for 2001, 2002, 2003 and 2004, then that’s OK. Just an oversight. Could happen to anyone. No problem. Let’s move on.

 I’ve learned that, as a part of the federal bailout bill, Speaker of the House Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) believes that adding $200 million in condom research will provide a stimulus. Well, um, OK. That oughta’ work.

 I’ve learned that the sum of the federal bailout approved by Congress thus far is greater than the total cost of all the wars America has ever fought, starting with the Revolutionary War, including both world wars, then throw in Korea and Vietnam for good measure, plus Iraq and Afghanistan for good measure. And another two $2 trillion dollars.

 I’ve learned it’s now considered a good idea to give vast sums of money to congressmen and senators to solve the economic problems they, themselves, created, and for which they absolutely refuse to accept any responsibility at all. It was the other guy. Really!

 I’ve learned that I really should have pursued a career in public service, ’cause that’s where the real money is.

 I’ve learned it’s more important not to force water down the noses of non-uniformed enemy combatants captured on foreign battlefields while trying their very best to kill our American soldiers than it is to learn where the next terrorist attack is going to happen so the lives of thousands, and perhaps millions of Americans can be saved. Huh?

 I’ve learned you have a better chance of being gunned down in Detroit than you do in Baghdad. Maybe it’s time we pulled out of Detroit!

 I’ve learned that closing Guantanamo Naval Base in Cuba has, for some strange reason, become the highest priority our newly- minted president faces. But there are 250 of the very nastiest terrorist killers the world has ever known still there. And it seems when we let some of them go, a disturbing percentage wind up running an Al Qaida cell in some sewer of a country somewhere. What should we do with them? I have a suggestion: The American Civil Liberties Union operates 50 regional offices, one in each state. Since they’re the ones who started this whole “let-’em-go” kerfuffle, why not send each office five of the detainees and let them figure out what to do with them? Maybe they could be retrained as law clerks. They certainly possess the same degree of zeal! They ought to fit right in.

 I’ve learned that President Obama tells us that this is the worst economy since the Great Depression. He’s told us that about 900 times so far. I’m guessing he just wasn’t paying attention during the Jimmy Carter years.

 I’ve learned that our congressional leaders believe they know more about building the cars they think Americans want to buy, or should be forced to buy, than the auto executives they’re holding hostage over the loans they have to have to build them.

 I’ve learned that Arnold should have kept making action movies instead of trying to play governor. Things would still be all screwed up in Sacramento, but he wouldn’t now look like such a feckless fool for trying so unsuccessfully to preside over this slow-motion train wreck.

 I’ve learned that the crime rate in Chicago is expected to decrease this year. That’s because many of Chicago’s biggest crooks have relocated to Washington, D.C., to work in the new administration.

 I’ve learned that the only difference between the Boy Scouts of America and the California Legislature is that the Boy Scouts have adult leaders.

If I’ve learned all this in just the past few months, imagine what I’ll learn in the coming year! I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

CHUCK CASSITY is a resident of Costa Mesa.